I was offered an excellent PhD position to my great surprise in Feb. I was given a few days to decide whether or not ot accept, and in all the excitement I did. However now I have had time to reflecct, I am wondering if it is really the right thing. I mean, I know I am fairly capable in my subject and can work hard, but I dont't know HOW hard and whether I could for a sustained period. Also i wonder if it would be better to start the PhD later and look for a job now and start making plans to have a faimly in the next few years rather than continuing study; something I have been considering a lot. I know if i turn it down everyone will call me crazy, and I'm not sure if my partner would be ready for settling down as soon as i'd like to either. It's hard to know if it's just 'normal' concerns about embarking on a huge project like this or whether I am making wrong decisions, and starting postgrad study for wrong reasons. I would really appreciate any thoughts from anyone else who has felt like this

hey aloevera, first of all congrats for gaining that place.
family-or-PhD has been discussed here quite some times. no easy answer to that! how old are you? do you feel ready to start a family? what would that mean - what would your life look like in the next few years? would that make you feel good? do you have the right partner for that? can you afford that?
what's with the PhD - long time dream of yours? why those doubts - where are they coming from suddenly? why do/did you want to do it in the first place?
why not both? there's never a right time for having kids. it can be done during PhD years.

if you were to decide against the PhD, in favour of family plans - do also consider what it would mean for you if... you broke up with your partner next year? ...you can't get pregnant? ...

i for one am "planning" on getting pregnant before i've finished my PhD. others here too. admittedly, some people call me crazy for this.

hello, thank you for the reply! Thats an interesting idea, to get pregnant during the PhD - do you think that's do-able? For me that'd be an ideal compromise just i have seen friends (undergrads) who have kids and it seemed like a LOT of hard work, and perhaps can't devote as much of themselves to their studies as possible which i know can be done during your undergrad, but when I read posts on here sayingyou need to give 100% to your PhD, well...I dunno if I'd be able to have a child AND do that!I just feel like I'd be able to cope better with having kids than doing a PhD right now. I know I'll be spending the next three years feeling frustrated that that part of my life is being put on hold, and perhaps i'm just doing a PhD cos its what everyone 'expects' of me.

Hi there. it sounds like there are two very different concerns you are facing here. On the one hand, there is the family issue. This one I don't think is a true problem because lots of women juggle both, and who is to say that 'real-life' work would be easier to handle? If you think you will be financially secure then doing both should be hard, but doable. I for one plan on having kids in the next year sooooo... The second concern is much more important I think. You maybe have to sit and really think about why you want to do this PhD. I am doing mine because I love my topic and enjoy learning, and i believe that if you do something you enjoy then a good career will ensue. Or if you want to work in Academia, or get a job that needs a PhD then you need to take this opportunity. Do you think you would have minded being turned down? Why did you apply in the first place? Don't overthink about how much work it will be as this is so speculative and subjective... Good luck!

I had my daughter at the end of my 2nd year but I think the best plan I have observed (many times) is to give birth after submission but not necesarily before the viva. Can backfire if the pegnancy is very diffiult or baby comes before final draft. I do find it hard to juggle both now I'm in my final year - even though I took 2 years out to spend time with her. But in many ways it is more flexible than a job - just the final months to submission are tough.

Sounds like you should talk this over with your partner.

Personally I would sort out my own life before starting someone else's... but that's just me. Having said that, I've only been living with my partner for a year and already my Mum and Nan are nagging me to get married and start a family! Which I find is quite odd considering they are also proud of my study...

I can imagine its do-able but it also depends on what kind of research you are doing? Are you working in a lab, for example where some chemicals may be harmful to you and a growing baby?

