Hi all,

Basically i stated my PhD about 4 months ago and really feel like i should leave. I came straight from undergrad at the same uni with my tutor becoming my supervisor. My project has changed so much which i thought was a good thing but now it links into so many wider theories which i dont see how i can link them all together. The whole thing seems so big with too many little aspects which dont seem to come together coherently. I really get on with all the other PhDers in the department but they make me feel so behind. There so bright and some already writing work which is going to be published. I am nowhere near that standard.

I have spent the day looking at job sites as i just feel like im wasting my time becasue someone is bound to decide i am rubbish or my project will be rejected.

Sorry to sound so miserable i just never thought i would actually think seriously about quitting :(
Anyone else feel like this or have done before?
Thanks!

this is 1st year blues. We've all been, or are going through it, trust me! The theories seem so huge and disjointed - you can't get your head around how you will possibly get there. Have faith! It will come together. 4 months in - I had pretty much worked out where my office was. The other PhDers are either doing much easier topics OR are bluffing like mad. I know when I tell people what I have done, they all seem impressed, but underneat I'm shouting "ITS ALL LIES, LIES!!!!!"

It comes across like you like the subject, the people around you and the PhD itself, this is just a confidence issue. It may help to start mapping out the theories like a mind map - slowly you will probably start finding how they are similar/dissimlar or where there are gaps that need to be explored. The PhD is actually a very specific project, so although you are reading about LOADS, realistically it will be very much scaled down by the end - your sup probably wants you to read all these theories, so you know where your research will sit. Often 7000 you write on a theory in your 1st year, will make up 2 scentences of your thesis in the end!

Don't panic, have faith and go about the reading logically. It will help you write little essays on each topic, so you know what its about, what are the limitations etc and how it relates to your potential research question.

I was an avid user of freemind in my first year, for plotting all my ideas etc. http://freemind.sourceforge.net/wiki/index.php/Main_Page

Hi Phoebe

I think we both started our PhDs at the same time, and I've been feeling a little the way you describe as well. Not as much as you feel it - I haven't thought about quitting, but I have thought that there's just so much to get my head around, and three years seemed like a long time at the start but now looks like almost no time at all even to read everything I want to read. I think Sneaks is probably right, this is a stage and we all face it. Maybe it's the end of the honeymoon period where the excitement of starting out on a new adventure has started to wear off? I don't know how much that will help you, but maybe just knowing most people will face this at some point will help??

And other students in my department can either be great - friendly and chatty and lovely - or they can just freak me out completely: one guy who started a month before me told me he was finishing his literature review at Christmas, which scared the pants off me, because I'd barely even started mine. But we're all different, and I'm not convinced that rushing ahead like that is the best way forward. I know for sure I'm months and months (and probably years!!) off thinking about writing for publication, and I think that's normal.

I guess I'm saying don't be so hard on yourself! If it all looked easy and obvious at this early stage it probably wouldn't be worth studying, so do hang in there and give yourself the space to explore what you're doing without beating yourself up that you haven't sussed it all out yet. I'm sure we'll all get there in the end!

Hey,
Sorry to hear you are struggling ((hugs))
One of the first things I had to learn when I started my PhD is to NOT COMPARE yourself to others. Projects, working styles, and supervisors vary immenssely so it is a false comparison - repest this to yourself regularly. Friends I started at the same time with (now in my 3rd year) seemed miles ahead of me in the first year and are now having to go back and do more testing while I'm concentrating on writing up, so it's swings and roundabouts.
As for the confidence that is something that will develop with time - although you will still have attacks of 'I can't do this, I'm so rubbish...etc' right up to hand in!! I had one a few weeks ago!
The links in your project will emerge as you progress and develop your knowledge
If you are seriously worried about your progress speak to your supervisor and see what they think - sometimes they forget we need a little encouragement!
Please don't compare yourself to others though - it is an impossible comparison to make
x

