another supervisor from hell
I have a lot to say but am too exhausted to get it all down now. Im another one of those lucky people whose supervisor is making life hell. I feel as though I have reached a point of complete despair. I am usually a positive, confident, extremely social person. I'm now a crying wreck, locked away in a basement office away from the rest of my team who are on the 1st floor (courtesy of supervisor) .
I have no intention of reporting her. Ive notified bullying/harassment officials to keep them posted but thats about it. Im just interested to hear how people have deal with supervisors who are (in the clinical and popular sense) psychopaths.
examples of insanity: on the day my mother nearly died in hospital i rush back to my department (mother was in hospital in a different city), having managed to do as much work as possible for my meeting with my supervisor, only to be told "between the ages of 22 to 30 shit happens and you need to get on with it" i was then told that i was incapable of explaining things clearly ( i was a little frazzled during the meeting) and she then proceeded to write an email to the head of department explaining that im crap at everything (out of the blue).
Im not the kind of student who needs a hug and a kiss and a pat on the head, but a little slack would have been hugely appreciated. This type of madness occurs on a weekly basis, I would say every 2 days. I have never felt this low in my life. I cant see an end to this.
I am so sorry to hear this:-( I have no experience in dealing with such a problem, but I'm sure there would be few people who have got through such 'monsters' and hope they will reply to you. All I can say is that, if you can probably best to report this person as no one should get away after making such comments. Hope your mother is better now. Student councillors or reps of grad school might be an answer. Please talk to someone you trust as it can also help in the meantime.:-x
Hi Ardelia
Sorry to hear you're feeling so awful! Bullying is one of the worst things that can happen in the workplace/at uni. My advice is to change supervisors asap. Bullies don't change, they just find new victims. The longer it goes on, the more more insidious it gets and it just eats away at your self confidence. I've been bullied, and like you, was a confident, outgoing person, but bullying reduced me to hiding in an office, crying, day in and day out, until I left. So, find a new sup as quick as you can. In the meantime, get some counselling to give you some coping strategies, and document everything this person says/does to you. The fact that you can't see an end to this is also a real worry, and sounds like you could be depressed, so you need to take action and get out of this situation.
Hugs, and good luck.
Ardelia,
First of all, sorry to hear of your predicament. In a perverse sense of consolation, you are not alone. It does seem that supervisors are either at one end of the spectrum or the other. The good ones are rare i.e. regular, feedback in a constructive non-personal manner, but then you have the sh!tehawks!
Secondly, there will be an end to this, but it has got to be on your terms. I know this seems hard, but you are going to have to just face up to the facts that this bit€h cannot be dealt with reasonably, so therefore you have to find the strength to just keep things at work ticking over. Keep on writing and submit everything substantial to your supervisor via email, even if it is a question. Therefore she will have to write a response (written evidence). Take on board her assertion that you ARE actually crap at everything and that submitting work every few days is just your way of getting feedback to improve. You are there to learn and this whole thing of being crap maybe true but it is a failing of the supervisor if you are truly bad (and we all know that as bad as we think we are, we are not). Maybe it might mean that you stop this imposed exile and talk to the other research students about their work and ask them for feedback on your ideas and material.
Look, I could ramble on, but fact is that this bit€h is taking out all her failings on you - it happens and the only thing to do is somehow not to take it personally (yeah, I know, easier said). Keep everything in a written record - emails, minutes of meetings etc. If she wishes to report to the head, call her bluff and let her. She may "win" but the revelations of her failings would make it phyric (sic) and I don't think she'd want that. Make your project worthwhile - identify conferences (conferencealert.com) and journals that you plan to attend/submit to in the medium term and make out as much planning as you can i.e. get your long-term plan together and if it does go to a complaint, you have evidence of work.
Lastly, I hope your Ma is ok. Remember, at the end of the day, it is through friends and family that we get our strength from. Do not isolate yourself from these people (I can remember feeling guilty taking time off to go to a friends funeral - now thats when the penny dropped!). You can and you will get thro'. It does not have to be a lonely process.
Worst case scenario (and this is last measure, nuke-em time) ... send her the first few lines of Lamb of God's "Omerta" i.e. if you have a personal problem with me, sort it out with me but ya mess with the bull, ya get the horns! Ah yes - heavy metal ... one of life's underestimated sources of wisdom :-)
Take care and take those small steps to going back to the person you once were and have every right to continue to be!
