I know life can be made very difficult for people but I can't agree that the response to that would be to accept you have no control at all over your situation. I have two daughters and if anyone made their lives difficult my instinct would drop everything and visit that person. However I believe it is my job to ensure my kids are educated about how unfair life is and to fight for personal control themselves regardless of the consequences. They need tto do it for themselves.

What I would be telling them is this:-
You can always get a new job. Always.
You can always get a new PhD position. Always.
Don't accept crap from people. Ever. It never ends well.

Learning to cope with difficulty in general and difficult people specifically is a core life skill.

I think it's fairly simple. If you don't learn these skills you will be shafted again and again. The earlier you learn to tackle these people and regain control over your future the better in my opinion. It doesn't help to soft soap people. Bad people aren't suddenly going to go away and people need to learn to protect themselves instead of relying on others to do it for them (police, courts etc). I think it is idealistic to think otherwise.

I don't think MyWorld has a choice. It's eat or be eaten. The next time her supervisor makes an innappropriate comment about her appearance she should not look at him, carry on her work in a nonchalent fashion and in a very assertive voice say "If my husband heard you saying that he would beat the shit out of you" and then ignore him. He would have to be a real dumb ass to then start punishing her. He may not be scared of her but he will be scared of what her husband might do!

I totally agree, and I hope MyWorld does something like that, and that it works well.

These power issues are massive and pervasive throughout society. Abuse is rife! Yes, people need to be empowered, and then things are going to change.

Hi Tudor_Queen and pm133,

Thanks a lot for giving me a new vision of my problem, it is difficult for me to speak up, when I was growing up, nobody showed me to defense myself or speak up when I had a problem and it is related with abuse. That is not an excuse to not doing it now, but it is a behavior that I learn...be silent and not do any noise, and I hate that part of myself but I am learning how to deal with it. I started (a long time ago) individual counseling in my country and now here, I am working my confidence and it is working (although it seems that not), I have told a lot of times my conflict with the project and how change it and put some of my ideas, it work partially but it worked. I talked with my boss about my situation in the lab like I am not fine in that lab, I do not like the project or the person with I am working...but I did not have any solution...you stay here or go in a lab with a new project, and believe me, I tried to move to another lab and every person that I talked with was stopping me...trying to convince me about staying (and this for an international student I can tell you that is really crazy/hard stuff).
They told me that is not good for the CV to change labs in the middle of your PhD. I do not know if this is true...but I am not from this country and I do not know the rules.They told me that if I was preparing a paper my name would not be there if I go and going to another lab will delay my PhD for a year at least (I did not care about this).

I am speaking out but this personal things, I have never told to my boss or as you know my husband, I thought that I could manage this without freaking out, now after reading you guys I can understand that this behavior is not ok and I this situation has to change.

pm133 you do very good with your kids, I will do the same when I have mine...growing up without confidence is really hard and it follows you the rest of your life until you start working on it. And absolutely, I will use my husband next time!! I am a fighter and I did not want to change my project because I have a creepy guy around me, it is like you do not win I am!I think that this maybe could be the principal reason of why I am still here.

Thanks so much again for the support and for listening. I will continue fighting! And trying this new things that you gave me.

And it was really sad and a had a big deception with my boss, because he puts me in this lab with this co-mentor, and after telling him that I did want to change labs, that I did want to stop working here, he did not helped me, he knew that I was not fine here and he did not gave me any solution (like we can do your project or similar thing in another lab because he has another grant with other lab or I can talk to other people..) he just told me you stay/or go...and that really hurt me because I trusted him. He never speaks about it or he never asks me about ¨How are things going with this person?¨or ¨Are you doing ok?¨. I thing that this is the hardest thing that I have learned and done... I was really grateful to my boss because he gave me the possibility to do a PhD in another country but I did not expect that from him...it was like throwing me to the lions...and zero responsability... your student is telling you that she is not doing fine and you do nothing??