I, like many other members of this forum, can completely identify with you. The most important point you can take away with you from these posts is that you should never compare yourself with other PhD students. The fact of the matter is that everyone's PhD journey is completely different and you can't compare chalk with cheese. As I understand it, some people are lucky to have PhDs which require less methods and theories than others, though I wouldn't go so far as to say that some people have easier PhDs than other - it's all relative afterall.
Now, you're right at the start of your PhD and so, given how much you're going to develop and improve (come on tremendously in fact), I wouldn't start worrying about the impossibility of it all at this point. Honestly, you've just started, jumped in head first and you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment. Things will clear for you quite soon, as you continue to read and learn, and you'll quite soon develop your own little niche for research and fit it in with all of the existing paradigm and theories (you know what I mean) and feel quite comfortable. Remember that you're not reinventing the wheel - you're just trying to add to the existing bodies of research that are out there in your own modest way.
I can, of course, completely identify with your dilemma. I'm a third year with less than a year left and I'm still where you are right at the start! The difference is it took me longer (being basically dumb) to identify the issues that you have already identified! The other difference is, having been doing a PhD for quite a while now, I'm not quite as stressed because I realise the place of my research, the impossibility of trying to understand and integrate everything (so my own limitations) and that am training to be a researcher - so that's essentially what I'm going to demonstrate in my thesis.
Everything you're going through now is perfectly normal, even though stressful, and you're going to find, as you write you thesis, that this is all part of your journey - you're learning at a very rapid rate, and you'll reflect on this issue in a few months and think "ahh, I see". It is so easy to feel overwhelmed, but just take things one step at a time - that's what the first year is for. And please don't worry about the fact that other people are already publishing. So what? I have yet to get a paper published, but will have one or two in time.
Although you may want to quit at the moment, give it time because things will change and you have nothing to lose so far. Remember, a PhD is something like 90% perspiration and 10% inspiration. And don't forget just how important your supervisory team are for helping you navigate things like this. Perhaps they can help you narrow down your research focus and remind you that you don't need to know everything about everything. A PhD is, after all, a process of knowing more and more about less and less.:-)

I do know a few PhDers who do have significantly 'easier' topics than most. Their projects have been more like an extended MSc research project, about 15,000 words long and one study.

Sneaks, I was trying to be magnanimous in these PC-laden times... But yeah, I agree actually; some people do have easier PhDs.

Ah Walminski, once again you've summed it up perfectly! This is soooo true!! I am now almost unemployable because I know so much about so little!!! ;-)

Phoebe, not much to add as others have give you excellent advice. It sounds like you're anxious, so remember to breathe, calm down, and just take it day by day. When I've been in situations where I've been overwhelmed, I used to have as my screensaver 'little by little' - this would constantly remind me that I'd get there, I just needed to keep chipping away at the work. It also sounds like you have a case of 'imposter syndrome' - do a search on the forum or online and lots will come up - basically it refers to the self doubts we all have and which seem to take over from time to time. That's normal. Believe in yourself, and as others have mentioned, don't compare yourself to others, we all learn different things at different speeds. Try to enjoy your work - it sounds like everything is going well, you're just being too hard on yourself. Good luck!

Hey Phoebe- I think the others have already said it really, but just to re-iterate! Everyone feels a bit out of their depth to start with, it's completely normal, and in my experience everything seems to just get more confusing for quite a while, and then suddenly something clicks and you find yourself feeling a bit more on top of things, a bit more like you can do it, and you start to enjoy yourself and develop more confidence (hopefully!). Absolutely do not compare yourself to others- there are plenty of PhD students in my department who are mostly mouth, and it would be easy to feel inferior. There always seems to be someone who is much further ahead, has more data, has presented at more conferences, has more publications etc (and what's more they love to talk about it very loudly!), but every project is completely different and people work differently and have different priorities. Equally, people come to the PhD with different strengths. Some people need to get used to writing in an academic style, some people have nailed that already but have no people skills, some people have both and some people have neither. If you really need some reassurance, go speak to your supervisor and tell him how you are feeling. He/she will no doubt reassure you that you are good enough- they were happy to keep you on at the same uni so they must see the potential in you! Best wishes, KB