Hi, thanks for your replies, it's nice to hear other people's thoughts on the matter. I just found an read an old thread about this kind of thing too. To start a family mid-PhD doesn't sound like something I'd opt for, those people who do manage to juggle both must have so much stamina and have my respect :) As for the comment about sorting out one's own life before bringging another into the world - I agree, but I don't know that in my opinion doing a PhD really constitutes 'sorting out my life'. Smilodon was it difficult to get back into doing your PhD when you returned? Do you think it would be less difficult to juggle the two if your daughter was a few years older

aloevera, it is certainly doable. just how hard it is depends on a lot of things (not the least being how much your partner is involved).
but i am supposing that "doing both" will always be hard, no matter if the other thing next to the family is a regular job or a PhD. so i guess what i'm asking is: would you want to be a stay-at-home mum? and if yes, for how long? (and can you afford that?) or would you rather prefer going back to your "own life" after maternity leave?

for myself, staying at home for a long time is not an option. personally i find the idea of juggling a baby with my PhD a lot more attractive than the idea of juggling a baby with an unsatisfying job.

also don't forget that babies don't always come as planned. you might get stuck in that job without a baby in sight for many years.

also, i just talked to someone who told me their story...
she married in 2004 and moved to a different country in 2005 and thought to find a job first, before trying for kids; thinking WHEN she got a good job she would not want to quit after a few months due to having a baby. but the WHEN was actually a IF and she didn't find a job for a long time - and in that time took contraceptives. so, no baby AND no job. then after a while she was so frustrated that they decided to go for the baby although no job was in sight. but it didn't work out (she did get pregnant but miscarried) and she is still trying. with the difference that in the mean time she did find a job.
the moral of the story: if you are sure about wanting kids, don't wait for the right time - it might never come. but also, don't put your life on hold for the family plans. it might be on hold for a long time.

so, if you KNOW a family is the way you want to go in your private life AND a PhD is the way you want to go in your professional life, then, well, go for it.

(says me, who kind of put my family plans on hold for my PhD and am now scared silly that it won't work and I'll have wasted my most fertile years...)

thanks, its good to have some other perspectives on this :) Shani how old are you if you don't mind my asking? are you planning to take a break from your studies to spend time with children if you have them in the middle of studies, or just take maternity leave and put them inoto day care asap?

I think the key thing is to talk about all this very honestly with your partner. You're going to need his (or her!) support whether you decide to start a family, take on a PhD, or do both. You say that you suspect your partner isn't quite as ready to settle down as you are - and I think it's probably best to find out for sure. Good luck whatever you decide.

From a male perspective, I agree with what Leone said. There are two in the relationship so it is important that both partners' life plans are incorporated into the decision making process. In other words, if your partner is not ready to settle down, then settling down may not be the right way forward at this point in time. Detached from this general point I would also like to emphasise that the choice for the PhD may ultimately and indirectly lead to the demise of the relationship due to the idiosyncratic characteristics of the process. See older threads for different views on the issue. I hope you make the right decision but I advocate not to underestimate the impact of the PhD on your life which may be comparable to the impact of a baby on your life. With regard to the latter, I obviously don't speak from experience, though.

i really hope that doing a phd doesn't lead to the demise of the realtionship! this is one of the things that concerns me in fact - i'd be worried about starting the phd knowing this is a possibility - it's soemthing i would like to do but perhaps not so much at the expense of losing the person i love and the chance to start a family with them. i wasn't thinking of having kids now, there and then, was just perhaps thinking a phd might get in the way of that in the longer term, and it might bet better to just get some job so that i'd be stable. The other thing is that accepting this place means long distace relationship for three years (VERY ling distance) or uprooting my partner from his work, and taking him off the career ladder he's on and having the uncertainty of finding a job in a different city (differnt country as well). He said he would do it although i'd feel bad for making him, because it would be a big sacrifice for him. It's such a hard decision!

I can see it must be difficult. My advice would be just make sure that you make the decision together rather than alone. If it is seen as "your decision" it may come back to haunt you in terms of blame if things go wrong. However, if you make a considered decision together then you are both taking responsibilty for the future. And that's a positive start.