======= Date Modified 06 Nov 2011 03:52:37 =======
Sorry for this very negative post - I need to get this off my chest.

I just can't be bothered/ don't have the strength to do anything. I feel so tired, lazy and no motivation at all. It is not that I don't know what I need to do or don't have any desire to do them at all (I do have some desire to finish my work), but I just CAN'T. I have already broken down and listed the small tasks that I need to do, but when I try to do them, I just can't- I cry all the time sitting at the table, my mind goes blank and I feel that everything is hopeless and useless.

I am trying to catch my official deadline for thesis submission which should be at the end of February 2012 and I am supposed to have my viva in March 2012 and final examination in April/ May 2012. I am still formulating, and have simulation and experiment of 1/3 of my research to do. I don't think I am able to catch the deadline but I really would like to finish by the end of June next year because (i) my scholarship will be terminated by March 2012. Even though I may apply for the exemption of tuition fee, I can't afford another few months' living cost in this country. It would be equivalent to almost one year salary of a bachelor degree graduate in my country. I can't apply for a part time job here because I can't speak the local language, (ii) I just can't stand living this kind of life anymore, (iii) although I may be less stressed, I don’t think I will produce a good thesis even if I am given another few months extra (iv) although I know I shouldn't be thinking much about what other people may think, I feel really embarrassed if I apply for an extension again.

The last part of my research is very new to me (I don't have much confidence in it) and I've just learned that one of my potential examiners/ panels is an expert in this. I had a bad experience with him since my hellish master viva 2.5 years ago and I am suffering from trauma of him, other panels and the whole viva experience. I will most likely be getting the same panels for my PhD viva. I don't feel like I have the will / strength to face them anymore let alone defend my thesis. Thinking of this make me cry all the time. I may actually make use of the panel (the one who is expert in the last part of my research) by asking him questions to strengthen my understanding, but (i) the way my supervisor is saying it (he didn't say it directly), it seems like he is not comfortable with me seeing that panel, (ii) I am not sure whether the panel will welcome me, (iii) it's quite difficult to communicate due to the language barrier, (iv) I don't actually know what to ask :-(

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======= Date Modified 05 Nov 2011 17:41:15 =======
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I have also just discovered that the last part of my research is not efficient to be implemented practically. It may work in simulation but, it may not be computationally efficient for real time implementation. Besides I don’t have enough sensors for the experimental setup, I don’t have any knowledge/ experience about the sensor and I don’t even know where to buy it. I feel that all my efforts for the last 2 months are useless. I may attempt to solve these problems but it will take much more time, but I don’t have much time. I should discuss this with my supervisor, but I am reluctant to see him because I usually feel more depressed after our meetings.

I am also worried about my second journal as I should be getting the reply soon. I feel that the work is insignificant, not much contribution to knowledge and I had written it really badly. I have put a lot of time and effort into it, but why is the output almost zero? But, I am still hoping that the paper will be accepted no matter how I feel right now.

Before starting my PhD, I had signed a contract to serve a university in my home country after finishing the PhD. But, I can’t imagine myself doing any more research or anything related to academia after this. I can’t stand that this torture will continue even after the viva/ final examination. I don’t see the end of this. Breaching the contract would cost a lot of money that I would have to work for 10 years or more to pay for it all.

I have tried to share the problem with family / friends, but not everyone could understand what I am going through. I feel more hurt after talking to them. I have tried to meet the counsellor in the university, but as far as I know there is no a real trained/ professional counsellors in this university. There are only lecturers that are assigned as student guidance who we can meet if we have problems. I once met a ‘counsellor’ and he said I don’t have any problem. The cost of the counsellors outside is very expensive, besides there is also language barrier that both the counsellor and I are lack of vocabularies, and I also have to save money for those months that I won’t be getting scholarship anymore. I have tried emailing the Samaritans but it only works in the beginning. I have taken a long break, have just returned from a conference in a nice island and visited my family (the conference venue was close to my country), but I still feel lazy. I may join some friends to hang out/ spend some time together, but I don’t feel like doing so. I feel so isolated, but I am the one who is isolating myself. I just can’t stand to be with anyone at the moment. I also eat and shop a lot to reduce the anxiety, but I gain more weight and lost a lot of money, and I feel more stressed.

Sometimes I feel like I am exaggerating small problems. There are other people who are in worse situation but do not complain much.

Do you guys think I am being unrealistic trying to catch the February 2012 deadline?

I am so stressed that I can't think of anything anymore.

From what I know, the most important thing in PhD is just keep going, but I just don’t have the strength to do so anymore. I feel like jumping in front of a moving _ _ _ _ _.

Please don't despair. You've lost some perspective, I think, and are not thinking clearly about things. It's hard to work when under pressure and putting yourself under pressure is only adding to the problem. Try not to think of the deadline but take some time to plan your work out, break it down into realistic and achievable goals, perhaps make a tick list and as you achieve things start marking them off as this will help calm you when you see that you are making progress and keep going, if you can. A PhD is an important part of your life but please try to remember it should not be your life and there is more to life, it just may not feel like it at present.

Please take it easy mate and try not to be so hard on yourself...

Oh dear Huhu, am extremely sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. I can completely understand how you feel as I am in a very similar situation to you. But I am saying to myself that it is all going to be fine but I don't know if it will be. I don't really know what to say but the only thing is we will have to keep going. Don't be too hard on yourself, you have been doing everything you can. Not all PhD projects are perfect - some projects are very focussed, some are broad, poorly designed or extremely unrealistic to complete in three years. As Delta has said PhD is just a part of our life. As you have mentioned it would be a good idea to talk to your supervisor, am sure (s)he will understand. The last few months are the hardest and don't give up!!

