Hi all, a bit of a negative post here, I'm afraid.

I've had a real crisis of confidence lately, especially when presenting my work - I seem to be getting less confident about public speaking, and not more. It used to be a breeze for me!

I know, rationally, that my work is good, but I just get this overwhelming feeling like 'I can't do this, I dont even know what this is' when I stand up to present. It happened at a postgrad symposium I presented at recently and I couldn't even read the words on my paper to script read, so had to leave the room to re-group. I then returned and gave a stunted version of what tthe paper should have been, part 'off the cuff' and part read from my print out, when I could get a purchas on the words.

This is a good paper, I've given it before, and it was well recieved and I was fine, but soething about being in the department, being 'assessed' by the staff and being put up amongst my direct peers just made me cave in. I also find the other students quite cold. There is a clique of them who are very close knit, who are full time and have various kinds of funding, and they just make me feel like an outsider, like I shouldn't really be there. They don't say hello, even though we've chatted a few times, and I just feel really out of it, as if I don't fit in. It's an extrordinarily prestigeous department too and perhaps part of me feels I don't really belong there, I'm much more comfortable and confident at the ex-poly's I teach in. The standard of some of the final year stuent's work is astounding, and it feels really hard to follow that.

My research and writing have also moved on since I last gave the paper, so I wasn't feeling great about it anyway.

I know I will get over this, it's probably part of the transition to becoming a hard-nosed tough old academic. I'd just like to make a friend in the department, I suppose. Another student who is friendly etc.

Hi Eska

Poor you - it does hit all of us at some point.  For me it was when I had been in my department (where I work) a few months and I was asked to give a seminar on the subject of my MSc research (which got a distinction so can't have been that bad). I was TOTALLY ripped apart and not in a supportive way - it was nasty and so bad I refused to give another one for 3 years.  I was happier presenting at international conferences with top academics that among my colleagues. I have since been to lots of these seminars and there does seem to be a scoring points agenda going on.  When I finally did do another one it was because someone was off on long term sick leave (stress) and so it was short notice. I did one I had already presented at an international conference and I wrote very detailed notes to use of I got flustered.  I didn't allow any questions or comments until the end and I practiced every deflection response to negative points "that's a really good point" "I hadn't thought of looking at it from that perspective" "I'll certainly think about the point you have made" "how would you approach this then" etc etc. I also suited up in my best (pre-academic life) corporate suit, heels, full face of make-up etc so I appeared more in control.

It went well.  I have recently presented at an international conference where my approach was somewhat controversial and I got another rough ride but the conference organiser came up to me afterwards and said that I had held my own against some pretty fierce opposition, so the hostile colleagues was good practice!

I'm a part-time PhD student at another university and I know no-one - I also have no real need to go into the department as I am in geography and work better from home (or out doing fieldwork). I have made the effort to go on some training courses even though I don't really need them so that I can do some networking.  I am much older (44) than most other students and am married with children living 15 miles from the university in a rural area - my life is so different from the other students but I do feel lonely when I do go in - who do I have coffee with or lunch? It then becomes a viscous circle of working at home because it is comfier.

Hi Eska
I hope you're feeling a bit better, sounds like a really crap situation. It's really difficult to do things in situation when you feel under pressure and like everyone is judging you. I get like that occasionally and it's not a nice way to feel. I generally tend to stay away form cliques of people, even if they are lovely people the fact that there is a 'clique' just puts me right off. Throwback from school days perhaps!
The only advice I can give really is to try not to think about what others think and concentrate on how the people who know you best feel about you. That sometimes helps me to trust in myself when I've got really low confidence and am unsure about how to deal with hostile people. If the people you know best like you, then you can't be all bad eh?! And if you are doing a PhD you've obviously got the knowledge, you've presented well before so you know how to do that, you just have to trust in yourself and your work more.
I think the more we do for our projects the more we sometimes feel how little we actually know and it's worse feeling that half way through than at the start when we don't expect to know everything. If you can find one student who you can have a chat with that might help, if there is a social you should go along and see if there is anyone you think you might get on with. Have some dutch courage before you go if necessary! Give it time, even some of the full time students there might be not good at meeting people and once they have their group of friends they can be reluctant to put themselves out there for a new person, but you'll be fine.

Oh dear, I do know how you feel. I have to give an internal presentation this coming week and am already sick to my stomach at the thought of it. And I have a background in 'good presentations' from a previous career, so why? Just feel like an insect stuck on a pin. Sorry can't give any helpful comments, just sympathy. Can hardly bear to work on the pres due to feeling so discouraged....oh dear....

======= Date Modified 06 Jun 2010 19:05:01 =======
Eska,

If it makes you feel any better, established academics told me that they still get nervous whilst giving papers - especially to people they don't know, and that writing (although it does get easier with time) is still an uphill struggle. It seems like the more we learn, the more we realise that there is some much out there to learn. The morale is: don't worry, everyone gets nervous showing and sharing their work with others. Remember this, and remember it happens to the best of us.

Second, public speaking does get easier with time. The more you do it, the easier it gets. So give as many papers as you can whilst you're a postgrad so you can get practice for later when you're a Doctor. From experience of going to conferences, people tend to be much gentler on PhD students than they are with full-fledge academics. They'll know you're still at the learning stage, so they're more likely to be understanding if you say anything they disagree with; they'll accomodate mistakes at this stage and they'll be generous in their comments and pointing you in (what they think is) the right direction.

