I've just started the 3rd year of my 4 year PhD, and I had to take a couple of months off for an illness recently. I've never had an issue with my supervisor before, but since I returned to work she has been unwelcoming and not supportive, and it almost feels like I'm being punished for being ill. I've been shouted at and told I'm not going to finish my work on time despite being given extra time to account for the time I took off. Every meeting in the first few weeks after getting back ended with me in tears, and I have become more anxious than I have ever been. Our meetings have improved in the last week or so, but it still feels like a bad work environment and I'm struggling with it.

When I've tried talking to my supervisor about stress and anxiety she basically says that everyone is stressed, she's stressed and she's still working. This makes me feel like I can't confide in her about how I'm feeling, and I feel physically awful right now and I'm really struggling to motivate myself to go into work or even to work at home. I feel anxious about going in and sometimes even worse when I'm there. I've been seeing the university counsellor, but it hasn't helped much and they only provide a limited number of sessions.

At the moment I feel on the verge of leaving as I can't see how to make the situation better. I have been passionate about my research topic up until now, but I'm finding it hard to get myself back into it. When I try and think of it from the outside I don't want to give up on my work and I want to finish what I started, but I really want things to go back to normal and be happy at work again. Any advice would be really appreciated.

Hi Gigi, Sorry to hear about this. It sounds like terrible treatment and is no wonder you have been feeling so bad. One thing came to mind when I was reading this. Is there an academic you trust and could talk to confidentially? It might be helpful to get some advice and leadership from someone in the department perhaps. They may have suggestions that could help, eg getting another supervisor on board or attending meetings with you so that this sort of abuse cannot happen, or maybe something more drastic like changing supervisors completely (even at this late stage this is what I personally would do...). Know that you are not alone. Please try find someone who may be able to assist rather than quitting - as you are quite near the end by the sounds of it, and why should you have to quit because of someone else's unprofessional and bullying behaviour. All the best and hope this is a tiny bit helpful. Tudor

Hi, GiGi,

So sorry to hear you had to cope with this when you just came back from sick leave.

I agree with Tudor_Queen that you should speak to an experienced and trusted academic about this. Do you have a second supervisor or postgrad coordinator you can talk to? If not, do you have someone who can be a mentor and help you? Do you also have a students union who may have someone who knows the postgrad academic system in your uni?

I know you are at the verge of leaving. But, are you far off from finishing the minimum experiments required to start writing up your PhD? If you are near, can you quickly finish and go? If you are far and cannot take it anymore, could you either write up as master or look at changing PhD supervisor rather than quit completely?

Bullying is not acceptable, even if your supervisor is considered the top of her field. Unfortunately, it is also very common. When I had issues previously, I consulted with the students union and postgrad coordinator to understand the postgrad system and how best I could move forward with whatever little I had. I also got myself a mentor whom I chat with about my results and gave me encouragement when my supervisors were seriously damaging me. I finished my PhD, despite being burnt so badly. I would have preferred to change supervisors but my uni system plus me being in late candidature did not allow this. I hope this encourages you. Yeah, so as Tudor_Queen said, you are not alone.

Have a think about this deeply and make the right decision for you. Whatever your decision is, know that it is yours and no one has the right to criticise you whether you want to stay or not. No one knows you better than you. All the best.

Mental health is getting quite a lot of publicity right now and probably not before time. The problem is that outside the small sphere of people sympathetic to the mental health problems of others is a vast, and I do believe it is overwhelmingly vast, silent mass of people who think this is all snowflake millenial bullshit and that people are jumping on the bandwagon.

To be honest I really don't know what the solution to that is.

My suggestion here is really about considering what you can control yourself. I believe that every single person has moments in their lives when they go off the rails mentally and that we have a culture of mass denial about it. In my experience it comes down to a feeling of lack of control over your life and a feeling of worthlessness and pointlessness about everything. I think this is down to people living a lifestyle which is not compatible with who they really are. It might therefore help you if you get some quiet time and ask yourself who you really are and what your life would look like in an ideal world. In my case, the PhD taught me that I pathogically hate working alongside other people. I therefore run my own business now with no intention of ever hiring staff. That means I have to accept that I am trading away the possibility of higher earnings in order to get my freedom. It might help you to go through a similar process.

Hi, GiGi,

Since you know that you can finish the minimum experiments by next year, can you do a thorough listing of the experiments and tick them off quickly till you finish and get out of the lab. Then write up your thesis. Talk to your trusted academic and students union from time to time to make sure you are on the right track.

Do you think you will have enough strength to pull through the last mile? You are not far, and should be able to pull through with enough resolution. It is very hard, but not impossible.

Hi GiGi, what you are describing sounds like a really difficult and distressing experience-and given you have been quite ill and had leave for this- you would be more vulnerable to your supervisor's mood swings and her recent harsh behaviour towards you.

I thought your last post, where you were looking at finding a way to work through this and exploring different options and suggestions provided by other forumites was terrific! How strong you are in doing this-good for you!

I hope you don't mind if I ask a question-I'm curious in that I think you have said that this behaviour and relationship issues between you and your supervisor have only occurred recently-and prior to your illness, in the last 2-3 years things between you were pretty good? Have I interpreted this correctly?

Could it be that your supervisor is also going through some hellish experience (nothing to do with you), something like a divorce or relationship or work issue, that is causing her to behave in this stressed out, unprofessional and unsupportive way? Perhaps right at this point in time where you are recovering from an illness and are stressed and exhausted, she is also going through something very stressful and difficult and this is influencing how she interacts with you.

My perspective would be that you still need to look after you. Follow up on the different options, keep talking to helpful academics, support staff or student counsellors to help you through. However, perhaps time will also assist with this issue-if indeed it is unusual or out of character for your supervisor to treat you this way and this has not been a feature of your relationship prior to recent times. (PS: I am not saying that her behaviour is acceptable or fair in any way or that it would be in any way easy to ignore).

Hi dear! Of course I will agree with you, that the situation is not easy, but please, remember, that you have already contributed a lot of your efforts to this work, so they are worth to be finished!