I am so confused - I recently started a science PhD but am already starting to feel like it's the wrong career path for me. I'm not sure I fancy being a postdoc on short contracts moving around the world/country, or the constant cycle of applying for grants and writing papers, and I can't imagine myself as a PI.

I think I would prefer to have contact with people and help them directly in some way related to science/medicine as at the moment I am in a lab alone all day, then have a meeting with my sup who is really full-on and demanding, then feel totally dumb!

To add to my confusion, I just got engaged to my partner of 6 years who I lived with previously, but I had to move away to start my PhD, and although we have managed one of those years long distance it's so much harder now! Don't think I can stand 3 more years like this! :-(
It makes me wonder if the title of PhD is really worth feeling so low.

I know it sounds like I have made my decision but I'm still worried that I am just clouded by the engagement, or that I would regret leaving, not find another job, or that I might have to pay my stipend back - I would be totally bankrupt! Also has anyone actually been through the process of leaving? I dread having a meeting with the postgrad tutor - think I would just cry!!

Any advice or comments on why doing a PhD is worth the hassle would be really really appreciated! x

Poi - I'd suggest a visit to whatever student advice centre you have so that you can get at the facts regarding your stipend in a neutral environment. Then the careers service, do those tests on potential occupations then read up on anything that sounds useful. If you know where you want to go, then you can make a good decision on whether a PhD would help or not. Don't decide anything in a rush, do your careers research, make a plan and then if the PhD is wrong for you, quit with a happy heart.

Poi is so know how you feel, you sound exactly like i did when I first started, in fact I'm sure if you hunted you'd find a thread very similar to this one!
First things first, think about the reasons you decided to do a phd and decide if they are really as importnat to you as they seemed to be. For me I knew I wanted to be a lecturer and this was what I had to do for that, but I wasn't so keen on the research side of things and just preferred to teach. After starting, by christmas I was all for leaving. I kept at it though as I couldn't decide for 100% sure that I would be happy if I left, and here I am, 7 months away from finishing. I know now that I don't really want to stay in academia, not because I don't like it, but because there are other things that would suit me better. I also hate the idea of short term contracts and potentially having to move around got jobs, but really, today, so many professions have short term contracts, and those that don't are unwilling to employ anyone other than temporary staff. So having to apply for funding every few years isn't fun, but I think there will be a semblance of that in every job, whether it's yearly performance reviews to prove why you should keep your job or applying for grants if you're working for NGOs or whatever.
Being along in the lab surely can't help, are there any other student working with your sup that u can meet? failing that, set aside regular break times where you can meet friends for coffee, you'll meet plenty of people through training courses and student events I'm sure, having that little break for an hour a day might really help you. I met one of my best mates through a uni club in my first year of phd and it's been such a help, we have a regular girly chit chat and moan about or phds which has kept me sane!
finally, about your engagement. I'm also in a long distance relationship, my boyf has been in france for about 2.5 years finishing his phd and will be there for another 2 years doing his post doc. there is nowhere near him that I can work so even when I finish this year, I'll have to get a job somewhere else and it's likely that it could be another few years before we can settle down, but we have (just about) managed to make it work. As you know it's hard, but as long as he respects your decision to do your phd and you respect his feelings about it, then you can do it.

I can't tell you what decision to make, or what are the most important things for you to consider, that's all down to you, but I can say that even though I was on the verge of leaving many many times, and it's been hard doing long distance, and I have an evil sup (and a nice one :)) and I've spent many a night crying through stress loneliness etc, it's actually been worth it so far! Sounds a bit odd, but I'm glad I've stayed cos there are so many things I wouldn't have experienced otherwise. And even though I might never stay in academia, I'll always have those times and I'll know just how tough I really am :-)

Good luck for your decision lady (up)

======= Date Modified 09 Mar 2010 19:38:29 =======
Thanks for the advice Algaequeen and Bewildered :-)

What were the best bits of doing your PhD Algaequeen? One thing that encourages me to stay is the thought of going to conferences in interesting locations - but I am very shy so the thought of presenting (let alone lecturing on a regular basis) scares me senseless!

