I need some help please... Hopefully at least some people on this forum will understand that some people choose a career in research because they enjoy the solitude. Many social situations cause a lot of stress in my life and I have some difficulty understanding "normal social interaction". I work closely with a research group and we meet regularly to discuss our ideas, give feedback etc.I am all for robust academic debate, and will gladly respond to constructive criticism but these sessions are very hostile and aggressive on the one hand, and on the other hand I am often ignored (every time I open my mouth I am interrupted, my suggestions are ignored until repeated by someone else or I am being mocked or heavily criticized, usually with a personal overtone so they are not merely responding to my work). This is a terrifying experience for me, because I am shy to begin with so it takes courage for me to speak up during these sessions. I also know I struggle to articulate my thoughts well (especially when nervous) so I have explained this to the group and instead sent drafts of my work in advance so that they are at least in part familiar with my arguments (this is allowed in our group and done by others) to stimulate debate. Somehow no one ever finds the time to read my things. I just feel as though everyone thinks I am a moron and shouldn't be in the program. I feel so much dumber than everyone else. Also, and please know I am not saying that the reason for my unpopularity is because my group is sexist or anything like that, but I am the only girl in the group so they are all friends and have loads of things in common, while I feel like a complete outsider with nothing in common with them. I have looked into some of the things they often discuss, but this has just made me more of target for ridicule because I am trying to fit in. Any advice please?

It could be that what you feel is mocking or ridicule is friendly ribbing (men often just talk to each other in sarcastic insults). I used to be incredibly shy too, but I really forced myself out of it (it was incredibly hard and I'm not judging you for still being shy), I forced myself to do things that scared me and gradually they got less scary. Perhaps just imagine you are speaking to a friend and try not to analyse yourself as much in these situations. These are only informal meet-ups and don't really mean anything, so don't put so much pressure on yourself. I bet underneath all the bravo they all feel insecure too, they just hide it a little better, I've found sometimes people often hide insecurities by acting over-confident. As my mum always says 'if you don't laugh you might cry', if you laugh at yourself when you are nervous or get something wrong it breaks the ice and the others will feel more comfortable too. Humour is definitely the way I get through those tough situations! =)

Their behaviour is completely unacceptable. A bit of shyness does not deserve aggression. What an unpleasant bunch of people - they are using you to flex their academic muscles in front of each other. Do you have to go to these meetings?

It is so unkind of them! But I would suggest that you take this negative experience as a challenge to change yourself a bit and face your fears of confronting others in social circles. This will give you a strong motivation to ignore their negative attitude towards you. So get prepared for your every meeting, try to drop your comments and if you got interrupted, don't despair. Imagine yourself in a lecture and take notes of their discussion. At the end of the day, those meetings will not continue forever, so in the meantime use this opportunity to change something in your personality that will stay within you forever. Struggle strenghthens people.

Hey Elle,

I am so sorry to hear about the issues you're having with your group. I know you don't want to think of this as sexist, but it is. These men are ignoring you and making you feel like you don't belong, because you are situated within a male-dominated sphere regarding your research. They might feel that as a woman, you are invading their space, and this is quite common in Academia, especially in hard sciences.

I'm not saying all men are like this by any means, there are of course, plenty of amazing men out there who support women in research. What I am saying, is that this situation is a text-book example of how some men might treat women in research to alienate them and make them feel unwelcome. They are supposed to read your drafts, and not doing so means they are not adhering to the rules of a research group.

Is it at all possible you can join a different research group? The purpose of such a group is to help support you. Alternatively, you can call them out on their behaviour, they may not even realise they are engaging in such forms of alienation. They might see this as normal and/or come from cultural backgrounds that view women as lesser and might not be aware that they are not treating you with disrespect.

I completely understand the shyness/awkwardness. I have severe social anxiety so I struggle with any type of social situation.

One suggestion could be that you take a shot of ____, walk in there, demand their attention and make a mini-speech. Tell them you are sick of how they are treating you, you are here to produce good research and need constructive, not hostile feedback. They might listen to you, or laugh at you, I can't predict the outcome. Another alternative is to join associations that support women in the sciences. You'll be able to network and get support with this particular situation.

I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who responded. It was such a relief to type this and to hear that I'm not crazy and that other people can see my point and also think things aren't as they should be.

So, really, thank you for taking the time to respond, especially with such helpful suggestions. I am going to try and be less shy and a little more assertive and perhaps if things do not improve, try to build up the courage to speak out (might need more than one shot of tequila/vodka though!) and challenge them to treat me better. I will also try to take the mocking less personally, as this might be not be intended in a mean-spirited way.

Awsoci, I really like the idea of joining an association that supports women, perhaps I've been a bit ignorant about how many of the problems I'm experiencing have also been experienced by other women. I certainly got a great deal of comfort and encouragement from this forum.

Kelpie, the meetings aren't technically compulsory, but my supervisor also attends quite a few of them and he started the group. The understanding between him and his students are that we have to attend these meetings. I don't think I would be kicked out of the program if I don't go, but it will reflect poorly on me, so I have to try and stick it out. Thanks for sympathizing though, it means a lot - it really does feel as though they are showing of to each other by seeing who can put me down the most so your comment of them flexing their academic muscles is soooo true, haven't really thought of it that way before.

Thanks again everyone!

Elleb, you may not think so, but in a way you are actually in a position of strength here- if you stop going to meetings and tell him why, he will do something about it himself- and PRONTO. If you want to be even more forthright, tell his Head of Dept- and see how soon something happens. All employers are (ror should be, and education as a sector falls firmly within the group who do!) fully aware of the consequences of even unintentional discriminatory actions, and will stamp on it. It is not a sign of weakness if you report this.

Hi Elle, your post could practically have been written by me (although luckily for me I don't think my group are intentionally making things difficult - it's hard to tell whether that is the case for you too - either way your colleagues need to be aware of how they are coming across). I'm the only woman in my research group too, in a very male-dominated branch of Physics and find it very awkward socially, and am constantly questioning why they picked me - I think a lot of women in our position find themselves thinking that way - google 'impostor syndrome'!. I think it might be worth having a word with your supervisor (be careful how you word it; avoid mentioning anyone particular, unless there is someone who's worse than the rest). Is there a mentoring programme at your uni? If so, I'd speak to the relevant person (it's intended for people with issues which they don't feel comfortable speaking to their supervisor about). I'd second the suggestion to join the society for women in whichever field you're in. Dare I ask what field you're in (vaguely)?

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to respond.

Your different viewpoints definitely helped me to see me situation from a few other angles and to consider options I wouldn't have thought of. I am surprised to hear that other people, especially women, also feel this way. Shirakawa, I'm sorry you're dealing with something similar. I'm in medico-legal, which I think is less male dominated than the pure hard sciences, although I guess hostile or patronizing people are everywhere. Good luck and believe in yourself - we may have a different way of doing things, but maybe that is exactly what our fields need.

Thanks for all the support and suggestions! (I feel loads less like an unlikable moron after this :) )