*Just noticed the typo in the subject line but cannot edit it*

I just finished a bit of writing that I have worked really hard on for 3 months. Everybody in my family knew I was doing this piece fo work and should know how much it means to me.

However no one phoned me to ask to read it or to even just quickly say well done for finishing it.

I phoned my mother to tell her I had finished all my course work and she really didn't seem to care.

Does this happen often? Do you ever feel like you are the only one who cares about your work?

My mum actually was a massive support when I was writing up, to the point where she handled most of my personal and financial matters so I could be left free to work. So not everyone is like that.

I think you have to look at this as it being your choice as to what to do with your life and as it has no direct impact on anyone else, it's not their business. It only becomes an issue for them if it affects their day-to-day lives. I bet you if you mentioned marriage, they'd be all over you and pushing that as your priority - all of a sudden, big day followed by grandchildren as soon as possible after would be the be all and end all for them.

One example came whilst I was writing up. I had one friend who thought that I should halt my PhD in order to take driving lessons as that would do me more good than anything else in the world. In fact he became very, very pushy about it in that I should stop what I was doing and immediately learn to drive before I did anything else. The situation became bad enough for my mum (in the above described support role) to intervene without any prompting from me and basically tell him to shut up and back off until I was finished.

There were ulterior motives (visiting them on a weekend, cheap taxi for a night out with me as 'nominated driver' - "oh sorry, we can't afford a taxi" or "I'm not getting the bus, it takes too long" followed by "can you drive us there?") I'll not go into, but you find many people can be quite selfish or disinterested when it comes to others doing their own thing.

There was a classic on here a couple of years ago, where relatives expected a lad starting his PhD to prioritize care of an errant sister who'd previously criminally defrauded him over his own life and studies.

Ian

You have a good mum. I don't really have anyone like that. My ex girlfriend stays in touch but she is just an activity partner really that doesn't know anything about research. My Uni friend just wants to drink alcohol all the time and I really don't want to do that.

Those are some interesting examples you have provided. Both examples sound really quite selfish.

My Mother was interested in me when I was a secondary teacher not so much now.

I think my Dad is a bit jealous that I am getting to do what I want to do and he isn't.

I think Ian's right, in that people take an interest in the bits of your life that have implications for them personally. For my folks, interest in my PhD largely involves questions like, 'Are you managing to get some paid work as well?', because the bit that matters most to them is that I'm off my head for going back to being a student at 43! My sister-in-law, on the other hand, has done a PhD herself, so she's interested in asking about my experience and giving me words of wisdom from her own.

It came as a shock to me at first to realise that I was turning my life upside down over a thing that no-one else even wanted to know about, but I've accepted it now - the folks will be there for me if I need help, but if I want to talk PhDs then I go to someone else who's doing one or has done one already.

Huxley, Chickpea, my take on your parents is they wanted to see you in paid employment and thus looking after your financial security. That I can relate to as my mum told me a year into my PhD that she initially questioned my decision to give up a reasonably well paid and (what she saw as a) secure job to do the PhD - she admitted she lost sleep over it.

However, I was happy with my decision and that was most important to her - she couldn't have been more supportive. Besides, the place I was working at closed six months later, thus so much for security (and I'd seen it coming). This is typical of many parents, that financial security (i.e. job), marriage and grandchildren seem to be foremost on their agendas for their kids.

I think my decision to quit work to return caught a few people on the hop. I'd been talking about it on and off in parts for a while with two failed applications a year after I finished Masters, but I don't think anyone took me seriously until I did it.

I think with my friends, having a friend as a 30 something student whilst they were working didn't sit comfortably with them - they were in paid employment and expected the people they knew at that stage in their lives to be doing the same. The student thing is something you do whilst your young in many people's eyes before moving on as quickly as possible to settled domesticity.

I've been back in a salaried real world job for a while (research career plans went belly-up for reasons I've discussed elsewhere), so said friends are more relaxed now with their world consisting almost entirely of 9 to 5 salaried people. My mum knows if there was a chance to return to research or a development role I'd take it, however, the employment situation where I live somehow makes that impractical.

Ian

Yes, the focus on money and security can be very important to parents (I don't think my mum ever quite forgave me for giving up my first full-time job when I was 25 - a poorly paid admin job but it came with the all-important pension!) I can understand it too, having seen both my parents go through periods of unemployment when I was growing up and having had a couple of periods without work myself. It makes complete sense that there's an element of 'What is he/she up to now?' when we go off and start something as uncertain and risky as a PhD, and they want to focus on whether or not we're still feeding ourselves :-)

I've sent my work to people before - I don't think they read it. It's too boring/has too much jargon. As I am out of the UK at the moment, I did send a Christmas newsletter to everyone back home with a 500 word layman's summary of my work, which I was told by several people was enjoyable to read and gave them a good understanding of what I was doing.

I think it's not that they don't care, it's that they are busy, find it difficult to understand, or just don't know how much it means to you to feel like you are supported.

I'm glad people at home don't care. I have something that's mine like a little secret about me :)They say they are proud but we don't talk about it. My husband has no idea at all what a PhD is ha ha