======= Date Modified 15 14 2009 05:14:30 =======
======= Date Modified 15 11 2009 05:11:41 =======
My PhD defence is in two weeks so the story will most likely have a happy ending, but I somehow don't feel good about it. After spending 4 years in the lab  I feel like I have lost ALL of my self confidence.
My supervisor has taken me on as a PhD student having no idea about the project. She was specializing in a completely different area and I who had more background than her decided to go for it.
I've done a lot of work, with absolutely no guidance from her. I designed experiments, methods etc. pretty much started from scratch. Through 4 years of work I have received no credit for what I was doing. On the contrary I've always felt like she never trusted me, and needed to consult other people about my ideas, especially her technicians. And that was the worst part, when she would come up with ideas drawn from technicians about my work. I knew exactly what to do and didn't really need her advise, yet had to follow "her  ideas" and do things that at times didn't make sense. The project turned out to be really good, and the results will most likely be published in a high impact journal, but I have not heard a good word. I swallowed my pride and did everything as told. Now I am a post-doc in a different university waiting for my defence day.
Since I am quite long ways from the original university I've asked if she could contribute to my travel expenses, and got turned down on it. The story wouldn't be so upsetting to me if it wasn't for the fact that 2 years ago her other (M.Sc) student was in the same situation and was fully reimbursed for his travel.
I am sure she thinks I don't know about it but I do. How should I approach her?
I have done A LOT more work than the other student did and feel really discriminated. I have done nothing that could upset her (at least according to me) throughout the 4 years of my presence in her lab. There is no way I could have an honest conversation about it with her, as she is a very politically correct person and never ever says things straight into your face. If she want' s to do something she would rather do it behind your back and let you discover it yourself after some time.

It's has been a really hard 4 years of my life, and I wouldn't want to repeat it. PhD is not only about work but mostly about commitment, once you get into it you're stuck, and can't get out unless you're willing to put few years down the drain.
For those who are thinking about a PhD, please make sure you are doing it with the right person/supervisor and that you are really committed to do it. Otherwise you'll regret it and it will be a waste of you precious time.
I'm tired, and don't feel any satisfaction.

I'm sorry your confidence is low. It's come up in this forum before but I think it's quite usual to feel like you've been slightly 'deconstructed' or I suppose 'exposed' during a PhD and that for lots of people can be a knock to confidence. I know I've felt like that a lot over the last 4 years.

From what you say, it doesn't seem like you're worried about getting through the viva process but I can't see that alienating your supervisor before then is going to help anything. I think you should refrain from venting your spleen (even after the viva), move on from this and use your PhD experiences - both good and bad - to move forwards in your career. After all, you've already moved on into a post-doc position so my advice would be to rise about it and concentrate energy into new things.

As for the travel expenses, I wouldn't take this as a sign of favouritism: department budgets and outgoings change. I know that my college is more financially constrained each year, and where there are sometimes funds available, other times there aren't... getting hold of them is a combination of luck and timing. It would have been nice to have your travel paid, but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to fund this yourself.

So concentrate on doing an excellent viva and move on...

Hope it goes really well!

hi bettyspaghetti
I find your post very helpful :-)

Hi Satchi,

Thanks... I'm glad it's helpful (I've just noticed a few typos though!)