Hi,

First post here. I am currently coming the end of the 2nd year of my PhD. I am being treated for quite serious clinical depression (medicated), which I had before the PhD and has got worse over the last 2 years. I was recently hospitalized due to an overdose of tablets, and following this the head of department (HoD) has expressed views that he thinks I should suspend my studies for 3-6 months.

However, I am a bit of a workaholic, and I've actually been channeling a lot of my unhappy energy into my PhD studies. It is pretty common for me to work 8am-2am the next day, 7 days a week. I feel that it would be very difficult for me to face my peers if I return from a period of leave for depression, as it is really quite embarrassing and I personally view my illness as weakness/an excuse to shirk my work.

In addition to this, I am the editor of a magazine here at the University and a staff-student rep on a society. I feel immense responsibility over my roles, and feel that suspending my studies would really destroy me inside, and make me feel incredibly guilty.

I feel like physically begging the HoD to reconsider his recommendations, as I don't really know if failing something I am so passionate about would push me into a bit of a bad place. More than anything I just feel immense shame that I have allowed others to see me in this state.

I've browsed some of the prior posts on this site, but was wondering if anyone else had some comments. Don't really know what I am asking here, but would just like to see what other PG's feel.

Final point - I am industry funded in a large project, and the fact that I am failing them is really getting me down. I was supposed to go offshore this summer, but my medical was declined due to depression, so they already know somewhat

Thanks

Hi, first of all you shouldn't feel guilty over your depression. It's an illness and you are receiving treatment and hopefully it'll pass.

I think before you decide to suspend or continue you should aim to understand the reasons for your depression. Do you think the depression has been caused by anything PhD related? If that is the case it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a break, but if you feel that the PhD is actually giving you an escape from your depression don't suspend. However, working from 8am-2am 7 days a week is not healthy. Medication is one way to make the symptoms of depression pass... getting counselling, doing CBT, looking after your body and mind (exercise, Yoga, meditation, mindfulness,...) is the next step to work on the root of the problem. Could you consider going part-time for some time which would allow you more time for yourself while stilling being involved with your uni?

Do you have any other support alongside the medication? I'm thinking about your working pattern and the fact that you feel you channel your energies into that - if you suddenly stop that without having something else in place then it may indeed come as a big shock. Would you consider speaking to someone like a psychologist or a counsellor, who may be able to help you to look at things like your routine and things to help you cope?

Good luck, and as AnnJolie said, there is no need to feel like you are letting people down - depression can happen to anyone. If it helps, imagine what you would say to a friend who was in the same position - sometimes it is easier to be kind to someone else than ourselves.

I had to take Leave of Absence from my PhD to deal with my depression. The story is a bit long and convoluted, but basically I reached a point where I was just unable to do productive work on my PhD. I was working all of the flipping time, but I wasn't making progress because every time I sat down to work on my PhD my brain went "you are so stupid, this work you've done is rubbish, do it again" so I was working constantly but always redoing work I had already done.

My depression was getting worse and worse and, after going back to my parents for Christmas, I decided I needed a break from PhD. So, I applied for 6 months leave of absence. Eventually I took 9 months off, coming back to my studies last November. I've made good progress in the work since then and, with a 6 month extension on my 4 year deadline, I'm due to submit at Christmas.

One thing that may surprise you though (and certainly means that many of my colleagues are surprised when I disclose my illness), is that I worked part time as a Teaching Fellow throughout my illness. I got the job after my funding wasn't extended beyond 3 years (it was for all of the other students, but I hadn't been deemed to be working hard enough/making enough progress so my funding was pulled). I've always loved teaching and this post was perfect. So, throughout my absence, I was in the department most days (because a part time teaching post is never really part time) but I was NOT allowed to work on my PhD. I spent the rest of the time in therapy, sleeping, spending time with friends and developing a life.

If I'd just been absent from everything I think I would have really, really struggled to come back. But, having that job gave me a sense of purpose and reminded me why I was trying to finish the PhD in the first place.

Doing a PhD is immensely hard. Trying to do a PhD with a serious mental illness is the hardest thing I will ever do. But, I want that job in academia so I'm going to finish my PhD.

In terms of career, I'm actually doing better than many of my peers - my first Teaching post ended in May, I'm about to take up a 2month Research Post for my supervisor and am then starting a 2 year full time teaching post in another department at my university.

So, although my PhD will not be submitted until 5 years and 3 months after I started, it hasn't hold me back career-wise.

Do not be ashamed of your illness. You should be proud that you are doing this enormously difficult thing in spite of your illness. Can you suspend your studies but continue to be editor of the magazine? It's important to still feel connected to the uni I think and to do things which give you a sense of worth. Additionally, is there any option to drop to part time for your PhD instead of full absence? If you could take some of the pressure off, you might find a bit of space helps.

If you want to talk further, please PM me. I've been there, I've come through the other side and although I still have the odd moment of depression, it's nowhere near as critical as it has been in the past. I haven't had a major freakout since February, when before my absence it was an almost daily occurrence.

Thanks for the replies guys, I will try and answer each post now:

@AnnJolie & Chickpea - I have gone back to counseling, but am currently on a waiting list. I will look into using University Counseling/Welfare to bridge the gap a bit. I'm looking into mindfulness and some self help stuff, but the problem I have is that when I have a good day/period i disregard that stuff and act as if i am fine. I think I have recognised that this is why my behavior is cyclic.

@IntoTheSpiral - "If I'd just been absent from everything I think I would have really, really struggled to come back" - this is what really worries me about the idea of suspending. If I cannot find employment here at my University/Town I will have to return to living with my parents, and give up my social life and sport. I think this would absolutely crush me.

Thanks again for the replies. I really like the idea of part time work away from the PhD but still in my field. I don't think the PhD itself is directly contributing to my illness, but I do worry that my work is really starting to suffer.

I'm due a meeting with all of my supervisors and the HoD. I will probably discuss the outcome of that here. Thanks again guys

Just wanted to say, don't worry about other people's reactions - I think you'd be surprised how many PhD students suspend studies for a bit. Illnesses both physical and mental, personal crises, financial problems etc all can cause people to suspend studies. One thing is for sure though if you are working 8am to 2am, it's no wonder your work is suffering regardless of your illness- no-one can be productive like that. Ann Jolie is absolutely right, and if your supervisors are aware, it's no wonder they are keen for you to take a break. How about proposing a compromise i.e. that you will take a few weeks off, that you'll commit to working healthier hours etc.