I am learning a lot from this experience, it is being an eye opening experience...but I did not recommend this to anyone, at least I have very good friends at the campus (I am a very social person) and I have my husband with me and my family (at least by Skype) but my personal life goes really well, that makes me feel stronger.

But this is not over, I am not going from here without stepping out about this problem with my co-mentor or without giving him the answer that he deserves.

Thank again that really helped me.

I was reading the other messages (sorry I missed one from you pm133) and well...I am uncomfortable because I think that he has feelings or he likes me around him. One morning that I did not say ¨Good morning¨to him he told me literally ¨the next time that you arrive to the lab you come and say good morning to me because that makes my day¨so i was really confused about it at the moment but now I think that it was really odd/creepy. His comments and not only the text message saying good morning in the sand of the beach at 7.30am that I can deal with that, is the way he looks at me (I usually put my lab coat to avoid his looks), I try to wear clothes that are not like marking my body, etc...I have to change my normal behavior because of him and that is not fine...I cannot tell him ¨what are u looking at?¨ I mean I can but I do not know the consequences...he is old and I think that he is bored and whatever, but this is unnecessary. The way he treats me now when I stop playing ¨his game¨and I am not nice to him is consuming me because I am not being myself, and that is a kind of abuse.
He never touched me or hug me or any personal contact (I am grateful for it) but I think that there is a line that you cannot cross...comments or behavior can be abuse.

I think that talking about him about I am not fine with this kind of comments it is necessary, I am waiting for a next time or maybe use the other person that works in the lab (but they like each other a lot...) as a witness of the conversation if I do it...

Thanks again and sorry for all the messages!

He sounds like a creepy specimen! Just a bit of advice... because the things he is doing that make you uncomfortable are quite subtle, you may not be able to point them out to him directly. He can easily deny anything and make it seem like you are the one with a problem.

So - another way to address this is to change your behaviour - e.g., stop smiling, stop being friendly, become ultra professional, and avoid him at any cost. When he says something like about saying hello because it makes his day, just pull a face that says "this is pathetic / I have no time for this", and whatever you do, don't smile. When he texts you, do not reply. Tell him that email is the preferred method of contact - and stick to that. Delete his number and never reply to a text (if he texts about something related to your work then just reply by email).

Actually, I think that just doing the above might be enough to get the message through that you are not interested/going to tolerate it. It may be more effective (and easier) than trying to have a conversation about it.

If you do change your behaviour in this way, then don't be surprised if he asks you about it (e.g., "what's wrong?" "have I upset you?" "I liked it when..."). But you can be prepared for that. Again, no smiling or unnecessary friendliness. It might sound harsh, but those things are just nonverbal behaviours that can encourage unwanted attentions.

If you are anything like me, you might have to practice not smiling, as it can be a natural thing to do when communicating. But it truly does send a strong message if you can just look busy, frowning, looking away and glancing at the door or your watch, and like you are not at all interested in his flirtation/overtures. He will soon find someone else to satisfy his boredom/fantasies!

Good luck! :-)

I'm sorry to hear about all of this. From you you say it sounds like this co-supervisor is abusing his position of power. Its unfortunate your boss/lead supervisor is taking the approach he is in that he's pretty much saying put up with the situation or go, I've had to deal with this attitude myself and its not pleasant or helpful. Its evident the situation is affecting you a lot. If you challenge this co-supervisor the risk is his retaliation in some way to make things difficult for you as a researcher. The only advice I can offer is just to be professional, only engage with this person when you need to, maybe with someone else around when you do if possible. It doesn't sound like the support is there at the University and its possible the University could just take the staff member's side regardless of anything you say if you take any formal action, its going to be your word against the word of this co-supervisor, although they would probably have a quiet word about him texting you, in my experience such contact is unusual and I also advise not engaging with them via text, don't respond. I would also strongly advise letting your husband know, its good you have external support but they can only fully support you if they know about what is happening, they may have helpful advice also.