Hi guys,

I started my PhD today. I had a morning of induction events, and then met very briefly with my supervisor this afternoon. She's given me a bit of research to do for Monday, where we'll hopefully have a proper meeting. It all sound very positive... and yet right now I can't stop crying. Mainly, I think I'm feeling lonely. Having spent all morning with the other new postgrads, I felt like I really didn't belong there. I've come straight from undergrad at another University, and was definitely the only person there like that. I got chatting to one guy who was only one year above me (having done a Masters) but everyone else seemed to be a lot older than me. A lot of the students were international too, and when I asked, I seem to be the only person living alone. And single. On here too I've noticed how everyone seems to have a partner.

Long story short, I should be feeling really bouyed but actually feel horrifically upset. I don't feel like I belong here, and I feel very very alone. Did anybody else have this to begin with, or should I be taking this as a warning sign?

Hi ShinyPilot, sorry to hear about your induction experience. I don't think I have any advise to give except to let you know that I have a partner but I can say that I still feel alone with the PhD. So I really sympathise if you are feeling like this from the start. I didn't have the same experience as you but its very difficult to know how you will feel in a week's time or even a months time but maybe just to give yourself a few weeks to settle in and see how it goes. Sometimes you just know if it going to work out from the beginning. But if you are on campus most days it may be easier to give yourself time to see if you will find something in common with the other students.

Hi ShinyPilot, sorry to hear about your induction experience. I don't think I have any advise to give except to let you know that I have a partner but I can say that I still feel alone with the PhD. So I really sympathise if you are feeling like this from the start. I didn't have the same experience as you but its very difficult to know how you will feel in a week's time or even a months time but maybe just to give yourself a few weeks to settle in and see how it goes. Sometimes you just know if it going to work out from the beginning. But if you are on campus most days it may be easier to give yourself time to see if you will find something in common with the other students.

Hi ShinyPilot,
I had the same experience as you with all my year being international. It means that everyone can remember my plain English name as I struggle with theirs. :S One thing I've found, particularly in the last year, is that, with the exception of freshers, age really means very little. As such, I don't think there's the same gulf in experience that you get between an 18 year old and a 21 year old as with a 21 year old and a 24 (or older) year old. It all becomes kinda relative. In fact, I'm a subwarden at a Uni resdience and in the same flat as me is a 24 year old (1 year older than me) who's doing a foundation year and has never lived away from home before. So far he's asked me how to use a washing machine and displayed the cooking skills of a shaven chimp.

Also, if you don't feel like you'll make good friends on your course I would suggest getting involved in some uni society.

Hi Shinypilot,

I'm sorry to hear things were so great for you today. I started today too, and I'm feeling very similar to you. Like I shouldn't be there - like everyone else is better than me, and lonely too. I'm not living alone, but I rarely see my housemates, and I'm most definitely single. I don't think you should take it as a warning sign yet - more like a sign that you're in a new and strange environment, where everything seems quite strange, and into which it'll take you some time to settle. I think the key here (I speak as someone who has previously dropped out of a PhD) is to make sure you do't overload yourself with things, and that you try to take things at a speed which is right for you, as far as that's possible.

I'm not sure how you feel about your supervisor, but a lot of departments have a "pastoral" supervisor/tutor, whose job is to look after issues of a non-academic matter which students face. Perhaps you could drop them a short email explaining how you feel? I think a big problem is that, while lots of students probably feel like they, they all cover it up, naturally, and so everyon who feels like it thinks that they're the only one. I know that, right know, I feel daunted, alone, and like a fish out of water.

Do you have a supportive family who you can talk to about this? Or friends? Perhaps even some friends who are also starting PhDs?

I hope things get better for you, but remember to keep posting here if you ever need support.

Matt

Hey shiny

Sorry you had such a rough induction, it's always worse when you thought something would give you a boost isn't it? There's life just slapping you round the chops with a damp fish huh!
Are you feeling a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing perhaps? I think starting the PhD can be pretty intimidating, and when you don't immediately connect with the people you thought could be a support network, that's unnerving.

