Because I'm in love with my current one. Its a complete cliche and a total mess- nothing has happened between us and he's not given me any indication that he feels the same. He's amazing but he's married with kids so nothing can ever happen even if he wasn't my supervisor.

Its got to the point where I can't even concentrate when we're in the same room because I keep thinking about all the things I want to do to him, my work's suffering and its making me miserable. So I've decided that I need to get myself out of the situation by changing supervisor. There's another lecturer in the department who could probably supervise me (although the link in the area of expertise is rather more tenuous).

The problem is I don't know how to go about this without him (and everyone else) finding out about how I feel about him. I don't want to make out that he's a poor supervisor because he's not. Besides the fact that it would be an injustice he's early in his career and I'm afraid of damaging his professional reputation. I suppose I could say there's a clash of personalities but I don't think that would wash somehow

Help!

======= Date Modified 29 Jan 2010 08:51:40 =======

Larrydavid I'm not sure that's entirely the response loonyloo needs!

We had a thread on this not so long ago, it seems to have happened to a couple of people on the forum. Do you think there's any chance you could get over your feelings? Work away more, date other people, etc. Has it been a long time you've felt this way?
If it really is impossible to get over then I fear you may have to be honest with whoever's in charge. It's a mortifying prospect I know, but if you give any other excuse I imagine the department will want to try and "resolve" matters between you and this supervisor.

I do feel for you, it must be a bit of a nightmare.

@ larry david - that is so funny!! :-) sorry loonyloo- but try your best to get over it - you would feel terrible if you damaged his career - and folk may think you left because something happened, so you may even damage his marriage too... meet someone else and it will all become history.

Hi Loonyloo,
Sorry to hear you're having such problems - i can only imagine how awkward it must be!
I would advise you to think long and hard about such a decision. I imagine you will have to come up with a very good reason for wanting to change supervisors, especially to one with less expertise. It would negatively impact on his career. These things also have a habit of getting out and academia thrives on gossip so be careful.
Maybe working from home, keeping things on professional terms only and trying to move on socially should be tried first?
Hope things work out for you

Wow, loony, that is such a tough situation. I totally know what you mean about it becoming so distracting, but I guess if you want out, you will have to either make up a story or tell the truth. I believe in telling the truth about the big stuff. Do you think he would understand?
Or can you work through it? Over time feelings do change, especially if you can distance yourself from it, focus on someone else.
I hope you can find a way through- good luck!

I have to say face-palm with Captain Picard is funny...

Anyway the situation you are in Loonyloo is awkward.  I'm not doing my PhD (undergrad in my final year), but I have a major thing for my current supervisor. Got annoyed with myself because I'm at the age were this shouldn't happen anymore. It is worse now as a rumour is going around that I have a crush, and I just hope he doesn't know.  I've felt this way for about a year and a half now, and getting very distracted (worse in lectures), but I've also found it helped me with my work because I wanted to impress my supervisor with my ability. The distraction lessens with time and it is good you are already being sensible and saying he's not interested and that you know nothing will happen.  I wasn't so mature and tried to turn everything my supervisor did into some way in which he was interested in me. I've come to my senses and realised that isn't the case.

Back to your situation, if you are unable to spend less time in his company and work then all I can say is that hopefully like me your feelings will calm a bit and you will get used to being around him without it distracting you.  As long as you can control urges (I've had some bad ones myself) then you should be fine. This is your PhD after all and if a different supervisor might not be as knowledgable, then changing might not be the best.  Not sure how long you've been doing your PhD for, but if you only started a few months ago, it might be best to carry on a bit longer and see if things settle. If you do change and then the rumours fly there is no way you can avoid it as you will still be at the same university, and it might damage his reputation.

Best of luck!

hi loonyloo
I read your story it makes me go woooooooosh!
Its a brave (and good) decision to get another supervisor; does anyone in your department/school know how you feel about your supervisor? I guess if you dont tell anyone maybe people wont know and then your supervisor-change might be smoother.

I am also in love with my supervisor! BUt its just a silly crush. Some days ago I was so crazy, I posted it here.
Then the crush went away. Now I'm ok. I haven't seen him this week as well (because I have to work on something else).
So I'm ok. I think I still have the crush because I still think of him fondly but I know it's a silly crush and just takes me on a temporary high some days.

I'll be ok. You too.

Good luck on the change.
love satchi

I don't want to sound patronising but are you sure you're actually totally in love with him, or could it just be a respect/power/admiration-type crush thats gone overboard? How did you feel when you first met him?

I've never been in this situation myself but I would imagine its very difficult, I definitely wouldn't try to change supervisor though, like you said it would be an injustice to him and I think to you as well, you have the opportunity to get a PhD which you've worked hard for, you're working now, do you really want to potentially give all that up for the sake of a crush? I would be very wary of telling anyone, its not really a good reason for changing supervisor in my opinion and I think you would end up feeling humiliated.

