Hi guys. I just started my PhD last week. I'm part of a team which is working on an overall bigger project. The team is composed of a couple of PIs, CIs and post-docs; I am the only PhD student.

We had a meeting recently and I was silent through almost the entirety of it. I feel disappointed with myself. They were discussing the project, the ideas that have been rolling around for months (that I know nothing about), using the subject terminology perfectly. I'm not completely comfortable with the terminology (and not really that eloquent). They all demonstrated that they know so much more than me, so I stayed quiet as they continued their discussion. My confidence is really low, and in front of these intelligent people I feel moronic and out of place, like if I spoke up then I would be speaking out of line. I feel my viewpoint is worthless.

I am friends with my supervisor; he’s a nice person. He noticed my being quiet and so he started prodding me for responses near the end of the meeting. It didn't help that he directed the topic of conversation away from the project, reinforcing that I know nothing about it. After the meeting he gave me some books to read and asked me if I was feeling overwhelmed. I think he already knew the answer.

I'm probably overreacting, but I just feel terrible. It’s like we came to the first hurdle and I fell flat on my face. I should have been more vocal during the meeting but I wasn't. I feel like I'm already letting myself and my supervisor down. I think he is disappointed with me too. I know it’s just the initial PhD blues and I have to deal with it… but I still feel bad. I want to be confident and eloquent. I wish I could show my supervisor impressive ideas and assist the rest of the team. Instead I feel like a burden on them all. :’(

Sorry that you're feeling so bad. If it's any consolation I'm in the third year of my PhD and I still feel this way. It's impossible not to when everyone else around you has between 5 and 30 years experience! Of course you are going to feel overwhelmed and out of your depth.

Things will improve - you won't be the newbie forever! Eventually someone else will start in the lab and you will be the one to show them around and reassure them that everything will be ok. Trust me, you'll look back on this time in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and realise how much you've learnt.

Your PI, if he has any sense, will expect you to be like this. A PhD is a training program. You are not supposed to have all the answers right now - if you did you wouldn't need to be doing a PhD! It's better that you kept quiet rather than pretending you knew what you were talking about because it's obvious when someone is doing this. Next time though, if you are unsure but want to say something, just add a caveat to it like: "I'm sure you all know better than me, but isn't xxx?" or: "I don't know the answer but maybe..."

Your lucky that your PI recognises you need to read some books about your subject - it shows he cares and can recognise when someone needs help and when they don't.

Try to let this hardship make you stronger and not get you down. Things will improve! Good Luck!

Hi CtSilver,

What you're going through is completely normal: you just started the PhD last week!!!! I remember I didn't even have a topic during my first six months of the programme: I had a proposal which I submitted in the application but chose not to pursue that topic.

It would be wise to have a chat with your supervisor about that meeting: just tell him that there are things that I don't fully understand- he would not only appreciate your honesty but this could also help the both of you generate greater chemistry during the course of the PhD, which is fundamental.

Never feel moronic or like a burden: anyone who makes u feel u r unworthy is a shallow and insecure person him/herself. No one enrolled in any PhD programme is moronic especially in this day and age when admission is so competitive. Perhaps it would also help reading a few books about the issue that was discussed during your meeting?? This way you can avoid a similar scenario in the future. At this early stage, if you have an idea what your topic is about, then perhaps you'd be looking at the literature review: this is an excellent time for you to build up your knowledge, and confidence and eloquence will follow. Unfortunately not many people have my "lawyer-esque" ability to talk about virtually anything with confidence and a good image but you don't need that once you start delving into the literature on your field :).

Hi TreeofLife and incognito,

thank you both for your great advice and encouragement. Honestly, you've both helped me to feel better about the situation and I really appreciate your support. I'm reading as much as I can to build up my knowledge, so I'm hoping in the next meeting to contribute to the discussion a little more, and make use of the tips you've given me! My supervisor seems so busy these days, but I will talk to him about it as well.

Thanks again. :)

Silver

I felt exaclty like this when I started doing seminars 2 years ago. I talked to my personal tutor who said I was putting too much pressure on myself to be smart all the time, but the smart thing to do is just relax and realise that nobody expects a first year to say clever things all the time. Best advise I have had so far! Now I just say what comes into my head. Most of the time it is garbage but it is better than how I felt when I started!

Thinking back, I guess I'm one of a very few who got off to a good start on my PhD in that I was producing fresh data from the off. The nature of the PhD lent itself to that.

Dealing with specialists in the field was a different matter. It took up to a year to be able to hold my own against all these Profs and Docs who had been at it for years. I made mistakes, I learned from them and by this process I became knowledgeable enough in the field to be able to hold my own at the end when I went into viva.

This is why literature review is so important especially in the early days when you're learning the ropes. Some of the people you are working with will be more approachable than others. Allow them to guide you as regards useful literature, including books and journal papers relevant to your subject. Within a short space of time, you will be able to direct your own reading (still with some but decreasing advice) relevant to actual core subject of your PhD.

Have patience, it will come.

Unusual bias in your group by the way of post-docs to PhD students (i.e. you being the only student)?

Ian (Mackem_Beefy)

I don't have advice, but I feel exactly as you! I just started! Good luck!