Hi- I am bipolar and in my second year of a PhD program in biology. I've known that I wanted to do scientific research and get a PhD since I was 14 years old. It took my 8 years to get my bachelors degree. My debilitating depression would last several months or years and I had to take time off as I got treatment. I would get better and go back to school, some semesters part time. I went back when I could and I didn't give up. I applied for PhD programs at the end and wasn't accepted. So I decided to get a master's and reapply. After 2 years I was accepted into a program that I really love and started fall of 2014. The first year was so difficult and the depression was returning, albeit milder. So I squeaked by with mostly B's but denied myself treatment at first. I was missing classes and my productivity was suffering. I was in my last lab rotation and wasn’t accomplishing much. I knew it looked awful and like I was lazy or just didn't care. But I wanted that to be my lab for my dissertation. So I started working with my doctor again with medication changes and talked to the PI and a department head. They were both wonderful and the PI decided to take me on as his new grad student.I took the summer off last year to recover and I returned for the fall semester. Obviously, I was behind others in my cohort, but I kept going. But the depression came back. I again tried to hide it, but my absences and lack of productivity were problematic. After a few months of this, I got myself to seek treatment again and to tell my PI. I felt awful- he had given me so many chances and I felt like I had no right to expect more leniency.
(I'm out of words, so I will continue in the next post.)

He was so supportive AGAIN, but the guilt was constant, as is typical during depression. I haven't gotten much lab work done in months, I was just trying to get through my coursework and TA duties with the little energy that I had. I have been seeing a new therapist and we've been adjusting my meds again. And then last week my PI sent me an email that implied I should leave the program because there was no way I could get my degree in a "reasonable" amount of time and he couldn't pay me this summer. I was caught of guard in a way. I thought this summer was my chance to get back on track without classes and TAing. There are other circumstances out of my control. The lab is losing some NIH funding and my PI is applying for several grants. There is only one other grad student in the lab and there’s only so much 2 trainees can do, especially with one like me. It's bad, so I understand that he is stressed out and needs productive students that can get data quickly. But that email was devastating. If I have to leave, I’m not going to overcome it. But I sat down with him the next day anyway and told him I wasn't done. I have more to give. Yes, I am really behind others and I'm still trying to get through this episode of depression. But I'm not done. I convinced him to let me stay through the summer, unpaid, and do as much as I could. I told him if it still wasn't enough, then he could ask me to leave. He is blatantly skeptical. I understand the predicament he's in I really do. Ultimately it's his lab and he needs to do what is best for it. But I don't want to leave. And it just doesn't feel fair. I've worked so hard to get to this point. I apologize for the length of this. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this and I'm not sure what my option are, or if I have any. I'm still not functioning at my very best, but I've been seeking treatment and have been very open with him about everything. If anyone has advice I would greatly appreciate it.

I had something similar happen to me. I was on a fully funded PhD but became ill and stopped working. I lost my funding as a result and had to get a part-time job to eat and pay rent. I was still registered as a student on the PhD and still notionally working on it, but wasn't making any progress because I was convinced that all the work I had done was crap and needed redoing. Now that I am better I can see that I wasn't thinking creatively and my intelligence-levels and thought-processes were definitely severely impaired when I was ill.

I ended up taking a leave of absence from the PhD to get better, and then returned after 9 months. I'm now working as a full time teaching-focused academic (I've been *very* lucky in the job I was able to secure which is in a different department to my PhD) while finishing my PhD in the evenings and at weekends.

Honestly, it's the hardest thing I suspect I'll ever do. I will finally submit my thesis 6 years after my initial start date this September (in the UK you are only supposed to have 4 years, but I had 9 months off and 15 months of extension).

But, for me, the motivation is that, if I put myself through hell for the next 5 months, I'll be in a position to continue as an academic beyond the end of my current contract. I'll have the PhD and teaching experience and, hopefully, have a pretty competitive CV.

If I didn't love my job, I would not still be doing the PhD. I needed to take time out to realise that.

So, I guess my only advice to you, is to look carefully at why you are doing this PhD? Do you want to be an academic in the future? If not, then I suggest looking for something else.

Thank you so much for your response, It means so much to me to talk to someone who has been in my position. You overcame so much and now you'll be submitting your thesis! Congratulations! Your degree was hard-earned and I'm sure you're very proud of your work.

I don't want to go into academia (teaching is not for me!). I've always wanted to work for a hospital- affiliated lab or government research. I see what you mean that I don't necessarily need a PhD to move forward in something other than academia. I do very much want the degree though and just the experience of immersing myself in a project that is basic science feels like something I need to build myself up. I understand my limitations now and I don't know when I'll get better. I just don't want to jeopardize my position, but I'm not enough for my PI at the moment. I want to find a way to stay in the program, even if it means having to go to another lab that might have the resources to be more patient with me. I don't even know if that's an option and I'm afraid to ask. Plus it's not ideal and will take even more time. I know there is likely not an answer to my questions. But it feels good to just talk to someone who truly understands.

Well, it sounds to me like you have a good reason for wanting to do a PhD (even if that reason isn't academia).

If I were you, I think I would try to highlight with your PI that although you may be taking resources/space and may take longer than a student who isn't experiencing problems with their mental health you are committed to the program and to doing high quality research.

Try to focus on what you can bring to your PI rather than what you are taking. Are you working on a project that is likely to lead to high quality publications? Are you good at writing? What makes you a strong PhD student who is going to create a high quality output?

One other suggestion - a friend of mine also has mental health problems and is doing a doctorate. Her supervisor is not great at dealing with her issues on a pastoral level, but he's brilliant academically. She still wanted to work with him, but needed extra support from a pastoral side. So, she found a new supervisor to join her supervisory team who knows nothing about the content of the work, but is experienced in working with students with mental health problems. This means that when she is in mental distress she can talk to the other supervisor and he basically handles the primary supervisor on her behalf. Not sure if that made sense, but perhaps an arrangement like that would be an option?

I'm afraid I don't really know enough about the American system (assuming you are in the US) to comment on precise options - if you were in the UK I'd suggest offering to go part-time and work in a supermarket or something to give you extra 'years' to complete while under less pressure to be achieving things day in day out.

But if you are genuinely passionate and interested in doing the PhD, then I would think there is a way to make it work somehow.