Etiquette - If someone asks something you couldn't understand, politely say you didn't understand, ask them to explain this further to you (depending on your field, maybe give examples to illustrate their point). If you still don't understand/know the answer, then be humble and admit that this stage you don't know, but 'thank you, that's a very interesting point', make a note of it and say 'I'll have to look into it before I can answer/ I'll make sure I look into it'. Stay calm, be polite, show your appreciation for their comments by thanking them, and only answer what you actually know, never what you don't know! If someone still looks unsatisfied with your answer, ask 'Does this answer your question?', and if they reply in the negative, ask for further clarification. Enjoy sharing your work and getting feed-back - some of this feed-back might be very valuable for your PhD work, so do jot things down as they ask you - I also do this when I'm nervours and am likely to forget the details of the question; also, sometimes some very long questions can be asked and it's worth writing this down then breaking it into parts when you're answering.

Last, papers at a prestigious institution is an excellent way of networking and publicing your work. You know you're good, you know they'll like it, and this is a very big plus! You never know, they might give you some really positive feed back that'll boost your confidence. After the talk, chat to people, make contacts, and enjoy yourself!

Good luck!

Hi folks, thanks for the really useful feedback! and sympathy and encouragement.

I think what frightened me most was that I was so anxious I couldn't actually read the words on the paper, they kept spinning around the page and I couldn't get a purchase on them. One of the, very supportive, members of staff at my department, who was chairing the event advised me to only script read if I feel that nervous, but I couldn't actually read anymore! So what do I do? I couldn't think either, completely forgot how to use PowerPint, even though I use it all the time for work, and show students how to use it, andmy attempts to adlib were futile...

Any how, I dare say it won't happen again. Fingers crossed. I have really enjoyed public speaking in the past, and people have said how good I am at it, my first conference paper went down a storm, I seem to be going into reverse at this point.

Sounds a bit like a panic attack Eska to me! I'd say Rescue Remedy, I won't present without it anymore, placebo or not it works ok for me. I also get a bit nervous but I found if I have the first 2 slides nailed then I can get into the swing of things after that. If you are finding it hard to settle when beginning you talk panicking about how you are losing it only makes it worse. Keep a bottle of water with you when you get up there. Before you start take a few moments to gather yourself, take a drink of water and a few deep breaths and stand straight and just pretend to be confident and act like you know what you're talking about. Even if you are quaking inside it won't show that way on the outside. I'm sure it's just a phase but this might help til it passes! If you practice taking deep breaths then your body will get used to it being a way to relax, so when you get stressed in future it will be easier to calm down with just a few breaths!

Hi Eska,

In my role as teacher and curriculum coordinator, I have to speak publically often in front of adults (in role). I have also given three formal conference papers in front of academics, professionals, uni students and other teachers which went absolutely fine. I'm used to public speaking and take senior debating for my extracurricular contribution at school.

HOWEVER, I've found when I have to speak in front of the full staff in my school at morning briefiings when everyone is there (around 170 or so)-it really is the worst and my hands literally shake, although usually I can continue speaking. Last time I had to rest my paper with material on it on a table so I could see it as I had an extreme physical stress reaction and I got a case of 'wavy hands'. I think it is because it is in front of people I know and work with all the time and I know exactly how bitchy many of them can be (not all by any means but a good fair few). I could imagine all of the responses, read every nuance in every face and I could imagine afterwards some of the nasty little asides people may have made in their own offices.

I'm wondering whether it is the same for you....you mentioned that these were your immediate peers (as in people you work with). When you don't know many people in the audience, it is much easier to talk in some respects.

I bet your work is excellent though...you are placing the work of your colleagues on a pedastal as if you somehow are not as good as them. Absolute rubbish...you've worked extremely hard to get where you are and deserve to be where you are. The comments made by other Algaequeen on cliques are spot on. Cliques are all about creating little power blocs so that people can feel less insecure themselves. But unfortunately in large groups they really do exist. Think how rude those people are...they don't even say hallo after having chatted to you previously. OMG...But not worth worrying over that one....whatever is behind that it is certainly their problem not yours. Leave it with them and remember to say nice and supportive things to yourself in your 'self talk' or internal monologue.

Hi PJU and Algaequeen, thanks so much for your perceptive responses. I think it was very much to do with presenting in front of people I know, many of whom I know to be very exacting of others, ie the cliquey bunch. I heard one of them say how awful he thought one of the other speakers was, I thought she was ok, pretty comprehensive, clear and engaging. Plus there were a couple of my academic heros in the audience, who are lecturers in the department, and who I knew would by observing me with a teacherly interest, so that frightened me stupid.

Yes, you're both right about the cliquey people, once I sat in a seat next to one of them and it meant they coudn't all sit together, and it caused a bit of a sulk. I ended up moving to another seat! I have had a couple of conversations with them in the pub, so it feels really weird to walk into a room and there's no greeting, but I should just carry on as of they are not there, they won't be shortly anyhow, they're all final year full-timers.

I had someone from the audience email me asking if they could read my research, saying it sounded fascinating, so that's flattering.