I promise you're not a PhD anomaly, everyone in my dept is sub-30, almost all single, and I myself skipped the masters (why feel bad about saving yourself a year and several grand in fees?). You should be proud of yourself to have come this far so much earlier than all the others! And I agree with the suggestion of looking into societies, uni is set-up to provide fast networks for students who've just uprooted from everything they know, you won't be alone for long :-)

Hi ShinyPilot

Yes, sorry to hear you're feeling so bad - it will get better! Taking on a PhD is a huge thing, and overwhelming, and if you're feeling alone, that just makes it worse. There's lots of people here who don't have partners, and as others have mentioned, people can still be lonely when they do have a partner. I have a partner, but essentially all my friends have deserted me since I've started writing up!! It's like I've fallen off the edge of the planet - not a word from them in months! But that's OK.

But we're not talking about me. I think Slizor's right, age isn't such a big thing when you're doing a PhD - altho I'm one of those older students. But we all get on OK, and the youngsters and the oldies still go out and have coffee etc etc - we're all going thru the same thing, so we have stuff in common. There's also a lot of international students where I am, and they all tend to stick together, which is understandable. But yeh, join some uni societies, go to seminars, and joing in other activities outside uni. You'll make friends, adn get into the swing of studying. It sounds like it's all a bit of a shock at the moment. Keep going.

And a poster here has an online blog which is really helpful, so have a look at this too: http://www.phddepression.com/

Look after yourself!

I'm single and I live alone! PhD is very different to undergrad, it's isolating and nothing like as sociable - you have to make a real effort to keep social contact in your life, so I can understand why you might feel lonely. But there are advantages to being single and living alone - we are completely free, and there's no one to nag us if we forget the house work or change plans at the last minute, when we're lost in our research - I often wonder how I'd cope if I had a partner. As others have said, you will find common ground with the other students, no matter what their age, and you can get involved in other uni activities to meet people nearer your own age. There must be hundreds, if not thousands, of third year and Masters students who are more or less the same age as you swilling about the place. Join some societies and see how it goes.

Hi ShinyPilot,

Its good to see you saying your feeling a bit more positive about it already. I also started my PhD and I was very apprehensive about meeting everyone on my project, I had no idea what it would be like. I also went straight to doing a PhD from Undergrad and think I am the only person on my project who has done so. I do kind of understand what you say about feeling not belonging there, that's going to be your natural reaction if you had a bit of a tough first day. But you have to keep telling yourself, if you feel that way, that there is a reason you have gone straight from undergrad, you obviously had very good references and a lot of people believe you are going to be really good at this. It is hard when you don't know anyone and I myself am quite shy meeting new people but for the first couple of weeks you just have to pretend your not and just chat to anyone! As someone else on here said though this seems like a really good place to share your feelings and get advice and reaction from people who are going or have been through similar things. You are definatley not the first person to feel this way after day one I am sure! I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

Hello there!

Yes I felt the same as you a year ago. I expected something would be made of my joining as PHD, but induction was not inspiring, they cared more about telling you you need to complete on time. Other PHD students seem wierd to me and yeah feelings of not belonging etc...

All I would say is this is a huge opportunity and it is worth making the investment in yourself. Just keep telling yourself that this is totally for you and nobody else. PHD is a selfish thing, I mean after all it is indulgent to read about something which interests you etc...But this is not a bad thing at all. If we don't invest in ourselves how can we invest in others after all...

Try to do familiar things, and keep in touch with people which you know well and care about. Take time to see friends you are close to, even if its for a couple of days and use the phone to keep in touch too! Don't become isolated! Ivory towers bad bad!

Over time go to conferences and you will meet other students who are like you, I met one or two in the last year and have started to make friends this way. It is long distance but PHD is very different to undergrad and the transition is a shock - I did an MA in between and I think this prepared me for what was to come, my course was 4 people...

So yes, talk about your feelings too. Try to take them outside the department because then you need fear noone overhearing - the academic community is very small and they all know each other! Offloading is totally necessary and I think its good to say exactly how you feel, esp if the situation is making you feel like crying.

Finally think about joining a sport or a class or social group in the city you are in. These might not be PHD students and they will offer a new option!