Hi Ardelia, Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough tim with your sup, ad sorry to hear about your mother. I hope she is getting better.
In my experience - of a psychotic MA professor and a PhD sup who was starting to sho signs of this kind of behaviour, they do this as a way of covering their own failings; they do not stop; and this could take you right under, robbing you of confidence, good referecnes and yur own development if you hang around. These peopel usually have ways of wriggling out of any discplinary action or requests for better behaviour from you or their managers: that's probably why she's slagging you off in an email, doing what she can to discredit you.
I say: get looking for a new supervisor now ,and get out as soon as possible, for the sake of your sanity and career.
Good luck.
p.s. I don't think you should have rushed back for a meeting after your mother's health crisis. Sometimes work should be way back on our priorities - your sup probably loved that you did though, they love it when you're vulnerable. I have people like this in my family so I know their nast tricks. Next time, just stay away, you have the right.
Thanks for the comments.
Bonzo I am such a metal fanatic, the few lines keeping me going at the moment are killswitch's "fear is failure and this is my motivation".
problems are: i dont want to change supevisor because i love this area of research and she is the only person doing it in this country, who is worth doing it with. so there will be no changing of the supervisor.
more problems: whilst i could knuckle down with the projects, arrange conferences, look for opportune places to publish etc. she is hindering any progress on my project. i started experimenting in february, which is when she took maternity leave. she then delayed my project by requesting changes that she didnt really understand because she was away from the lab, resulting in errors, and wasting 6 months of my first year. i am now just starting my second year and i am basically in the same place i was in my first year. i also suggested some conferences to her, some i would like to attend and some to present at. she sort of waves away discussing it, by saying 'we'll review your progress in a couple of weeks and then see' (since when was attending a conference reward based?). she wont let me do any undergrad teaching (am qualified to do so) and basically cancelled some side projects i was involved with on the basis of me being injured (i was on one crutch, it would have barely impeded my ability to experiment and analyse and write up)
moan moan moan moan moan.
My supervisor is very nurturing and not at all like how you describe. However, she does tend to not listen to my arguments for doing things, tells me to "ignore that - go and do xyz" and then 6 months later says " oh that would have been a good idea! - but we haven't got time to do that now" This has happened several times, so now I just go and do what I want, as my instincts so far have been right and she doesn't listen long enough to hear my logic.
If I were you I would just go and do my own thing, organise conferences, submit to conferences (you don't need her permission!) and get on with any experiments you want to.
A few thoughts:
What is your goal in terms of having her as a supervisor, notwithstanding her expertise? Is the experience fulfilling this goal?
I agree with the poster who suggested talking to your Postgrad prog rep just to see what they think.
Do you need her permission to go to a conference? There are some cheaper postgrad ones you could go to.
Do you need her help to publish?
Can you do undergrad teaching somewhere else- say on a part time evening programme at another uni? I did this and it really helped, not only in terms of academic thinking and teaching experience, but in terms of seeing and experiencing another institution and department.
Moaning is healthy; we all need a good moan. I had one only this morning, and then I had some chocolate.
have you considered changing supervision?
i changed mine twice. at the end of my first year after the first set ensured i did not pass my first year review claiming that nothing i ever did was good enough. unfortunately i kept one of them (who was head of department) who influenced the new one ( a newly employed lecturer) to the point that we returned to the same point. at the end of my third year they tried to fail me and i threatened to sue and go as far as need be: the senate, the press wherever. at that point they gave me someone from my area. the ones before were from different areas each trying to force me to do what they wanted and when i did what one wanted the other would get angry. unfortunately in my department lecturers tend to be carrying on with each other and complaints about one to another always end at a dead end. i now have a supervisor who is part time and based at another institution full time. he doesn't spend much time at the department and so doesn't get fed with rubbish about myself by the rest. he is very supportive and corrects me gently and constructively and gives timely feedback. am very happy now and am coming to the end of my writing, 4 years on. at last i have a human being for a supervisor.
no one has the right to torment you like that. find out if changing is an option. perhaps approach a potential supervisor in person. can your thesis be done in another department? one of my friends in a similar situation switched departments and completed successfully.
before changing supervisors i did everything: crying, counselling, panicking etc.. got ill. don't let it get that far.
hope your mum is better now.
sorry i hadn't read your previous post on you not wanting to change supervision.
if i were you i would ask if its worth it. and if at this time next year you will have got anywhere at this rate. other people may not be as good at her, but they may allow you to make progress on your phd. you can then meet her at conferences and draw on her knowledge in other ways. have you considered working in the wider area so that you have more of a choice of a supervisor? i did change my topic in the end, after three years to the wider area to suit my new supervisor and i have no regrets. the rest may have been good, but they had no faith in me. they had already made up their mind that i was no good enough. i spent years trying to prove myself. but it was pointless.
all the best.
