Hi Everyone, I'm newly registered on here but have been reading similar threads (Quitting dilemmas) for a few months now.
I am just entering my 2nd year of a 3 yr phd. I came back to education after 11yrs, did a MSc then got offered this phd before the MSc had finished so the two overlapped for a while. To say I felt frazzled was an understatement, I really enjoyed the MSc but almost as soon as I started the phd I was having doubts however, I kept persevering.
In July a health problem developed into an emergency and I had to have surgery and 8 weeks off, since returning I really feeling really depressed and am struggling to want to be here at all, let alone get any work done. The illness has left me with the possibility of not being able to have children, so now on top of the doubts about doing the phd, I am faced with the dilemma of leaving trying to have children until after the phd by which time I will be 36/37 yrs old or trying now which the consultant has recommended as this will give me more time to try alternatives if I have problems. My heart/mind is basically saying I would be more gutted to not have children than to not have a phd especially as i am really not enjoying academia and have no desire for a career in it afterwards. I've heard staff in this institute saying that a woman can't have a career and family it has to be one or another and my supervisor is very much for her career and has no kids so I'm not sure if i can talk to her about it, the other supervisor is male and has made it quite clear he doesn't want to know about my illness/problems!
I realise some people have children whilst doing a phd but I'm living 240 miles away from my partner to do this phd so that wouldn't be an option!!
If anyone has any advice/thoughts I would really appreciate them as i don't really have anyone to talk this through with here (I'm not in the university I'm in a small research institute). Thanks

Hi :). Wow, you have had a lot to deal with, so it's no wonder you're feeling so stressed. I'd recommend ignoring the rubbish you've heard the staff at your institute coming out with regarding the whole "a woman can't have both children and a career", because it's a load of bull and an extremely stone-aged view of the world. There are plenty of women who do have careers and children. A few professors at my university have little children, and are full time working women, so it is possible. But it's also a very personal decision as to how you prefer to handle kids and work. There's no "right" way about it, just what would suit you better.

Your male supervisor sounds like a horrible person (I've been there too, with mine making it clear he couldn't give a toss if he tried).

Coming to your decision. Listing some pros/cons of leaving vs staying can make the decision making somewhat more structured. Again, this is a very personal decision to make really, and if you know you'll be happy with the decision you come to the conclusion of making, then that is what is right for you.

I personally am someone who wouldn't put my life on hold for work and vice versa. Both can be handled with the right support, but that's just me. Different lifestyles work for different people.

Hope I helped a little :)...apologies if it sounds a little wishy-washy :/.

It sounds like you don't have the most supportive of supervisors! But in this day and age of course you can have both, people are just stuck in their ways!

What kind of PhD are you doing is it lab based? Is there any way you can do it long-distance or part-time? If not I'm sure there could be a way to get a year out due to personal circumstances (I know of a few people who have done this). You have been through a lot and being away from your partner will make it tough and maybe if you got to live with him and do the PhD it would be a little easier? I lived 500 miles from my partner for the first year of my PhD and I didn't realise how badly it was affecting me until he moved here and suddenly I could look back and see how depressed I'd been for the previous year.

As for having a family, that is obviously a very personal thing. If children are more important to you than the PhD then go with the consultants advice. But if you would like both perhaps the part-time or year out options could work for you?

Oh, that's a difficult one - because I cannot put myself in your shoes (I am happily childfree). Many woman have to choose between having a PhD or having children instead. It depends entirely on you.

From your post, it is clear what you are after. Have kids, abandon the PhD. If that's what you want, then go for it. We are not all born to work in academia. Do as you feel, but before you do anything, take 3 months out of the PhD. You need some time for yourself. You need to think and be 100% sure about what you really want to do in life. Hugs.

Why dont you try to get pregnant now and if it happens, you can take a break and see if you want to come back or not? Maybe it will happen in the write up time, maybe later. I think you can do both at the moment and see how the situation goes? That way you can do both at the moment.

Thank you for your helpful replies. I actually had a surprisingly constructive meeting with my female supervisor yesterday, that'll teach me not to assume things about people, she can empathize with how I'm feeling due to previous experience! My male supervisor is just typically male and doesn't want to hear about 'women's problems'! Cloudofash, I think I'll be doing something along these lines for now to see if I start enjoying the phd at all, because if I gave up now to try to conceive and couldn't what would I be left with then, no kids and no phd! Many thanks