I will go to the careers advisor soon - I do have other things I'm interested in but they involve spending money on courses so I might have to do temporary work for a while first. That's a good point about having yearly progress reports etc. Algaequeen. I think it doesn't help that there is a Dr. in my office who is 40 and still hasn't found a permanent post despite plenty of publications. As we are running out of funding I am the only one actually in the lab the majority of the time, but I can talk to her when I finish the practical stuff. There is also 1 guy who has just finished writing up, and a woman who works part-time. I do have some lovely PhD mates who I can see at seminars and who I go to the pub with, but they don't appear to share the same career concerns as me and are more determined.

Wow, long distance relationships in different countries must be really difficult, I shouldn't complain too much! My fiance would never pressure me to leave, I just miss the cosiness of living together!

Hi Poi
Well for me, there have been loads of things that have happened, some of which are directly phd related and some which prob would have happened in other jobs but they happened here...
I've had the chance to go to conferences, I did a talk at the last one I went to and was so terrified, there were academics in the audience who had been working in my field longer since before I was even born, so they knew their stuff, but afterwards I had them come up to me and say that it was a great talk and my work was very interesting and someone even said it was the best talk of the conference. I ended up winning a prize for it and have to wirte an article for the society magazine. it's just amazing knowing that something that you've decided to work on, designed the experiments, done all the fieldwork and the results gets praise from some of the top people in the field. of course, I never would have been able to do it without the direction of my supervisors, and one in particular who made me rewrite a paper 9 times before it was finally accepted by a journal.
I've had to listen to some terriblly harsh comments from one of my sups, and had arguments with the other way at the start about the research, I've had to deal with what is essentially bullying inthe lab from another colleague, all crappy times but I got through them and I know that I can take whatever this phd throws at me now. with the endless re-writes i know how it is to sit at the computer or at the lab bench and know that you have only yourself to make you do the work, to keep you motivated.
I've also had the opportunity to travel to new zealand for my project, i did the whole thing on my own, which I never thought I'd want to do, never mind enjoy! all those flights alone, staying in hostels and having to make friends on my own are things I'm quite proud of doing, I'm not usually good with being alone! and then there are all the other little things, like the different people you meet who for me, are very different from my friends from home. going home now I can see how much I've grown and changed as a person and I'm glad I have.
But again, there are experiences here that I probably would have gotten without the phd, and others that I never would have, you never know what might happen within your project. It's a tough choice when you put so much emphasis on it, I think if you truly think you want to leave then do, you can always reapply for a project at a later date when you know you're ready for it. Or you can stay and give it a shot, and see how yours turns out, you might just have the time of your life :-)

Thanks algaequeen.
Things haven't really improved in the last few weeks. I have just finished my 11th day in uni in a row, and I have to work this weekend too due to experiments. The work is in a room alone, and I am actually normally fine with being alone but now it's sending me a bit insane! Perhaps this is partly due to obsessing over whether I should continue.

I am absolutely shattered physically and mentally. The lab recently got 3 grants rejected and there is only 1 postdoc and myself staying on after a few months if we don't get the next grant, so things are going to get very lonely indeed, if it wasn't bad enough already! My supervisors think I'm hard working but now I have to take on work from the people who are leaving plus my PhD and it's way too much. :-(

The competition for jobs in academia is becoming stiffer and, with budget cuts, ever smaller yet lots more PhD students seem to be being trained. Academia is only one route after a PhD.

I work in the private sector and would never touch academia with a bargepole now. But having the PhD itself has opened many doors and provided a really useful step ahead. I'm glad I did it and glad I finished it and I had some really, really rough times with it.

Ultimately only you can make that decision whether it's right for you. How long have you been doing your PhD? I wanted to quit mine after my first year, even had the letter written to quit and gave it to my supervisor. Luckily, he was very good and we talked things through and I ended up changing direction into something I'm now quite proud of that was quite interesting and unique. But PhD will be a mix of highs and lows no matter what!

Happy to talk further, little bit wine clouded at the moment :$