Ardelia - I thought I was the only metalhead doing a PhD ... went to see Isis last night - unreal!!! Massively underestimated and misunderstood genre but one where there is a lot of good messages too! As for Killswitch, was a fan but more into Neurosis/Isis these days. Look up some Steve von Till's solo stuff ... you will love "This River".
Don't let fear be a motivator. You are your own motivator. I am really going to go out on a limb here but it would seem that this is not a matter of supervision, but self-confidence ... I mean how can this bit€h stop you teaching!!! There is absolutely no justification unless it is infringing your studies EXCESSIVELY. Chances are, you are in this Phd with some intention to teach in the future! And your proactive stance on journals/conferences has to be commended!
If I understand right, you are just starting your second year ... this nimrod is expecting too much from you at this stage. I think you need to realise a few things. 1. You decide when this thing is finished - not her! There are options open as the other posters have said. Of course this will mean upsetting the apple cart but so what? Conflict in life is inevitable - it is just 90% of us don't want it. 2. Keep on working - so long as you keep working and producing stuff in a professional manner, she can't touch you 3. You are not worthy of these personal stings, so without you resorting to such low measures, just remember that this is the way of a bully. This will take guts, but if it goes too personal, ask this bit€h to explain the context of her remarks to your work and how is that meant to help. Find out casually how her other students find her.
I am in no way saying that this is easy and it does take a lot of effort and self-control to stay calm, but f**k it, you are not worthless. Most bullys are all bluster and sometimes it takes calling their bluff to show that to them. Maybe, just as a precaution, talk to your Post-Grad advisor as to the possibility of co-supervision/changing ... not to do now, but if you know in the back of your mind what the process is, the feeling that your future is solely in the hands of Queen Bit€h may disappear.
Keep on rockin' ... we must get a metal forum going (these guys talking about X-Factor don't know the difference between an Opeth and a Limp Bizkit :p )
Hi Aurelia
First and foremost, this is clearly not a sympathetic person particularly regarding your mother's illness - my sympathies on that - very hard to deal with. I have though got a few thoughts that might help if you are set on staying with this supervisor.
1) Try not to fall into the trap of assuming everything is aimed at obstructing you. You say you lost six months and are really back where you were in first year - might there be some justification for example in her saying best not to do extra projects, teaching, go to lots of conferences but instead try to get back on track? I thought when I read your second post that I could possibly see some logic in her stance there. I presume if you're in science, that your project is part of what her team is working on: if she's been on maternity leave, then you can bet that a lot of pressure if being put on her to catch up and produce results in time for the REF deadlines - this might be why she wants your project back on track. Why I'm suggesting you try to take a step back and look dispassionately at everything that's happened, is if you end up having to formally complain about her at some stage and include things that she might have very good justifications for in the eyes of her boss, then they can more easily dismiss your legitimate complaints too. Plus it might help you to figure out what things absoluetly have to change from your angle for you to complete the PhD and what you can reluctantly live with.
2) You seem to have four different problems right now: 1) your office location so feeling isolated from the team; 2) her manner of speaking to you and that you feel she's unfair in her assessment of your work; 3) your project being behind schedule and; 4) you feel she's obstructing your professional development with teaching / conferences etc. Tbh given 2 I'd probably agree with others who've posted about changing supervisor but assuming you're stuck: Could you possibly use her dissatisfaction with you to get concessions - perhaps go to her and say, you're clearly not happy with my work and I'm also worried about being behind, I think these things would help. I would benefit from better integration with the group - is there any way I can move upstairs next time a space comes free; I'd like to set milestones for the project that would include deadlines for conference presentations so that we are both clearer on my progress etc. I've found very calm approaches with requests for things you actually want framed as 'I'm acting on your feedback' can work quite well with this type of person.
Hope this is of some help.
