Hello, I hope someone can advise...I've been finding aspects of this phd really stressful and as such have found writing to be slow going in my first year. No problem aside from time constraints and constantly being told by my supervisors just how much they are looking forward to reading my literature write-up...

Only, it's been a bad year, I'm stressed out, I've been to three conferences to speak recently, all ok, but in paris a couple of weeks ago, I think I had a breakdown. My marriage has been under massive stress for a while, mostly due to study and because we've not looked after each other. We've talked and are trying to make things better, but in the midst of all this, a dear friend was knocked off his motorbike and killed. I am unable to process this reality.

I cracked yesterday after yet another day staring at the walls and losing hours of time and so I went to the docs. She is recommending a referral to the crackpot team (no offence but I had a brush with therapy 10 years ago and so am defensively droll about it). She has recommended also that I have a doctors note for time off if needed and to give a brief overview to my supervisors to put off the writing deadline of mid next month.

So it all feels a little messy and I have no idea how to write that email. No matter how nutty I've felt, it's always been kept separate from professional commitments and so this feels difficult/wrong, even though it's right. How do I approach this?

Hi there - I'm so sorry you're going through such a bad time right now. PhDs are hard enough as it is, without the additional pressures you've had to handle. It sounds like you're trying to keep your suffering as separate as possible to your work, which is admirable, but there comes a point when you can only go so far and if you go beyond that point your work will suffer too. I think the GP is right to recommend time off, and when all said and done, supervisors are human too. In the long run, they need to get you through your PhD, and would much prefer you to write something good when you are more stable rather than plough through in crisis and risk failure/referral.

With regard to therapy, it soudns like you didn't have a positive time of it before. I can firmly say that things have changed dramatically in the last 10 years (I work in mental health research), and approaches are much more patient centred than they were.I don't know if you could afford to go privately, but if so, this is a very useful website which lists counsellors and therapists by area ** http://www.bacp.co.uk/ ** you can filter them by speciality too.

With regard to your marriage, I think you answered that yourself in your post - that you've not been looking after each other. How far did you get when you talked? That is something that is easily remedied by chaning your way of thinking. It's so important to keep talking and I think you need each other more than ever in light of your recent bereavement.

Finally, you need to approach your supervisors with regard to taking time out. I don't think you should do this in an email, but try to see them personally if you can, you'll be able to talk more freely. Do you have a director of research ? Sometimes they are best people to see with regard to things like this as they are not as close to your actual work but are responsible for your welfare as you progress through the PhD. Perhaps it is worth seeing them?

Overall, and academic worth their salt will have seen these kind of difficulties before and would rather have a student who takes time out to return more prepared, rather than have them muddling through while distressed. Good luck, and remember you can always talk to us on the forum

Oh, dear, a hug from me. You are having a very haard time- too many bad things happening in your life at once, no wonder you feel as you feel. How about looking for some support- some counselling, individual or in a group, your university might offer one, or if you can pay, there are private cousellours. Some support groups? Maybe counselling for you and your partner? Of course, as krokodile suggested, taking some time out to relax, to be nice to yourself will help as well. If you have a good relationship with your supervisor, tell hims or her about difficulties you are having. But most important thing- take care about yourself and remember that you are your wellbing are the most important things and the upmost priority!

Thanks for the very kind and considered replies, much appreciated. I hope my DOS would be understanding, well I'm sure he would it's just hard to broach, I'm a private person and although he's the DOS, he's also rather involved in the work with the other supervisor, that makes it hard as he is quite expectant. Managing the threesome relationship is a whole other post.

