I don't want to come across as a totally spoilt brat, but my parents have offered to support me through my PhD, if I don't get funding. In this economic climate there is not a lot of funding available in my field, I have decided that I want to stay where I am doing my MSc now as I love the department and it is very well suited to my research area. They don't know if they will be getting any funding yet but my prospective supervisor has said that I would have a strong chance of getting it if they did. Some of the staff members have told me that it's a shame that I'm thinking of going elsewhere when they have trained me, but that I have to go where the money is. But I know I would be so much better off where I am now, I would have excellent supervisors and I don't particularly want to leave for financial reasons.

I told my parents that I wanted to do it there, but that I would do it part time so that I could work to pay the fees and living expenses. Then they offered to support me totally so that I could do it full time, they knew I wanted to do it full time if possible but I really don't have a problem with doing it part time, they seem to have more of a problem with that than I do. It was a real surprise that they offered, we are comfortably off but they both work very hard, full time. I don't want to put them under any financial strain. If I were to do my PhD full time I would still work my Sunday shift where I am now, and try to get some work at the university, but that would probably be it.

I did question them a bit about it, but they assured me that they wanted to do it, that they couldn't think of anything more worthwhile to spend the money on. They know I have my heart set on doing a PhD and they are proud of me, but I still don't feel comfortable with taking their money for it. I have worked since I was 15 and although they help me out a bit with paying for my horse, I pay for everything else myself, I haven't had an allowance for years and I think it would be difficult to go back to that. A friend on my MSc course is totally supported by her parents and she says she feels guilty that the other students have to work and she doesn't..I told her that sometimes I am jealous of her being able to study whenever she wants but in a totally nice way, and that if I didn't have to work I really wouldn't...however I know that if my parents supported my PhD I would feel totally guilty, I feel bad even talking about it.

I just don't know what to think or do about this, and would be really grateful for some opinions. Thanks, Natassia xx

I am an international student so my expenses were about 4 times that of yours. My father made a similar offer to partially support.

I didnt take a penny and work to earn my rent, half the tuition and some food.

If you have no problems otherwise with taking money from your parents ( i had and have a problem with my dad on this matter) i would say take most, part or all of it.

The way I am doing it is not good for one's emotional or physical health. But my bloody tuition fees is 12k a yr, and London rent. You will proly be able to work 15 to 20 hrs a week and get some dept funding and take the rest from them.

======= Date Modified 03 Apr 2010 19:06:53 =======
Hey chick! This is a tough one. When you say 'support' you- do you mean tuition fees and rent and allowance etc? Personally I would just bear it in mind for now and keep pushing for the funding. You have a good first degree and will have a good MSc behind you, so if there is any funding going then you will be in a good position to get it. I know you are in a similar-ish field to me (I'm clinical psych, are you psych or sociology?) and I don't know a single person in our department who is self-funding, and there are over 70 PhD students in the department. So the funding is there (at least it is in psych, I'm not so sure about sociology) if you look long and hard enough! I think it's a case of persevering for a while. I would also keep quiet about the offer from your parents- you don't want people in the department making less effort to get funding for you if they think you don't need it! My parents funded my MSc for me, and whilst I was so so grateful it was hard having to turn to them for basically every penny I needed. Of course I said I could get a part-time job but they insisted on giving me the money as they didn't want me to work and compromise my MSc results. Still, it's nice to know that should you struggle then the offer is there. I hate taking money off my parents, but like yours, they insist on splashing it out on me sometimes and say that they wouldn't want to spend it on anything else and so on. So I would sit tight for a bit and keep pushing for funding for a while...if you're still struggling and haven't got anywhere in a few months then maybe re-assess the situation! But it is nice to have your own income and not be dependent on the parents all the time...either way it's good to know that you have options! Best, KB

hi Natassia
If your parents have offered, I think its wonderful, why don't you say yes thank you, and do your best and make them proud? Don't feel guilty; education to a child (no matter how old you are) is a gift and duty of a parent. Of course not every parent can afford it; but still you dont have to feel guilty taking help from your parents as long as you go all out for this phd :-) when you are financially better off, you can ask them to send you less money or stop :-)

If there is a way to allow you better concentration and focus on the phd, why dont you take it.
To always be a good daughter, just continue loving your parents and do whatever good deeds you can for them and for society.

love satchi

Hmm. I think this is a cultural thing Satchi. I think you and I possibly come from the same country where people consider this a parental duty...

