Hello everyone, I am a 33 year old Phd student that has just completed and passed his confirmation/transfer report for the first year.

I am having serious problems with my supervisor. So far, I've read stories about supervisors that are ignorant and couldn't care less about their student. My problems are the complete opposite. She comes across as obsesed with work, constantly pushing me and my research to the way she thinks it should go. I haven't made a choice of my own in months, I have no saying on what to read, or what meetings or seminars to attend. I get out of hours emails, sometimes at 4 am in the night as well !

I am coming to dislike my PhD, because I never get to explore my own ideas; I am working on someone else's pace (And I am not a lazy student, I came in PhD from doing 9-5 in the Software industry for years, but I do not work more than 8 hours a day !). And still, despite my best effort (after a year with two surgeries and anti-stress/antidepressants) I am receiving frowns, disappointment, more changes and more pressures. I had to cancel 4 meetings with her this week, telling her that I don't want to meet 4 times in the Christmas eve week, when I have not much to discuss anyhow !

At this point, I am even considering dropping my PhD even though I just succesfuly passed my confirmation/transfer; but I want to first get some opinions on how to solve such issues. I am sure she know I am mad at her, and I know she might be mad at me too.

I just want to do research, in my own pace, like most PhD students I know do and get a degree...

Should I talk to my second supervisor? Wouldn't it stir things up with the main?
Should I talk to the post-grad support?

Any advice is welcome...

Hi Evak,

I really feel for you because you sound like you are committed and work hard. But I agree that 8 hours a day no more is right. You need work/life balance, otherwise you will make yourself ill. It sounds like it is coming to ahead for you and I think the worst outcome would be that her over zealous behaviour drives you away from something that is seems you would be otherwise be doing very well.

You definitely need to speak to your second supervisor and someone in a pastoral role like a postgraduate tutor (as its known at my university). I'm sure they would agree that you are not being unreasonable in wanting to take control of YOUR PhD. There will be plenty of people at your university who will be willing to help you resolve the situation for your well-being and get you back on the right track.

I really hope you manage to get sorted. And please do take it easy over Christmas and New Year! Sounds like you need it!

Let us know how you get on.

Thank you.
It's been a very rocky year. I was on anti-stress/antidepressants after a panic/anxiety attacks outburst during the 5th month of my studies, followed by a double-break on my left arm, and two surgeries. I had to postpone my studies for 3 months to recover from the plaster but I only got out of anti-stress pills 2 weeks ago.

She supported me during my time off; she is a good person, but when it comes to work she is obsessed and a career-person. And I think she sees this, as a chance to further improve her own career and relations with the industrial company that is also sponsoring me.

I felt overly proud of myself about the fact that I was working hard to meet my deadlines, even under celexa, even under physio for my arm. My whole life turned upside down during last year, my weight got worse, my sleep pattern was bad due to meds, but I was determined to hit that confirmation report.

And when I did, she told me that she's not happy because I missed this or that, and that being back in uni means I should operate 100%. But it's never POSSIBLE to operate 100% while on mental medication and having metal plates in one's body...
I wanted to manage a successful confirmation report, so that I can slow down before Christmas and enjoy holidays. She was the only person who told me that my conf report's not good enough, and the only person still pressuring me to work harder and harder when I am really out of fuel on this turn :( . And this , being out of fuel, is killing my future motivation...My industrial supervisor, and other people that've read my report, tell me I've done an amazing amount of work. But it feels like, my main supervisor, is never satisfied and I doubt she ever will?
And it's really getting to me, especially since I am still fragile from my health accidents :(

It sounds like you've had one hell of a year. I know from experience how difficult it can be to function 100% normally whilst taking medication for anxiety. So I definitely feel your predicament, but to then have a nasty physical injury on top of that too! I agree that you aren't ever going to be able to guarantee 100% functioning and she can't expect that either. Life is complicated and not always straightforward. At this stage of your life and academic career it is not as black and white as being a 19 year-old undergrad, and she should appreciate that. Especially since there are so many people around you who recognise that you are working extremely hard.

You need pastoral support. And just think, what have you got to lose by approaching others in the university and asking for help? You need some support and the if your industrial sponsors can see that you are well and hard the university won't want them to be seen in a bad light by them because the student is run into the ground and quits. By the sound of it, that isn't what your supervisor wants either.

It may feel awkward, but it will be worth it in the long run. I hope you can get some support and make it a New Year's resolution to tackle it head on! And in the mean time, take a break, it sounds like you need it.

Dear Evak,
I so totally see my situation in you...I am exactly in the very same situation. I understand what you are going through. Each time in my committee meeting or just chatting with other professors in the faculty, I realize that I am doing a great job, but I never hear that from her. In the beginning I used to consider that I should take this as a challenge/motivation and push ahead with a smile..but I realized after it didn't last long, I am way beyond exhaustion, with antidepressants.
See if you can talk to your committee members or a counselor or ombudsperson maybe? I completely agree with Mulrine, whats there to lose anyways? I am sure it will only help you. I am also considering talking to my committee and see.
All the very best to you. Take care of yourself- which is very important!
See if you can take a nice break.

Evak, your supervisor is being unreasonable (I have similar supervisor and the department agreed with me that he is being unreasonable). Please talk to your head of department or your second supervisor.