i've been with my girlfriend for over a year,its been (on the whole)a very positive relationship but we are both doing phd's (which is hard!). she is a year ahead of me and is in the very final stages of writing up (aiming to submit in a months time). two weeks ago, pretty much out of the blue, she asked for a break. we have issues that i think could be worked out if it was a 'normal' situation but the stress of finishing has her exhanusted and quite depressed and she doesnt want to talk about us. she says she is confused about everything (including me), i'm trying to give her space, hoping that once the phd is completed we can address our relationship but she cant think past the phd at the minute. Has anyone else out there have experience of this type of situation? I'm going crazy (and doing no work) as i love her very much and what to give her space but i just need to know whether it is us or the phd?!?

Hello mindken. I'm sorry to hear about what's going on. I am no expert in raltionships but my advice would be to give your girlfriend some space, as she requested. I'm sure you will agree that doing a PhD can be quite demanding and its sure going to take a toll on you one way or the other.

Since you have asked her to talk and she has refused to, i guess she has her reasons for doing so. I would suggest supporting her nonetheless, give her the space she needs but remind her of your feelings for her. A break from a relationship does not neccessarily mean a break-up.

I hope you are able to sort things out.

thanks for the sage advice. space and time are probably the only hope for us. though i'm loathe to let go of something special without a fight trying to conduct a relationship with somebody who is so emeshed in the thesis is very hard as the person has so little to give (both emotionally and in terms of time) and it seems like all the other problems we might have are magnified ten fold.

she knows i love her, we have met a bit recently but i think now is the time to steel my reserve and to do a bit of a vanishing act for the next month.

thanks again

The exact same thing happened to me (only a much longer relationahip, many years). I'm differentiating at the moment. My (now ex) was writing-up a few months ago. We had a break about 1 month before she submitted. About 3 weeks before her viva we split-up. Gutted.
Hope it works out better for you.

xConnorg: any advice on how it could have been avoided in retrospect? what were the main reasons?

maybe the stress has just make her freak out about the future and what it holds? i am in a similar situation but im the one breaking it off, maybe she just needs the time to finish the phd and then hopefully things will be able to get back on track once the weight is lifted.

there is something about the stress of the future, she seems very confused and is giving off very mixed messages (e.g. i love you then i'm not sure how i feel about you). its really uncharacteristic for her. This all went down about two weeks ago. afterwards i went home for a week. we chatted a bit then met up on sat nite and were kissing, though still tension, met again on sunday and she seemed alot better but when i bumped into her yesterday she was very cold. i think its moving way too fast and she needs time to miss me.
i said i'd take her out to dinner tonight but having second thoughts...not sure what to do...i think i should break from here for a much longer period, until she is closer to completion but am concerned that we havent talked about the issues that have caused us problems, should i wait until a month or two down the line to discuss them or just bring her out tonight, talk through the issues and say goodbye!? sorry for all the questions...damned confusion

I agree that you should give her the space she needs but as i guy (as well as anyone else) there is an uncertainty that the realtionship would actually resume after such a break. I'm not trying to cause you to loose hope but that's the reality of things.

i guess it depends if the issues are the phd or the stress of completion has made her question other things. do you see a future for you both ater phds are complete?

i know, i'm concerned that if we dont try to rebuild bridges sooner rather than later it will all be over, but she has time/energy for it. she says she doesnt want to throw away something that could be reconciled but right now i cant see how we can find the space to change things.

the future after phd has been uncertain, she has a permanent job (she is 27), i'm 26 and have said previously i'll probably have to move on to find work. to be honest we have avoided talking about the future recently, which is a big factor in all this...i cant help but feel that as she comes to the end of the phd the stress of an uncertain future with me has become too much to bear...

but is now the right time to try to say that i do want to commit to her? i dont think it is what she wants to hear right now...

if talking about the future is the barrier maybe you both need to just bite the bullet and sit down and discuss it. if you have something worth holding onto you can make it work, the question is are you both willing to compromise in terms of future jobs etc to be together?

talking about the future was the barrier, i think, but instead of sitting down and discussin it alot of resentment has built up over the last few months (on both sides). i ended up stayin around at hers too often at a time when i think she wanted to be alone wi her work...now i dont think she sees a future for us...she is very happy in her job but fears that if i stay here for her it'll be too much pressure on her...its hard because we havent really talked these things through and now it seems too late...

how do you mean pressure on her? for it to work if you stay? i know its hard but if there is no future then maybe now it the time to make the break to save both of you more hurt and upset?
can you see yourselves being together long term and being happy ?

this is really hard, a difficult situation.
i would say, no matter what you decide, make sure she knows what you are doing. don't just dissappear not letting her know that you are keeping away specifically because she needs space.
maybe a break is not the worst way to go. you are worried that afterwards it will be too late to mend things. well perhaps it would be too late to mend things if you don't have a break now - sticking together just for the sake of it during her last stages of PhD could kill the relationship.
maybe you could strike a bargain: a break now, but after submitting you go on holiday together. or: yes to the break, but you meet once a week for lunch. something like that. shows her you are not just letting go but are ready to give her the space she needs.

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. My boyfriend and i had a long distance relationship at the beginning ( i was just at the start of my PhD too) and in the end he found a job in Norwich, I was really worried about him doing that, and didn't want him to feel tied to me, (or me to feel responsible for him possibly hating his job) but in the end it was his decision and he loves his new job now (and we got engaged). I would say communicaiton is the key and total honesty. Tell her that you want to committ and that you see a future together and that you will wait. But also make it clear that you want to know if there is no point in you waiting. I would let her know you are there but leave the ball in her court for now. good luck