Hello all,

I'm sorry for the sudden post, I am a regular lurker on this forum and have seen that a lot of people their worries here.

I'm 10 months into my PhD in biological sciences. I'm a UK student studying abroad, struggling with anxiety issues. It went to a bad start; the person training me didn't like me very much and gave me some bad advice, conflicting with that of the supervisor. I am constantly terrified of what others think, whether I am good enough to do this, whether I can even communicate properly (the official language of the lab is English but everyone else rarely uses it, I'm often left wondering what people are talking about.). I have an exam in a few weeks and I don't think I will pass due to lack of working knowledge.

It's got so bad that sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I force myself to go and stay in the lab but sometimes I cannot concentrate. Other people are a massive distraction so I prefer to read at home or in the library, but the other members apparently think I don't work hard or long enough because of that. I try to tell them I am working elsewhere but I often end up clamming up and withdrawing into myself. My brain feels like it's going to explode with all this worry and I've been off ill several times.

My supervisor knows that something is wrong but I don't feel comfortable giving him all the details. I do think about quitting, and sometimes worse... but I am seeing a counsellor and I am now considering seeing a psychiatrist as well to discuss medication. I've told my partner I feel like quitting but he tells me it's the worst thing I could do right now.

I'm not sure if I should even be here, with my head the way it is I just can't get any meaningful work done.

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time.

I'm no doctor, but it sounds to me like you probably are depressed (not being able to concentrate or get out of bed are pretty typical symptoms). I, myself, am suffering from depression and anxiety at the moment. I was probably ill for at least 6 months before I accepted it and tried to get help. I have been on antidepressants since March and have finally found a dose that seems to be having a positive effect (third time lucky!).

It's really hard to accept that you might be ill. But, it sounds like you are. If you genuinely can't get any meaningful work done, I would encourage you to look into taking Leave of Absence and getting yourself better. I didn't do this. I really should have done. I regret that now. It's a big step, but ultimately your health is most important.

You don't have to give your supervisor all the details. I simply said to mine after I had seen her for the first time in a couple of months "I haven't made any progress in the past 2 months. I am now being treated for depression and anxiety with SSRIs. They are not working yet, but I want to get better and am trying." Since I told her, she has been excellent.

We are now meeting once a week, without fail - even if it's just a 15 minute check in on what I've been doing. If she's out the country, we'll chat on skype. This means the meetings are not big pressure ones where I have to show huge gains in progress.If you don't want to take LoA perhaps you could suggest something like that to get you motivated a bit more in an unpressurised way?

And finally, be kind to yourself. Accept that you are possibly ill and you can't work at 100% for now. And don't beat yourself up about that.

Hi, and thankyou for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you went through a similar thing. I certainly wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone!!

I discussed my feelings with my counsellor and she has strongly suggested I see a psychiatrist. I have also told my boss! Both feel that I need to consider my motivation, communication problems and whether a PhD is the right route for me. My partner feels strongly towards carrying on but right now I feel weak, insecure and unable to think straight. It's all very frightening for me, and when people in the lab look at me now I wonder what they are thinking about me!! It's probably not helping now, but I hope I can fix this in future.

I'm sorry to hear that you're finding it a struggle with your studies. It must be hard studying in another country. If it's any help at all, I went through a rough period during my first year myself and thought about giving up quite frequently during that first year. I have anxiety related difficulties as well and, even though a lot of people say that the first year is the easiest (I suppose because you don't have as much pressure as during the second and third year) I actually found it a lot harder than my second year has been. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing, had times when I felt like I didn't care anymore and like everyone else was really far ahead of me. I also had real difficulty in gauging how much work was enough and as a result spent pretty much all day every day either working, thinking about work or worrying about work! This year I feel a bit like there's a bit more structure and have built up a better relationship with my supervisors, which I feel has helped. I was also unfunded last year (working part time to support full time study leaving absolutely no time for myself!) but have now managed to gain funding this year which has been a massive financial help.

I still have days where I feel guilty for not working whenever I take a break (even though I spend most of my time working!), feel like I'm not as clever as everyone else is, have anxiety/panic attacks and worry that I'm not going to submit on time or even that I'm incapable and won't be able to submit at all but things are definitely better this year. In the end, I don't think there is a right or wrong solution as to whether to quit or not, it's down to the individual person and their circumstance but I just wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone.

Hi

Although I haven't suffered from anxiety or depression throughout my PhD I do have serious issues with motivation. I'll often find myself being unable to do any kind of productive work for 2-3 weeks at a time, then trying to catch up by working 15 hour days.

I often think that doing a PhD wasn't the right decision but I've decided to see it through to the end. Other people will always try to advise you on whether to quit or not but one thing you have to bear in mind is that everyone is different. The pressure of feeling you have to prove something to everyone else can often lead you to carry on with something that is really bad for you.

You mention that your partner said that quitting is the worst thing you can do. What reasons does he give for this? Obviously I don't know your situation fully but you have to consider what not quitting will do to your health. There's no point making your anxiety/depression worse while completing your PhD if it means that afterwards you'll be so damaged that you won't be able to pursue your career ambitions.

Your health is way more important than your qualifications and good health will see you go further than a PhD will if the PhD has caused your mental health to deteriorate. I have a few friends who quit their PhDs for similar reasons and returned to them (or similar PhDs) a year or two later when they were better able to complete them.

You sound like you're going through a rough time. I've had major problems with stress recently (I'm in my third year). I went to the doctor and he put me on anti-anxiety tablets which made things much worse (probably as I didn't have anxiety, just stress...) However I have friends who do have anxiety and they say it really works - you just have to put up with the side effects for a month. What made things less stressful for me was talking to a councellor. Realising why I was so stressed out really helped.
However, everyone is differemt - medication works on different people and it might really work for you. There are a few different types so if one doesn't work you could try another. I think you should try that before you decide to quit.

And talk to your supervisor about it. Anxiety is an illness and they shouldn't be able to judge you. Let them know when you're on medication that there are side effects, that you may have to take a few days off, come in late etc - but this no way means you're slacking. You'll still get the work done.
This is what I told my supervisor and I think if you're truthful they'll understand and respect you more for it.
Good luck

You are not alone, there are many student like you. We have wrote a blog post about that. It's not exactly related to your situation but maybe you will get some ideas how to deal with situation from here

One would probably hope that the OP has prbably dealt with it- one way or t'other- by now, since it was over two years ago. Thanks for the advert though :)