Hi all,

I am a first year phd student in astronomy - about 8 months in.
Being a scientist has been my childhood dream. But somehow I am just not as into it as I thought I would be. I came back to study after a few years in industry because I feel like I couldn't go through life without trying to be a scientist. It's so hard to live on a phd stipend whilst doing something no one really cares about. I think it is partly my topic - it's just not that interesting. But it's also me - I am not digging deep enough into it. I imagined I would be really passionate about my research and would not care about living near the poverty line - but the reality is that I miss having a normal salary.

I haven't done anything over the last 3 weeks. I have this nagging voice in my head telling me this phd is such a drag and none of it is interesting at all. However, quitting now would mean I waste a year of my life. Plus I have no idea what else to do. I feel like I am drifting and I have no idea what to do with my career. Even if I continue with my phd I wouldn't want to be an academic anyway (which would mean my phd would be pretty much useless career-wise).

Has anyone experienced the same feelings? What should I do?? (I know no one can tell me what to do, but I just feel so lost and depressed at the moment any suggestions would be welcome)

Heya

This probably won't be the most useful response, but hello. I'm about the same way in and I think I feel a similar way about it. It's like being stuck on an escalator where there's a multitude of exits but no idea which one to take, and if you don't get off in time you're stuck there. That's how it feels to me anyway. Have you felt like this for a while or is it just a blip?

I guess the only advice I can really give is don't worry if it feels like you've wasted a year. You won't have. Even if you quit, you'll still have tried and you'll have learnt what isn't right for you. One of the best things I read (can't remember where) was that you become a success by making good decisions, you make good decisions from experience, and you get experience by making bad decisions. We're still young. Maybe some people get it right first time but plenty screw up occasionally, you've just got to make sure that you learn from it.

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Hi there,

I think where you are now most of us have been at some point - heck, I'm still there sometimes - its the first year blues (you then get the 2nd, 3rd, completion blues lol). We all have times when we really couldn't give a flying monkeys about our research, but it passes. Ask any of the people here in completion and I think that most of them will tell you that they are at a point where they hate it with a passion, on the surface, but deep down they are driven on to do this thing.

I'm not one of the young ones lol, I'm 40, and one thing I've learnt is that there is nothing more painful, more difficult to live with than missed opportunites - heck I haven't stuck at a darned thing until now!!! I've let things go, let them pass me by and yes, I wouldn't be where I am now if I had stuck at it, but they've been difficult to live with. There is nothing harder to cope with when you look at yourself in the mirror or wake in the morning than 'what if'. The other thing I've learnt is that you never ever know what's coming, what's around the corner, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up lol - I'm not sure my future is in academia, I'd like it to be, but who knows? There are days I hate it with a passion and other days I get really excited. I'm not even a scientist - you are lol - my area of research will make no difference to anyone beyond possibly a handful of academics and that concerns me sometimes, i wonder why I'm bothering, but I'm not going to let it go!! People ask me what i'm going to do when I finish - I don't know... but what I do know is that through doing this I'll have developed a massive stash of transferable skills that will help me in the future, I'll also have the self believe, self confidence and the knowledge that I've done it, I've actually seen something the whole way through and that is worth so much to me (remind me of this next time I go on a downer lol)

We can't tell you what to do, some quit and are happier for it, others just plough through it, see it for what it is, and seeing the sheer elation and joy of people you get to know graduating and achieving their goal for me, personally, makes it all worthwhile - I want to feel that too :-) Whatever nothing is wasted, nothing can be, whatever you're doing your building you, your knowledge, your personality and that can never be a waste :-)

Stressed hits the nail on the head ... you will have days, weeks, f**k it, months where you hate your work and constantly ask yourself who the blazes is gonna make use of this! Everybody gets it.

From reading your post though, there are a few questions that you have to ask yourself soon. Is it a lack of money or desire in the topic that is holding you back? If it is the latter, I would personally say take a hit and get a job in industry. If its the former and you are still interested in what you are researching, that is just a fact you have to get used to. Most of us do this by taking up part-time roles and with the way funding is going, this will be the rule rather than the exception. You can somehow work on getting funds from somewhere, but if the drive is gone, that is harder to get back.

As for "waste of a year", I wouldn't worry. If anything, it would suggest to a potential employer that you are more suited to the 9-5. If you were another year/year and a half down the road, then it would be a worry. Why don't you just take a week or two off and just talk to good friends and family about your concerns. Just don't touch work. If it is a case of you wanting to continue, well take the break and enjoy it. Over the break, just decide of one output that you can do easily when you get back - a small report summarising YOUR own thoughts on your work (not a lit review) and start back slowly. You have to take your breaks where everything is left back in the office/lab.

The PhD is a long slog but there are upsides. Money ain't one but a bit of work freedom and the thought that you are imposing your ideas on your work are.

Thank you for all the encouraging and thoughtful comments.

Bonzo - I think it's my topic more than money that is making me sad.
I chose this topic because of the new instruments being built. However, I have come to realise I can't fit my phd into the timeline of new instruments. So I have started doing something related but not exactly. And my sup is basically forcing me to write a paper on his pet topic. I agree with you a phd should be about imposing my own ideas into my work but at the moment I feel like I am not doing that.

As for money, it's more the uncertainty around what to do after a phd that is bothering me. I am on a reasonable scholarship so I can scrap through for now. If I am really enjoying my work, then I don't think money would be such an issue. But it's just that I feel like phd is too much like work (ie. dread getting up to go to work each morning) that I am questioning why I am here. I could easily go back to my old job and be making a lot more money.

I still want to get a phd, but maybe just on something else. Something that I can feel really excited about and want to work day and night on. I just don't know what that could be and I feel like I am running out of time..