Hi all,

I did my BSc and although was tough and I did it part-time, I got it with honors. Then, I got an important scholarship to do a 2 full years MSc. abroad. Everything was to be perfect but before I finished my MSc. I got diagnosed with leukemia and everything went worse (it happened 3 years ago).

My illness showed me how useless I am. I felt totally excluded from this world. But I got over it and I started to look for a PhD.

However, was not easy... I had many rejections (Europe was in crysis and everybody wanted to do a PhD) and my selfsteem was very low. But I got an offer to be research assistant with possibilities to end up as a PhD and I took the offer.

Things were good. I took some modules and I passed them with A´s. I enjoyed work at lab and I even spent weekends because I really liked the topic and work... however, I started to work with a postdoc and problems started. Again, I felt exclude for the meetings, I felt exclude for the experiment, I felt exclude for him. Then I did my qualifying exam and I failed. I was totally blocked, unable to speak or to think. I had other chance after christmas holidays and I also failed the exam. On the middle of the oral exam I ask the committee to stop. I couldn't think properly and my supervisor asked me what happened.

Well... he was very supportive and advice me to ask for a "leave of absence" and work to fix this problem: my depression.

But I´m feel a total failure. I´m feel as a defective PhD. I don´t know if this is going to affect to my PhD. Tomorrow the PhD committee will have a meeting to discuss my case.

Any of you had the same problem? Any advice?

Thanks!

P.S. Sorry for the spelling mistakes. I wrote it from my mobile O:)

I'm sorry for what you have been through. It must be a very tough time.

What job would be stress free and help free you from the depression? Do you think that type of job exists?

It is natural to feel a bit down now and then when doing a PhD, but if it was making me seriously ill, I would leave the PhD. It isn't worth sacrificing your health for the sake of a PhD. Unless you desperately want to work in academia, you don't even need a PhD for most jobs. Honestly, it isn't a big deal when you look at the bigger picture.

As you are probably aware, most successful people don't have a PhD. My partner doesn't have one, and we both started off at the same time, and it will take me at least another 10 years to get to what he is earning now, for example.

Hi Chococake, thanks for your reply.

Actually I was dealing very good with the stress during my research assistant period and the first 7 months of my PhD. But everything started a 3 months ago, when I started to be blocked mentally and I failed the first QE. I was in the counseling Service centre from my uni, and the psychologist suggested me to take a break. Many traumas from illness can appear after some years and I believe this postdoc switched something in my head and I felt again totally excluded from everything.

About quit the PhD... well... that´s NOT the plan. I want to do the PhD and I´ll do the PhD because a) I love research, b) I don´t want to be in academia, but hey, I want to do it. This will be my "legacy". I don´t think I´ll be here in the next 15 years (or maybe yes... there are many medical advances...who knows) but I want to be proud of something I did and that´s my way to do it.

Of course I can choose better paid jobs or less stressful, but that´s not what I want to do with my life and actually that´s the bigger picture: make my last (or penultimate) research task.

Don't waste life and allow PhD to lead you into poverty. If your not enjoying PhD, let it go rather make PhD a pretty huge d**k. An uncertain PhD leads to depression and permanent brain damage.

TreeofLife I got data and subjects who experienced psychological and physiological damages due to PhD. Partial dementia, amnesia and PTSD. Are you doing PhD in this field?

No, molecular biology. Who is your control group?