Hi
I am starting my phd next month but I just feel so stupid all the time. I feel like my supervisor who I admire so much regrets choosing me to work with and I’m sure she would love to work with someone else much more. In fact I’m sure if someone else comes along she would ditch me for them which would make me so sad.
I feel like I always say the wrong things and do the wrong things and that everyone hates me and I feel invisible. I never get chosen for anything like scholarships because I’m so stupid I guess.
I wish I never agreed to this phd.

Dear waitinggame

I believe you should strongly work on your self-confidence. Pursuing your education to the PhD level reveals although you are not stupid, you are smart enough to do post-graduate education. I would discuss this matter with a knowledgeable person in this area, a wellbeing office in your university or a psychologist who could help you.

Hi waitinggame,

Why are you worrying so much when you haven't even started yet? A PhD is three years for a reason and most students feel the same as you when they start their PhD. So please don't feel like an impostor because it sounds like you are setting yourself impossible standards before you have even started. I would consider looking at your PhD student handbook (it should be online) and look at what you are expected to do in the first three years. Probably in the next 3-6 months all what is expected of you is to have research plan and maybe a small literature review. If you can do that, you are completely fine and not stupid.

Hi Waitinggame,

I can really relate to how you are feeling. Before I started my PhD I met some people in academia and I felt as though I was not intelligent enough and that I was not well-spoken enough to be in this industry. I even contemplated just going and getting a job in something completely unrelated just to get away from it all. I was suffering really badly with low self-esteem which I know now stems from having a negative mindset, which is essentially just a bad habit of thinking negativily. And then I thought maybe I needed to have this high level of confidence to do the PhD in the first place. But from reading all the comments on here and looking into self-help books and practices I have found that confidence can come from having a positive mindset and how we get this is by practicing good thoughts rather than bad ones and breaking the bad habit.
Easier said than done, but the practice is key! And I am a lot better now than when I started. Although still struggling hugely with motivation at times like right now being on this forum instead of working! :-)
Get yourself some counseling from your university (if it's available) or if you want to start somewhere less intense go to a book shop and get a self-help book. There are loads out there, I won't recommend any to you because I feel you need to find them yourself because you are the only one that knows what's best for you.
Hope that helps in some way, best of luck with eveything!