I however think higher education as high as a PhD is not so much a 'duty' after all. Of course, it's nothing to feel guilty about, and it's a lovely gift if t can be offered and accepted happily. But financing a PhD is not a parental duty.

Just my 2 p.

Natassia, honey, agree with KB, dnt let anyone know that the money is there. Go all out to get funding now or later. Take what you cant from them. Wait and watch what happens for a bit.

I dont think you will need to take all of it from them :)

Thank you all for the replies, I'll try to respond to everything properly.

I guess I do have a bit of a problem with taking money from my parents sometimes. My brother is 19 and has never worked, he is in his first year at uni now but he doesn't seem to work very hard or have much motivation to make his own money. He is forever getting handouts from my parents to go out and get pissed and he needs to grow up now before its too late. I nag him to get a job but I know that if my parents start giving me handouts I will be in a similar position to him, although I will be spending mine more wisely! I know its a different situation but I don't like asking them for money. However I guess that if I had a set allowance that went into my account every month it wouldn't feel quite so bad, somehow.

Satchi - I think that my parents are thinking in a similar way, they really want to help me and it is lovely of them, but difficult to take nonetheless. They have never paid for my education before as I've always been at state/grammar schools so I guess now they know I'm totally serious about it they want to invest in my future.

Bug - when I was speaking to them I actually though of you, working so hard to pay for everything. I think you do so well and being the sort of person I am I would like to be able to do the same. But the job that I'm doing at the moment doesn't pay nearly enough, I am looking for something better. I would love to be able to pay for it all myself though, it must be so rewarding.

KB - I am actually in Psychosocial Studies, an emerging transdisciplinary area that is supposed to be at the interface between Psychology and Sociology, with influences from Philosophy. There are only a few universities in the country that have psychosocial departments so I have limited choice of where I can go, and funding is also limited although I am definitely going to go for it still. I live at home now and was going to move out after my MSc but I'd probably postpone that even further so they wouldn't be paying rent, but they would pay my tuition fees plus a small allowance. The departmental studentships are about £14000, they had three last year and it would be brilliant if they had some this year but nothing has been advertised yet.

Its useful that you and Bug both told me to keep it quiet about my parents offering to pay, I hope that my supervisors will be pleased that I want to stay and help me to secure some funding if there is any available. I think the first thing I need to do is tell them that I want to stay and do a formal application with their help, then we can think about money if they accept me. I'd much rather have funding than money from my parents, hopefully I'll end up getting by with a bit of both.

Thanks, Natassia x

Hi again! Definitely worth pursuing the departmental studentships- most people in my department are funded by departmental studentships which are usually £13,500 per year or so. I would try making enquiries to see if there are likely to be any this year, or perhaps ask your sup to find out- someone must know whether there are going to be any. Also look out for any scholarships that crop up- the scholarship I won was completely random- I had never heard of it and it was open to students doing any subject at any university in the country. We got an email about it and I wasn't holding out much hope but I threw an application in and couldn't believe it when I got lucky. So try to get a few irons in the fire, with your achievements I would be surprised if something didn't turn up for you! Good luck with it all! KB

Hi Natassia, I thnk you should take their help, if you need it. Like the others have said, don't tell the uni that you have this support. Go full-time if you can, then the 'pocket money' element will be kept to as short a period as possible. My dad helps me with my part-time fees and do hate that feeling of him paying for stuff for me, especially as we don't have a great relationship, but it's the only way I can do this, until I find better paid work.

