Hello,

I have posted alot here and hope you arenot get furious from me, but I am struggling indeed and sometimes depression and anxiety attack me frequently, I tried to commit suicide, I cannot sleep nights.

I have heard to the advice given by you, dont look for positions, I do, and I get bored from rejections and professor although I have a permanent job in my home country as teaching assistant, but I take a sabbatical leave as I didnot learn something, awful vibes and environment.

On top of that, I had mental disorders because of my mother death when I was 18, and then my grandama who left me unstable person and the marriage of my father, all these actions made me unstable, thats why I have escaped to fulfil my dreams, but it turned out to be a nightmare.

I am working as RA in a lab now, and they deal with me in very discriminative way, assigned tasks out of my experience, they dont even know, dull environment.

I applied to industry and got rejected because I was overqualified, I tried to optimistic and accept the idea to leave my job from my home country because of the I dont want to remember these bad memories, and switch completely to industry, but it seems hard as well.


I dont know guys, I am thinking loud with you, I dont know what I should do, I cannot endure to be in something, I dont feel happy with it and in the same time there isno alternative. I would like to know what would you recommend me to do, I do like volunatry work and now I am co-organizing a workshop in top conference, but this something temporary.

I am sorry, if I cannot express very well my ideas, but I am trying to find a solution, why I am in the life? I did like teaching students and they liked me so much, but the other parts of administrative work, I didnot liked.

Call a helpline or talk with a counselor. Your mental health is important and talking with someone is the first best step. Voicing your problems aloud helps the recovery process. I cannot stress enough enough - talk with a professional about this. Everyone on this forum wants you to succeed.

On another note, you have a job as an RA, volunteering and organising a workshop at a top conference. You are not in a bad position at all. The RA role may be below your skills but it is a job that can go on a CV. The workshop will also let you make some good contacts and potentially find a better job. Forget about everything back home or in the past and only look forward, you can do it. Everyone has set backs but it is getting up from them is the key to life. You have had a lot of set backs but don't let them hold you back and think about the future and be positive.

It hurts me rewt when I see my lab members get their PHD and I was forced to leave, am I stupid and low esteem! I think what is happening to me isnot normal, my life is strange, I really see myself cursed with a bad luck. Where am I going? My social life also strange, when I was 23 I got diagnosed with tumour and was supposed to marry and get pregnant, but it didnot happen and I am still live with that disease, why me. I know this off-topic, but I am lost with those all bunches to my face, I was a top student in my class and hardworker always, and passionate and ambitious, but why this happening, am I asking myself what is the problem, why I was forced to leave although the grants and good feedback I got, while my colleagues defended successfully, I dont see any light, it is a big failure and waste of time. I am sorry, but I am crying like a crazy, I am trying to figure out what is the problem in me as a human being, I am afraid to bring bad luck to my family thats why I am thinking the best thing I can do get rid of myself, no one would help, no therapy would help, it is a deadblock.

Don't let them win. You said it yourself, you have had a lot bad luck but that doesn't mean the bad luck will continue. You are admitting that you need help, which is the first step. Have you told anyone else? Don't let this bottle up inside you and please talk with someone. We can all understand why you are hurting, it must be so hard, we will listen and give as much help as possible. So please talk with someone.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

monkia,
You said in your post "no therapy would help" but this makes no sense.
Without therapy, you are repeatedly talking about suicide.
With therapy there is a chance it won't work but worst case you remain in your current state of mind. If therapy works, you have a chance of recovery. There's absolutely no risk to taking therapy and a whole heap of trouble if you don't.
Seems like a no brainer to me.
None of us can force you to go and get help but equally none of us can help you with your problems unless you do so.
If you had a broken leg you would seek help.

Please get some medical help urgently. That's the single most important thing to do.

Please get some help! PhD can wait! Get some help and get it asap! There is nothing more important than yourself!