So this is quite a morbid issue to really get my head around or even to place in to words. I started a PhD this past September, and I'm lucky enough to be fully funded in the area that this I'm in. Despite only being on the program for 4 months I also have two book chapters which are hopefully due to come out over the next year, and so I haven't exactly reached a crisis point, although my topic is less interesting than I expected.

My problem is that there is a sizable (but less than 50%) chance that I may have a defect that could possibly kill me quite early. Through testing I will be able to find out if I have the issue or not, but unfortunately due to communication problems within the NHS the test is still yet to happen.

This has hung over me for a while now and shaped all of my anxieties and career decisions. If my test, which will hopefully come back in the first half of this year, comes back positive I will almost definitely drop out, for the sake of keeping my stress levels low as possible and getting various life goals done. If it comes back negative I also can't be sure of what dramatic change my mind will go for knowing for sure that I'm going to live a full life like everybody else.

So do I tell my supervisor this? He's been great to me since I started my Undergraduate and is the reason I'm doing as well as I am already in terms of publishing, so I feel like I owe it to him. Also, if anything does go wrong I don't want it to be out of the blue. I also have no idea how I could ever phrase this to him in a way that wouldn't be me basically saying "I'm going to find out the date of my death soon and everything may be turned upside down as a result."

I'm sorry that you have this stress of potential health problems JSchae. I would probably chat to your supervisor about it just so they are in the know.

I guess before the test results come there isn't much you can really decide. It sounds like you are doing really well at the PhD and so if you really want it carry on for now working away, perhaps you can use your work to distract yourself from the unknown.

Once you have your results then make the decisions you need to make.

I think you need to talk to your friends and family, or a counselling service to get all of this out in the open and hopefully reduce your stress for the time being.

I hope you have good news when you get your tests done. Any of us can get hit by a bus at any time, so live for today and enjoy life as much as you can!

hi JSchae, I agree with Caro. For now, live a day at a time, step by step.
Let us know how you are doing.

love satchi

Hi JSchae,

I also may have a hereditary genetic defect. There is no cure, and judging from my mum's condition, I doubt the treatment had any effect at all in delaying the progress of the disease or improving her quality of life.

Anyway, I decided not to get tested because even if I know I have it, there is nothing I can do to prevent it or slow it down.

Besides that, no one knows when they will die or how. For all I know, a lorry might run me over tomorrow, or some other freaking accident involving me a tortoise and an eagle might happen. In that sense, I live my life as I would die tomorrow, and always clear my browsing history :)

I did the PhD because I wanted to do a PhD. Don't let fear shape your future. Enjoy this fraction of the second that you exist.