Huhu - could you perhaps go and see a doctor and explain how you feel - your embassy / consulate might maintain lists of doctors able to speak your language if that would make it easier? It really sounds from your post as if you are suffering from anxiety, stress and possibly even depression. Maybe a doctor could help you access some support that your university doesn't offer. I also wondered if you did apply for the extension, would you perhaps be able to finish the actual research by the end of your funding and then move home to write up in your home country to make it financially viable (and perhaps give you a more supportive environment when you need it most)? I would also suggest being very honest with your supervisor about how you are feeling and get him to help you set up a realistic plan to finish. If seeing him makes you flustered or you think there might be language problems, send him a list of questions you need answers to the day before as a meeting agenda or take it with you. You need for example to clarify whether or not you could approach the expert for advice. you are in the final phase of the PhD and however impossible it feels, you really can finish.

Your contract to teach in your home country must feel like a trap right now but remember how much easier it would be to teach in your own language, and in an environment you understand thoroughly. You might even not have to do much research if that's what you dread. But please try not to worry too much about that now, concentrate on getting the help and support you need to finish the PhD and then regroup. As the others have already said, you are a talented and successful person already without the PhD - you wouldn't be doing one with a scholarship if people didn't think highly of you academically and then there are all your non-academic qualities as well. Even if it doesn't feel like it, you will be OK but you need some help right now so please ask for it.

======= Date Modified 06 Nov 2011 10:10:12 =======
Huhu, it doesn't sound like your problems are small but you are probably going to have to force yourself to do some positive things no matter what you feel.

As Bewildered has said, I would still try to find a counsellor-whether that is a telephone counsellor or even a friend. A friend of mine this year went through a bad time with workplace bullying and harassment and, as her friends, a few of us were available for fairly extensive calls and visits just to help her through it. I didn't begrudge her this and I don't think your friends would either. She also found a proper counsellor as well and went for a visit. You might well be able to afford one or two sessions with a private counsellor if you paid for them or if your family helped you out-and often only two sessions is needed. It usually costs about the same amount as a decent top or half of a pair of shoes (depending on the shoes that is-I'm thinking reasonably priced trainers). As a mother, I cannot imagine minding at all if one of my grown children needed support and asked me for help here- I would gladly pay for a few counselling sessions for them.

I think Bewildered's advice about visiting a doctor just to see whether you could get anything to help with the crying and depression is really good as well. These supports might help by just giving you enough of a lift so that you can make some plans-small plans-and stick to them. Such as forcing yourself to have a coffee with friends every other day and just getting away from your PhD or going for a walk.

Exercise and lots of vitamins are absolutely brilliant for assisting with depression-also Vitamin D3 really helps-it got me through a shocking patch of seasonal depression and overwork earlier this year during our (my) very cold winter (I live in the coldest part of Australia-similar climate to UK-just a little warmer overall).

I know it all seems overwhelming and like everything is just bad or going wrong but some of these thoughts are part of the cycle or spiral of negative thinking we get stuck within once depression gets hold of us. So you have to take baby steps. Do something nice for yourself every day. Force yourself to do a little bit of work for the thesis (do it in tiny spurts and reward yourself). Stay in touch with friends and don't isolate yourself and look after yourself carefully-make yourself eat and do positive things.

Don't worry about a little bit of weight gain-most of us go through this periodically-seems to be part and parcel of being female. That tub of caramel icecream in the fridge is just too nice to resist at times.

But exercise, make yourself look and feel good from the inside out by taking care of yourself and keep on going...you can do it...yes you can.

Hi Huhu

I just wanted to offer you some words of support similar to the others. I am really sorry you are feeling so stressed about everything which can only be excerbated by the language barrier and being away from home. The others all offer excellent advice but I suspect that you have probably thought of some these things already. I can totally relate to how you feel about your deadline and the worry that it is slipping away from you. The only advice I can offer beyond what has already been said is to approach your supervisor and ask him/her for a meeting but make it clear that you don't want to discuss finicky aspects of your project but rather your deadline, if he/she feels you on target and if not, what you need to do to get there, or (and this is scary), how far away from the target they feel you are. It takes guts I know (been there, done that!) but if you don't, what can happen is that you leave the meeting and berate yourself for not tackling the issue. And so the negative feelings about yourself only increase. So many times I went home after a meeting and gave out to myself saying "there's another meeting gone and you still haven't asked him x, y or z..."

As the others have said you ARE a talented, gifted person; your scholarship alone is vindication of that. However, I too had a scholarship but used to feel that somehow, some way I had slipped through the net and had gotten it by mistake! I don't know if that feeling ever goes away.

Finally, about your possible external examiner - remember that you have moved on since your own masters and no doubt know much more about your particular topic but also how to argue your case. Also at least you know what he is like in a viva so can mentally prepare.

Take it easy HuHu - hope things improve for you soon (gift)

Hi there,

i hope things are getting better for you. It seems to me the more i read and talk to people, that we are mostly all in the same situation. I have recently finished the first year of my PhD and am already 100% sure that i will need an extension. Its very difficult and i fell very behind when someone close to me passed away. Its so easy to let things get us down but you can be reassured that you are not alone and lots of people feel this way, including me. Try to stay positive and do the best you can. Do not feel embarrassed if you need extra time - it would be worse if you end up being sick with all the stress.