Hi guys,

I have had this problem since the start of my PhD 1.5 years ago. I just find that I feel really uncomfortable and can't normally chat to other academics at say conferences and christmas parties.

Often they discuss grants and philosophical questions about our area of research. It's not that I don't understand what they are talking about, it's more that I feel like they know so much more, I have nothing useful to add.

I'm wondering if this is the sign that I'm just not smart enough or cut out for acedemia. I generally tend to hang out with other PhD students and postdocs or research assistants or admin staff(if I have a choice).

Does anyone else feel the same?? :(

Hi Oz,

Yes this sounds familiar. Generally I stand with my head pointing to the floor when in the company of academics! I used to feel really uncomfortable with this but now I don't care all that much - it can get awkward but sometimes you just don't click with certain people.

Try to think of your superiors as individuals rather than a collective group and see how it goes. You may be right. It could have something to do with feeling like those higher up the chain know more but try not to beat yourself up. You're building up your knowledge slowly but surely. Stick with those that make you feel good and I hope you find it gets that bit easier.

Hi Oz I still feel like this too. I know more experienced academics who feel this way also. Its just the way it is. Some of it is power games, some of it is personal confidence. It will get better though.

Drwhoknows is right, it will get better. Its a skill that you have to practice over many years.

I feel like that in any company - that's why I like using this forum. Much easier.

God yes! I absolutely dread going to any social gatherings in my department. I spend most of the day working myself up about it, then go only to find my worst fears confirmed! I usually end up standing in a corner with a drink, looking really uncomfortable and acting really awkward if anyone does approach me, at which point I say something ridiculous and irrelevant which I then beat myself up about for several days after!
Don't worry, you're not alone

I usually try and turn the topic around to something non-academic - they really hate that so it probably won't win you any popularity contests

But seriously have you noticed that they can't hold a conversation about something non-academic??? Even something as simple as the weather or something that was on the news, they get all uncomfortable... there's a way to turn the tables mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha (evil laugh)!!!

In summary, they're the weirdos not us They may be able to talk the talk but they have no social skills outside of their own comfort zone.

P.S. I understand it at a conference, but is this the way they are at Christmas parties aswell??? What a bunch of boring old gits, why would you want to be a part of that?!?!?

Although we don't even have a party in our department so I guess I can't talk about being boring

Oh at Christmas party dinner all they talked about was their high level research topics and grants. I think that their most social topic was about recent study on dangers of alcohol where they argued about sample size of the study and if the participants were randomly sampled. I mean come on!

I was hanging out with admin stuff most of the night and was afraid that they are all going to say "that's where she belongs, and not in academia".

I have also noticed that the more years a person spends in acedemia, the less "normal" they are (there are few exceptions of course).

I think one of the most simple tips for socialising/networking/making small talk in any forum is to ask someone about themselves. People like to talk about themselves ( EVERYONE, not just people in academia)and if you can ask them a question with some sincere interest, they will respond in kind, and voila, the struggle of making small talk just got easy. Maybe this second thought is more applicable to woman than to men, but giving someone a compliment--I like that jumper, its really festive, or that colour looks great on you, or whatever--is a good opener. And remember, make eye contact, smile, nod, stay engaged. Its no more difficult than that--even if you are in a crowd of people that are not the most socially skilled!

In my place of work I noticed that the manager was not very well up on current affairs in general (he was genuinely a very busy person) but at staff meetings he would always talk confidently on current affairs; it seemed to me that before (possible for a few days before) he deliberately listened to current affairs programmes on tv and radio or read the papers so that he could handle the situation and have conversation that was not work related. Another trick is to view a tv programme that features "human interest" stories and bring the conversation around to an interesting topic. If the academics let each topic you bring up drop when you are making the effort and they either cannot see this or are too backward to respond then Id just say
to myself, "I'll be damned if I'll let these social morons make me feel inadequate".

What universities do you all go to that are staffed by such weirdos. At the last staff party I went to, one of the historians old us about a book he wants to write on typologies of German Women (the 'solidly-built' ones were favourite), then he tried to organise a 'mind-broadening weekend to one of his 'special' clubs in London.
Another staff member was hideously drunk and talking about the sub-plots of Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives. Her friend was ranting on about the rights and wrongs of peep-toe shoes, someone was
discussing which members of staff have a reputation for liking bondage, which of the mad old women in the office you'd least like to shag (one of them always invites young men to the basement to show them things).
The most heated debate of the evening was how far, and in what style, you can swim whilst smoking a cigar.

Ask them who invented gravity.

In general I think peers are most comfortable with peers. Although I'm the same age - I don't really fit in with the senior staff - but I'm also out of sync with the younger postgrads. I often find myself most at home with the postdocs - but they come and go very rapidly.

I'm old enough to have friends who are senior academics at other institutions - but that just doesn't compute at all - they a re just my friends. So must all be in our minds - our own insecurity.