Hello,
So, I have been suffering from clinical depression. I'm taking an antidepressant, going to therapy, but still feeling like crap. I'm in my second year and until now I produced absolutely nothing. My GPA is good, but you guys know how GPA doesn't mean anything at grad school... I have been feeling so stupid, unable to think and concentrate, unable to have ideas... To let you guys know how much depression has affected my cognitive ability, yesterday I took the mini-mental test at my doctor's office and when she asked me to count down from one hundred by sevens, I stopped at 93 and said that I didn't know which was the next number!
I'm an international student, so I'm here by myself. I don't want to quit my PhD and go back to my country, but I feel sick and guilty for being unable to produce as much as my colleagues. I thought about going to the student disability service and get some help (I don't know what kind of accommodation I could ask for, though), but I'm afraid that people in my department would see me like an invalid, as someone that can't make a contribution. Also, I'm afraid that being a "student with disability" would make me have trouble to find a job in the future.
If you went through a similar situation, let me know how you managed it.

Remember that everyone is different, and many people don't get proper results for several years. As long as your supervisors tell you your progress is fine, then you are ok.

Being depressed isn't a disability - it's an illness, so I'm not sure whether the disability service can help you, but you could ask, and it would be confidential, so your colleagues won't find out. You should go to the student health centre or your doctor and see what other help they can give you.

Depending on your university, disabled students services might include depression anxiety etc in their provisions and be able to help you out. Mine do, although I have been here several weeks and not received any tangible support yet (slow admin I guess). You may be able to get a series of recommendations written up - I have them (depression and anxiety related) including things like permission to audio-record meetings; leeway on deadlines (within reason); regular contact to keep up to date with scheduling and workload management...should be a great help for when my cognitive ability isn't up to scratch! Also depending on funding (ugh) I can get a mentor/support worker who is separate from my research and the academic faculty just to consult with to make sure things don't get too bad.

I was ridiculously nervous about others finding out as I've had bad experiences previously too - I even asked the disability people to slow down the part where they disclose to supervisors so that I'd have the chance to meet them and for them to get to know me a little before having that info....however with one of my supervisors in particular (I have three now!) I definitely needn't have worried - I had a complete panic-mode moment (well, more like an hour at least) in the staff kitchen and she came in for coffee, after some persuasion I told her a little about my situation and she says "you're actually shaking, work isn't worth this" and I said "it's worth everything to me" (because it is) and she just gives me a hug and tells me to go home for a bit!

Of course everyone's different but I think the one thing I've learnt is that there's always some people around who are willing to support you whatever irrational thing is going on in that moment!

hi k1409
I'm sorry to hear that you are depressed. I have been through it too, in fact I get it on and off; my last episode got triggered this July. You need to believe that you will get better, and you will be free of depression. That is how I handle my own depression.

I have faith that I will heal and I will be free of mental suffering.

I listen to a lot of uplifting music. One of them is the heart sutra, there is a Malaysian lady who works on Buddhist music, she has produced beautiful renditions of sutras. The heart sutra helped me to cope with my mother's death.

Another thing you need to do is NOT to be alone. You need to socialise a little. During my masters degree, I had a small group of friends who would have coffee and cake together in the evenings. My bestfriend would knock on the window of my lab, and then I'd run out and we'd sit together for a laugh, or listened to anyone who wanted to rant etc.

Don't be alone. If you don't have "real" people to hang out with, find online support, because with the internet, if we use it responsibly, we will never be alone.

Don't give up. I can get through being depressed, I managed to finish my phd, I have been through bereavement, shock, joblessness etc. Shock because after my mum died, my father started going out with someone 40 years younger than him, she is even younger than me and I have been through feelings of disgust, sadness, whatever it is -- how would you feel if your dad started going out with someone younger than you, and this is so close to my mother's passing away, I have been so disgusted that it ate the insides of my soul.

And today I am still OK. I can get through it, so can you.
Take care
love satchi