Hi Phoebe
I totally feel you.
and all the replier, thanks so much for the comforting replies, as a matter of fact I am in an almost the same situation. I am in my second year. One other PhDer who started at the same time with me and are under the same supervision, is far ahead of me: passed her proposal defence, even applied for more fund with our supervisor, and awarded by the SRCD student research award with the proposal she is much younger. As a peer under the same supervisor, I found it particularly hard to take in. I could find excuse that I was very sick for a month or two and took a part-time job, so I was very distracted. But when I know about her progress, my self-esteem has become unprecedentedly low...I blame myself for being sick and lost focus ...now I am physically getting on my feet and realised that my research is far behind my schedule I am the only mature student (34 married without kid) who worked in real life and have more commitment than people in my lab...one side of me I am amazed by the other's progress, but on the other side I felt quite bitter. I found I am really struggling in this 'virtual' life right now and seriously doubt if I am suitable for doing this. It felt really lonely and deserted.
But I guess all the other replies are quite right about 'not to compare yourself with the other', b u t when things are getting competitive like that in my lab, or I feel I am losing the game and control... it freaks me out... Having said that, I am trying to focus on just my own progress and physically keep a distance from the others in the lab, we do not talk about research much anyway. I don't' know if it will help but have to give a try anyway.

Phoebe, I hope you find you way out of this soon...
(up)

Thanks to everyone for your replies - It definately makes me feel better its not just me! :)

Feeling a bit more positive about it all. My topic area is so new everything i read points to my research being either already done or very likely to be done in the near future which i think sent me into a negative state of mind! Im currently trying to pin down some structured research questions which should help me focus!

Thanks again to everyone :)

hi phoebes!
I hope you feel better; maybe this feeling about quitting is just temporary.

At this moment I have become confused doing my stats! Sometimes I read somethng and then I do something else; and when I look back at the stats stuff I've forgotten what I was supposed to do!!! I'm trying. And I appreciate it that I can post a question here, most likely there will be some advice coming in from good people. I'm glad.

hang in there
satchi

Hi Pheobe and Zylln, hi I'm not on Phd yet (Masters still) but hopefully the Phd countdown is about 10 months away to application time-so I'm being bold and am posting anyway. Can't offer specific advice on Phd thesis journey and you've been given great advice anyway, so wouldn't need to. But, on the self-esteem issue...it is probably hard in the lab/science situation. I don't know but I'm guessing this environment is really competitive-or at least more 'in your face' competitive than some other Phd's...but, as said so often by many...can not reiterate enough how true this is-in study, in life and in work, but most especially in the Phd-which is always a really personal goal aspiration and goal-private as well as public-it never seems to be only about the cudos.

You are doing this for You-learning only things that you can learn about your topic and about you- what your values and beliefs are and in the face of pressure, and a host of other things life hurls at you...how you cope and prioritise so that you can spend time on a project of real significance-even if it doesn't seem all that significant at times to others. No matter how bright we are, there are always going to be some real stellar performers out there (the Einstein's, etc) so why ever compare and for those out there who compare us to others or try to create unnecessary competitiveness and biatchiness- leave them to it. No one can take away the things that you have learned, written, understood and developed. You are thinking, feeling, experiencing and essentially, writing yourself and authoring your own narrative of life in this. How can the younger whizz kid really matter regarding this...good for her...but do you really care? Really, deep down? This is about you, your journey and the knocks and falls and the successes that you took (are taking) along the way. Good luck to both of you-hang in there(gift)(up)

Hi Phoebe

I just wanted to let you know, as everyone else has said, you are definitely not alone in feeling like this! I'm in my final year now, came to do a PhD in a topic quite different from anything I'd ever done before, straight from undergrad and I spent the entire first year wanting to quit. Well, maybe I was ok the first 2-3 months but other than that, I wanted out! I stuck through it though and I'm so so glad I did! Other people who started after me seemed to be getting on much better than I was and doing loads of lab work, while I spent the first 6 months literally reading up on my topic and finding out what I actually needed to research. Now, I have a paper being published, I've got most of my lab work done including some really interesting stuff and my main supervisor seems to think of me as a 'real' scientist! (the other supervisor likes to make me think I'm stupid, but I see through his cunning plan...)...So the point is, don't worry, don't compare yourself to others, it's your project, give yourself time to get to grips witht he topic and design research that YOU are happy with and you'll be fine. Trust in yourself.