The previous therapy was good, very targeted at that point for a serious eating disorder. However, it was a long road and after months of baring soul, I got bored of myself and opening up again seems onerous I suppose. But there has to be something better that this. I can't afford to go private however, I nearly fell off my chair when the doc said there were adult services and they were actually quite responsive, so we'll see, I'm willing to be assessed.

kronkodile we talked in the sense of stopping things degenerating any further, it had got to the point of a permanent split. We've been together for 11 years, and both know there's a big deal to be saved. The undergraduate degree was hard and going straight to further studies is difficult for us both though he is very supportive. I just hope it stays that way and improves, it means being honest and when you're trying to keep your head together, it's hard to be open for fear of falling apart, again.

verdy I would love to be able to talk face-to-face with my DOS, I'm frightened of doing so and crying which would be a bummer. I guess I'm all for the professional face. It's just not working right now. Has anyone else had such a personal conversation with their supervisor? How do you approach it?

MSCrow: I had a personal conversation with my supervisor when I had real personal difficulties, including severe depression. first time it happened so that i could not control myself and started to cry in his presence. I simply told that I have not been able to work because of what has happened to me, that I am very depressed. He was very undestanding and even pushed me to take time out to recover- I wanted to play a hero and keep working:)) He also arranged with graduate education commitee that they allow me to submit my 1st year report later.... So, try to speak to your DOS, in any case you have nothing to lose....you cant work anyway...

Hello verdy, it sounds like you had a positive experience with your DOS, that's good, are things better now and did you find it helpful to the progress of your study by breaking off a little?

I'm trying to word an email, I have no idea what to put. Critique welcome....'Dear xxxx, I hope you are well and rested. I'm not sure if we need a meeting. I have some issues affecting personal and study related progress at the moment; it's been suggsted that I talk to you about it. I'm not sure if you would prefer an email or I'm happy to come in. Yours xxxx

Hi there :o) Sorry to hear about your dreadful amounts of stress - sending big virtual hugs :o) Please don't be afraid to talk to your supervisor or head of postrgraduate studies in person. My supervisor is also head of postgrad studies, and I can say that he's well aware of the stressed that PhDs put on a person, never mind when external events occur to make it even worse. Two of my friends went to him having had nervous breakdowns, and he was fantastic - giving them the amount of time they needed to recover - both came back to their studies after the time off. Don't be afraid to show emotion, everyone is human and supervisors understand that - they're used to students blubbing all over them!

…I'd say, get a doctors note, and take as much time off as you need to start feeling positive again. My friend had 6 months off before she was starting to feel human again. If you really can't face seeing your supervisor, write him/her an honest email - tell them what you've told us - or go via your 'pastoral tutor' (we have one who is separate from supervisors who deals with personal problems we don't want to explain to supervisors). Don't try and hide it from them, it's nothing to be embarassed about. Then take time out and spend it with your partner, with family, and with anyone who will make you feel better about yourself. For my friend it was her family and friends that helped her out of her depression... and an awful lot of running!!! Good luck

MsCrow: thank you for asking, yes, after a complete three month long break and additional three months on half-working mode, I recovered and trying to finish my PhD within 3years and 3 months now.Relaxing and having a break definitely helped. If I would have continued to work I would have had a terrible breakdown, for sure. So, please, please, take care about yourself.

About your email: How about just writing that you would like to meet your DOS for a supervision (or how you call meeting with him/her) where you want to discuss difficulties you currently are experiencing and potential solutions. Leave more details for the meeting. I dont think that describing your problems via email, even if your DOS prefers that would be very good for you. Imagine, you write him/her and you dont see what was his/her reaction, cant ask questions etc. Keep my fingers crossed!!!!

Big hug to you. You've been very brave sharing it all on here and are taking the right steps seeing your GP. How about sending an email to your supers, but keeping everything brief literally "I have suffered a recent breavement and things are difficult at home and with my partner." Just be to the point and ask if you can have a quick meeting FTF to discuss time off etc

Hello again, you've all been lovely, thanks for your time. Verdy I'm glad you took the time and it clearly has paid off in nurturing your studies also, you did a brave thing. It's taken me far longer! I hope you don't mind but I used your idea for the email and have sent it, I'll ring the admin office and check he's not on holiday otherwise I may need to see the head of department who is fortunately very sweet to me anyway.