When I started my Masters it took some courage to get back into the academic world, in a different country and a few years after I took my undergraduate degree. However I felt full of energy and took every opportunity to learn without thinking too much about how I was going to perform. I am not saying that I did it as a leisure activity -I would have stayed home reading novels otherwise -but it was a 'vocational' choice and I did it without any financial or moral support from anyone. Actually my parents thought that I was wasting my time. So, as I was studying and working at the same time, our conversations were limited to the 'job' side. Then, unexpectedly, things took a 'competitive' turn. I got a distinction with my Masters, started my PhD last year, and suddenly got some awards.

[part 2] I am very happy about it, as I didn't expect to get to this point at all. The problem is that now I feel under pressure to produce something outstanding all the time. I cannot concentrate on anything and try to do 200 things at the same time, because I can only see the 'bigger picture' and don't manage to break it down into small chunks. I feel depressed and scared that if I continue like this I will jeopardise all the work that I have done so far. I think that my self-confidence was probably built on a very flimsy basis. I am the one that tend to work in a dark, little corner, and when suddenly I got some recognition for my work, it just scared me to death! Sorry about this tantrum. I just don't know how to get out of this. Is anyone in the same situation?

hey Corinne. Firstly, i think what you have acheived is incredible and you should feel very proud of yourself. Secondly, i don't know if this is relevant and/or helpful (please ignore me if it isn't!)but i have the following posted up next to my computer:

"A PhD is an exhausting, emotional struggle. You are forced to confront all of your fears, insecurities and doubts you have about yourself and some how overcome them. It’s terrifying. A lot of bravery is required, which often goes unrecognised and unrewarded.

Facing your own personalised set of fears (or ‘demons’ if you want to be dramatic) is where the feeling of isolation comes from – the fact that they are YOUR fears.

Be brave. You know what you have to do – you know the right thing to do. Good luck."

I find this helps me when things get ontop of me and i need solving problems. Hope that helps a little.

Am in my own pit of despair at the moment so can't offer any help I'm afraid as I can't see a way out either but wanted you to know for what little it helps you are not the only one with self-doubt and worries. What I would say is to tell your sups how you are feeling. I did this for the first time this week and they were very supportive and did all they could to make me know I could succeed. Unfortunately I just can't get over the confidence issues yet and I don't know where to go with the thesis despite being given some guidelines to help me. Hugs to ya x

Thank you so much for your replies. You are so right Sim! Indeed we play this game on our own. This is part of the problem. I really miss someone to share this emotional turmoil with. My partner does his best, but he is very career-oriented and seldom at home.
dazednconfused -hopefully I spelt it correctly! -I did speak to my new supervisor and he said that there is nothing to worry about, and that I am doing a good job. I would like to be able to share the same opinion! Rationally, I understand that I am being unreasonable, but emotionally...I need to have a bar of chocolate right now! A big hug to both of you.

corinne, i have taken up my self-doubts with my supervisor too, and she told me i was doing fine. well, sometimes i think, i'm sure she is the expert, i'll just believe her. but mostly i think, hmmm but she hardly reads what i send her and doesn't really know what i am doing so how could she know if i'm doing fine or not?
overall i think it does do me good to hear from her that i'm on track. but at times i feel what i need is someone to take my worries seriously, not someone to pat me on the shoulder and say "there, there". i think what would be best for my confidence would be someone to really critizise my work AND point out my strenghts. do you have someone who could do that for you? take a piece of your writing apart, critically find all weaknesses, but also the good bits?

Hi Shani. Well, yes indeed I recently asked another PG to look at one of my papers and she gave me very useful feedback. The majority of her suggestions were later confirmed by my supervisor, which means that she looked at my stuff with attention. However, I think that my problem is more related to being suddenly put under the 'spot-light' and feeling inadequate as a result. I am aware of my strong points, but also very aware of my weaknesses and as I am not anymore in my 20s I find it difficult to accept that I may underperform or struggle to complete a task, etc. Also, there are higher expectations from the people around you after you start to achieve some objectives, and this adds extra pressure. I will have to learn to cope with this, but in the meantime I feel that my negative state of mind is affecting my work already. I trust that it is due to the approaching deadlines for some work that I have to submit. Hopefully it will get better afterwards.

hm, yes, as sim said nicely, we've got our own demons which is why it's so lonely. but then, we do share the experience with some others out there
i find that deadlines are useful, because they make me finish up something even though i feel it is not finished yet, not good enough. so for me, they help me deal with the pressure of having to live up to expectations. i constantly feel like a fraud - i know that i make a confident impression on people and appear bright, but tend to feel i'm just pretending, myself. so every time i submit some work i worry irrationally that i will be found out for the fraud i am.

without deadlines, once the high expectations on you are there, it can be hard to let good be good enough. to get out of that - well i guess i'm not the best person to give advice! perhaps a conscious decision that you are working for yourself and not to live up to anyone's expectations? reclaim your project as YOUR project instead of something that should demonstrate that the expectations in you are legitimate? ah, easier said than done, i suppose...

I think I know what you mean. I'm really feeling pressure at the moment. With me it is because my work is part of a chain of industrial research, and if I don't meet my objectives it really messes up the industrial partners' research. I was told at the start that this project "cannot be allowed to fail". At the time I saw that as a challenge but now it's just terrifying.

Indeed you are right. I feel pretty much in the same situation. What seemed a challenge at the beginning is turning into fear of failure. Although I am in Humanities it is pretty competitive and as I am the first student who got an AHRC in years, the department has high expectations on me. Everyone seem pretty confident that I am going to write something outstanding, whilst I feel I am in the middle of the quicksand! Now I feel scared just to do a presentation to other PGs! I start to think that probably my mother was right. It would have been less problematic if I stayed home baking cakes!But I am not good at it either.

Yes, I keep having fantasies about moving to Vanatu or somewhere equally remote.

I keep telling myself that as long as I've tried my best with the resources available to me, then I have fulfilled my obligations. But I don't think my industrial partners see it that way - they just want results ASAP.

Try not to get too down: your award is a brilliant thing that no-one can ever take from you. I think in your case people expect a lot from you because you are clearly able to achieve a lot (even though you may be going through a temporary crisis of confidence).

Thanks Juno. It's really good to be able to share this. Your words are very kind and I certainly feel better now.We can only try to do our best after all, and I suppose that as I am at the beginning of year 2 it means that there will be other struggles like this in the future. I will have to learn to cope with this. I am sure that you will not need to book last minute flights to Vanatu, because the reason why you have been put in charge of this project is that you were the only person they thought capable of doing it.But I understand and share your feeling. Best of luck for your research and let me know how you get on.

You describe my situation exactly! I started the Masters a few years after finishing my undergrad and had to support myself financially. Like you, I was more concerned with the qualification than the mark and cared more about learning. I didn't get much out my undergrad degree, where I was concerned about marks, and I was determined to do it for the 'experience'. But because of that I actually did extremely well and got a high distinction and an award from the department. So now, whereas I used to be focused on research because I enjoyed it, I now feel so much pressure and expectation that I'm going to produce something amazing and fantastic and that, if I write something that is just 'ok', I'll let myself and everyone else down.

SixKitten we have a lot in common!Are you in 2nd year too? I was talking about this with one of my friends earlier on, and she thinks that it is a normal reaction and that I should learn to concentrate onto something else other then research. In a few words I should get some 'me' time, easier to say then to do.