I think your feelings will probably change over time as well, we all go through phases of fancying people and then wonder what we saw in them. Like others have said, try to get into a new relationship that will take your mind off him!

Hi LL,

I completely support what Natassia has said regarding this. Firstly, these sorts of experiences happen or have happened to absolutely heaps of us...it is really common. But from an experience long ago-slightly different context- being honest, I felt I had to tell. Worse thing I could have done. Person was unhappily married, used the power-differential and my desperate feelings to initiate affair- repercussions and fall-out horrendous; including how it affected my then academic career-and to some extent his-but I think more mine overall. Don't say anything- this guy is probably really happily married so the sorry tale I mentioned isn't necessarily what would occur but there would be nothing gained from saying this-and as Natassia so rightly pointed out-could result in some humiliation regarding others knowing howing you feel.

Take heart in that what you feel is probably a just a variation of a form of normal (very common experience for many-if that makes sense) and don't feel guilty or be too hard on yourself. But likewise, changing your supervisor is not really a good idea anyway. Even if you can't 'have him' as lover and partner- it is still nice to work with him-is it not? He is a good supervisor and you won't always be wanting to 'rush him off' everytime you speak together-only some of the times so just weather them through. The important thing is that you can't (we-us-people) actually help feelings-they just are and they insist on being felt but we can control our actions and what we do-how we act on them. So acknowledge the feelings, let them pass and then focus on your thesis and what the next step or job is. Don't feel guilty about enjoying his company-but don't seek him out more than is necessary as your supervisor. (This bit will be really hard and you will need to be really firm with yourself about this). You might even find that you are so eager to impress him that it helps you work even more effectively on your thesis at times.

Think also- you haven't actually done anything- nothing wrong at all-all that presently has happened is that you have feelings for this lovely person and they are causing you (possibly) guilt, anxiety and distraction. From his perspective, you have probably been just this really nice person that he is supervising and sometimes you seem a bit distracted or spacey. That's it...nothing wrong...no harm done...but don't say anything, don't act on them, don't feel unnecessary guilt (we all feel far too much unnecessary guilt) and focus on the enjoyable aspects of your working relationship and this thesis he is helping you with.:-)

Hello Loonyloo,
I was one of the victims of love virus too. So I will tell you honestly what happened to me.

my story was he started to notice I have a crush on him and smiled back, so you can imagine how I felt. However, it helped that he started to notice, because he was repeating things to me until i get it :$ and we started to interact by emails, although we never discussed it and nothing happened, but there was a mutual understanding between us and we worked it out.
try before going to his office to decide not to think about him, don't look at him, and only focus on the project,  in time your feelings might fade away gradually, i have to say it was very difficult at times, but knowing that he knows took a lot of pressure on me. I don't mean you have to tell him that you like him, you don't know how he will react, just show it nonverbally and indirectly, see how it will go.

it might not work out for you, but it helped me, and I agree the only cure for this is to find a new crush/boyfriend, cause the PhD is lonely and this can go on for a while depending on your personality and his.
I didn't like him because of power, but I do really think we have a lot of things in common ...etc and he was so kind all the time, any way, now I finished and I have become Dr.someone, what I mean with time you can start to concentrate on your work although you like him.
I still like him but, next month will be the last day i see him :( and hopefully it will be over.
if you change the supervisor you might see him every day and you might start feel sad because of it again.
Every one has some kind of problem with PhD and it is always hell for others too, so our hell is our love.
I know it is so so hard to carry on, but in time you will find your way.

because leaving might be as painful and you might like/miss him more and your project might suffer more, now you deal with one problem.

May be tell him I can't focus well these days because of personal problems and ask him to send you things by email, he might get the hint from your looks any way.

It is risky i know, but am only telling my story, you can judge your situation and see what is the most comfortable thing for you.
This is more common than you think and I have a feeling academics all know about it and actually enjoy it some how, which might help you not to like him that much.

Good luck
:-):-(

Someone3 - I'm probably being really stupid here but what actually happened with your supervisor, did he know you fancied him and that was it?

======= Date Modified 29 Jan 2010 23:00:15 =======
yes

Someone,

I also agree with you in that sometimes the person (object of affections) knows and 'sort of enjoys the knowledge or feelings' and this can help you to 'dislike' them in order to distance yourself at times.

But again no action taken, no lives or careers at stake-no actual harm done. And what a strong person you are to have come out of it-with your Phd and integrity intact.

Read this article and you will understand why nothing happened or happens
http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/mortarboard/2009/sep/23/kealey-female-students-perk

it was difficult but, after deep thinking and research I think (although not 100% sure) that is what happens most of the time.