My boyfriend is has now hit his self-imposed two months to submission deadline (which I am aware he may exceed). He's often been stressed and antagonistic towards his PhD and I know that will only escalate as the day comes closer. I try to be supportive, but I know that being asked how he is only makes him feel worse, so I was hoping I could get some advice on how to support him from people who have been/are going through a similar thing.

I know I can't make the PhD worry better, but I'd like to make the rest of his life as pleasant as possible.

Is there anything that you would/have really appreciated during those final months? It can be as mundane as doing all the housework, or involve more expensive suggestions. Any advice would be a real help!

Thanks,
Sarah

(Sorry if this has already been asked before - I searched the forum and couldn't find anything close enough)

Not being asked how the PhD is going is really good :) My parents were more likely to ask that, including in one case how much longer it was going to take. Not a good question. But it is good if you can be there to listen if he does want to talk about it.

When I was in the last few months of my PhD I relished escaping from it for times. So really simple things like going out for coffee and a cake. Or a treat like a day-out to a nearby town I love. Not sure what your boyfriend likes but maybe there are treats he could have.

I was really lucky that my husband had been through the PhD process himself, so knew how to support, and what not to do.

Good luck to you both!

Oh and when he's in the last few stages he will not want to leave the PhD stuff for long, but could still do with a break from time to time. So relatively quick things can be best like going for a coffee, or a trip out for an ice cream, or maybe to the cinema to see a film. Don't suggest going away for a weekend break :)

For me the phrase "well what you really need to do is just get on with it" makes me rage. I just want to scream back "WHAT THE F*** DO YOU THINK I AM DOING!!" :-s

What would benefit me the most right now?

1) spider catcher person
2) cup of tea maker - but not someone who wants attention every time they bring tea to me
3) someone to do all the housework and cooking so I just do the PhD and nothing else
4) someone to read through all the emails I get from students and reply to them lol. that would be great!

Please don't ask:

So, how many words have you written? (my husband)
But darling, you have worked so hard, you must be nearly finished (my mother :-s)
Don't be negative, maybe your supervisor will say you can submit (my husband)
Did you get much done today (husband)
Is she still studying (the rest of the world)

Really just be supportive by understanding but not necessarily probing for details. Offer to proofread but only for commas, grammar, typos etc (unless he asks you to do so for context). Also if you're computer savvy, offer to do his table of contents, or cross check his references, hunt for any he is missing. Also don't preplan 'just a few days away' right when he is hoping to submit!

Good luck(up)

ooh actually reference support would be fab. I have an entire thesis that either has no refs in bits or the refs are wrongly formatted. I need my entire mendeley database gone through and each reference changed e.g. adding in journal names or the correct initials etc.

Hey! What a nice girlfriend you are!

I think I was hard work in the last couple of months before submission. My boyfriend was lovely and tried his best, but I was a bit on the grumpy and irritable side. He started off with the 'of course you'll pass' comments, to which I would reply 'well it's not a given you know, people get to viva and still fail'. Then he went through a phase of saying he'd love me/give me a present after my viva/reward me with a holiday whether I 'passed or failed', to which I would reply 'so you actually think I might fail?!!!'. Basically, he couldn't win!

I think the best thing was that he was really flexible about meeting up etc. He would always travel here so I didn't have to spend time travelling, even though we don't live far apart. We would always do something nice when we did meet up, rather than just lying around doing nothing in particular, and he would always let me choose what we did and where we went. Basically, he was just very patient with me! I'm hoping that now it's all over I will start being a nice girlfriend again!

Best, KB

Thanks for all the very quick responses! It's nice to hear that not asking is considered quite helpful, rather than appearing uncaring.

It's a good thing I also enjoy cooking, going out for coffee and the nitpicky reference parts of proofreading so it's not going to be too hard to follow this great advice.

Thank you (and if you think of anything else I'm going to be a willing ear for several more weeks yet!)

I don't have any first-hand advice to offer, but the things other people have suggested seem sensible. I just wanted to say how nice you are for taking the trouble to come to a forum like this seeking ideas to support him. He's lucky!:-)

If you want my advice, go out with me instead! you sound so kind and caring.

But seriously, my advice is don't ask too much about the work just give him plenty of time and space to sort it out. Be aware that he could be going for a while yet.

For a light hearted insight into the lives of PhD students, you could try this website: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php. Not directly relevant, but it may give you some understanding. I found it quite funny and much of it is relevant to British PhD students, even if it is US based.

All the best, Cakeman