A good friend of my once told me that parents love investing in their kids, that there is no greater feeling for them. I think she is right, and your parents can clearly see how dedicated you are and think it is worthwhile. People only offer things if they really want to give them.

======= Date Modified 04 Apr 2010 02:13:18 =======
Dear Natassia... It's very considerate of you to think about this thoroughly. It's the first sign that you are not being a spoilt brat at all in my opinion. I have never had parents' financial support in anything (not their fault, they just couldn't), and I kind of wish circumstances were different; because it would enable me to give my energy to better things. There is no harm in getting help if it is available and going to make your life a lot easer. No parent would want their kids to give up their dream if they can do anything to help. If I become a parent I'd do everything to support my kids. Maybe your parents know how it is to not being able to live a dream; or they just simply see the potential in you. Either way, you should let them do this for you. After all, they are not paying for you to have meaningless fun; this is for a good reason and it sounds like you guys are lucky to have each other (they have an intelligent daughter who has her heart set on doing something useful; you have parents who can address and acknowledge that). I think you should make the most of the offer without feeling guilty or indebted. Good luck with all... (up)

I would personally feel a bit uncomfortable taking so much financial support from my parents, as I wouldn't like the feeling of being their dependant again, especially now I've been supporting myself for several years, that wouldn't be great for my self-esteem, and would undermine the supposedly adult/more equal relationship I want to have with my parents now. So I agree you should keep trying to get whatever funding you can from other sources, or maybe even consider going part time and getting a job, and keep parental help as a last resort.

Still, I think you're very lucky to have such supportive and generous parents, and if you're really in need and they're truly happy to help you out, then maybe you should just go for it. Lots of people do get all kinds of financial help from their parents, whether it's paying for big elaborate weddings, or help in buying their first house etc, it's hardly an unusual thing. I guess you always have the option of going part time in the future if you decide it's really unbearable to be supported by parents, but hopefully it will all go well for you!

Natassia: I was in the exact same position as you last year. I did end up missing out on funding from my old University and from all the others I quickly applied to after that fell through and my parents offered to support me, which was horrendously gut-wrenching for me as I have a very strong independent streak. However, I got over it (after a few months) and accepted their offer because I wanted to do a PhD and had been unemployed for 8 months (I finished my MA dissertation in September 2008 - wrong fucking time to finish.) Anyhows, I cast around as much as I could for any opportunities at one University that had appeared particularly interested in me and ended up getting a subwardenship at a Hall of Residence. Not ideal, but it meant less parental support. On the first day I got to Uni the Head of Postgrad studies contacted me to tell me that one person had dropped out and, as a consequence, I would be receiving his fees only scholarship. Which was nice.

I know that this is entirely anecdotal, but, as my case would illustrate, there are more opportunities than simply full or self-funding. I also get to teach next year (yay!) and I know that the department has found research and office work in the Uni for other people who are a bit skint......although this seems to have dried up slightly recently.

Anyhow, that wasn't really advice, that was more my story. Hopefully you won't have to come to the decision about accepting parental help :-)

Thank you all for the replies, I really hope that some departmental studentships get advertised soon, unfortunately its quite a small department with only about 15 PhD students, which is great in terms of the supervision I would get, but not so good for funding. I'm glad though that I can be in a position where the department is more important to me than the funding. There is someone who leads the research side of the dept, she doesn't know me, so I'll email her to see if she thinks there will be any studentships going. My supervisor has said that I could have the money if it was there, but that the situation looked bleak, in his words.

I also feel a bit happier about my parents supporting, or hopefully only partially supporting my PhD. I never thought of other parents helping their kids buy houses or pay for weddings...I think I'd much rather have a PhD than an expensive wedding at the moment! I am so grateful to them for this, but I don't want to have to rely on them totally. They are so pleased that I want to do this, its really touching actually.
Thanks again, Nxx