Efficient Ways to Encourage/Comfort, Please help
My partner of many years is in crisis: fourth year on the job market and it's looking grim. Seeking advice: what are the good way to support? What worked for you? Looking for what works (not practical advice as that's covered) My partner is desperate and I am running out of words. Thank you in advance!
I don't think many words will work but being there for her will. She is probably has massive anxiety and loss of confidence, I am presuming so correct me if I am wrong. So the worst thing you can do is focus on her PhD and jobs. So giving her some daily normality and things to look forward to is probably the best thing you can do.
How realistic is it that she will get an academic job do you think? Is she getting interviews? I think your reaction is probably different if on paper she's competitive as a candidate and just missing out, compared to someone chasing an increasingly unlikely dream. If it's the former, do you have a sense of what's going wrong and whether say interview coaching might be a worthwhile investment. If it's the latter, I think you need to start stressing that there are good non-academic alternatives, that it's ok to walk away from academia etc. Maybe you could have an 'in an ideal world' what would we want to have in our lives, where would we want to live etc conversation and gradually bring her round to the idea that there are other futures that could be great but don't involve an academic job. Good luck - the uncertainties of such a long job search must be tough on both of you.
What is the specific crisis being faced maybe amplified for better guidance
Dear sheka_chan, thank you for asking. My partner is getting increasingly desperate and depressed; feeling worthless and saying that the last seven years of life were wasted; doesn't feel motivated to continue the search because it feels that it is hopeless.
How realistic is it that she will get an academic job do you think? Is she getting interviews? I think your reaction is probably different if on paper she's competitive as a candidate and just missing out, compared to someone chasing an increasingly unlikely dream. If it's the former, do you have a sense of what's going wrong and whether say interview coaching might be a worthwhile investment. If it's the latter, I think you need to start stressing that there are good non-academic alternatives, that it's ok to walk away from academia etc. Maybe you could have an 'in an ideal world' what would we want to have in our lives, where would we want to live etc conversation and gradually bring her round to the idea that there are other futures that could be great but don't involve an academic job. Good luck - the uncertainties of such a long job search must be tough on both of you.
My partner of many years is in crisis: fourth year on the job market and it's looking grim. Seeking advice: what are the good way to support? What worked for you? Looking for what works (not practical advice as that's covered) My partner is desperate and I am running out of words. Thank you in advance!
Is your partner asking for support or are you giving it without being asked?
There are probably no words which will help if support is being given without being asked for.
From personal experience I prefer to sort things out myself. If my wife or anyone else constantly brought up my situation without me asking it would make things immeasurably worse and would probably ruin the relationship.
So my advice is to ask yourself whether you need to maybe say less to them and give them space to work things out for themselves.
I have to admit though that at 4 years it's going to be time to move on.
Its time your partner starts looking at how much has been achieved rather than worrying on how much is left to do. A realistic stock-taking of all that has happened in a positive way towards the attainment of the goal is needed at this hour rather than fret and fume.. Feeling desperate is part of the journey.
Believe that she is destined to achieve what she wants.Breaking down the tasks at hand ( the unfinished ones into smaller segments __ those that are achievable) will make her feel better. Small steps moving forward and believe in self that one has the ability to achieve come what may. Try getting 8 hours of sleep till you tide over the depressive feeling.Depression sets in bouts and doesn't last long. Perhaps a minor change in the lifestyle by including some amount of daily routine and regular exercise(e.g. walking, jogging or even swimming) can alleviate the seemingly grim situation.
Try visualizing how it would look on attaining the long cherished desire to complete Ph D.Two of my friends were non starters even after 7 years. Last week one of them has submitted his thesis. Have faith in yourself. All difficulties will trivialize as time passes and you take conscious steps not to tread the already trodden path.
You are destined for bigger things in life. May god bless you.
Is your partner asking for support or are you giving it without being asked?
There are probably no words which will help if support is being given without being asked for.
From personal experience I prefer to sort things out myself. If my wife or anyone else constantly brought up my situation without me asking it would make things immeasurably worse and would probably ruin the relationship.
So my advice is to ask yourself whether you need to maybe say less to them and give them space to work things out for themselves.
I have to admit though that at 4 years it's going to be time to move on.[/quote] A great tip, but I am not volunteering--the support is wanted. Thanks!
Its time your partner starts looking at how much has been achieved rather than worrying on how much is left to do. A realistic stock-taking of all that has happened in a positive way towards the attainment of the goal is needed at this hour rather than fret and fume.. Feeling desperate is part of the journey.
Believe that she is destined to achieve what she wants.Breaking down the tasks at hand ( the unfinished ones into smaller segments __ those that are achievable) will make her feel better. Small steps moving forward and believe in self that one has the ability to achieve come what may. Try getting 8 hours of sleep till you tide over the depressive feeling.Depression sets in bouts and doesn't last long. Perhaps a minor change in the lifestyle by including some amount of daily routine and regular exercise(e.g. walking, jogging or even swimming) can alleviate the seemingly grim situation.
Try visualizing how it would look on attaining the long cherished desire to complete Ph D.Two of my friends were non starters even after 7 years. Last week one of them has submitted his thesis. Have faith in yourself. All difficulties will trivialize as time passes and you take conscious steps not to tread the already trodden path.
You are destined for bigger things in life. May god bless you.
Thank you for your time and positive message.
