Hi,
I am currently going through a very hard situation. I am in the year which is longer than the average years in my department for phD students. I felt depressed from the second year since my topic was totally different from my master, and my topic changed once in the second year. My emotion goes up and down totally depending on how the meeting goes with my supervisor. I almost lost all my social life, since I know my progress was slow and I feels guilty if I have any entertainment. So most of the time, I rather stay at home do nothing about research since I know if I go out and have fun will make me feel even worse. The lack of progress make me feel vary bad about myself and also lose all the motivation on my research, but I just hang in there and thinking all the bad things will pass eventually.

Since in this year, I don't have any funding from my supervisor. So I found a part-time job at school and also took TA, which took me a lot of time. I found myself prefer to stay in the library or stay at home, and also put the research and writing at the last minute of the day. I realized that I am only happy during my part-time working hours and the TA hours. But my department and supervisor are not happy with my research, so I decided to quit the job. What I thought at that time was I have more time to work on my research and thesis, I will try my best to finish it in the next months. Things are not getting better. I was so sick of my thesis and every time I try to click on the folder, I feel sick. I am not satisfied with my research results at all and I know there are a lot of problems, but it seems to me that my supervisor only cares about when I can finish and leave.
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I feel more and more depressed and nothing can cheer me up. I am an international student and usually call my parents and friends for hours every week when I started my phd abroad. But later, I don't want to talk too much about myself so I started to find excuses to avoid talk with them. In the recent two months, I was sick of finding excuses so I just send messages to my parents saying that I'm not in a good mood, and don't want to talk. I also didn't turn on the phone to let me see the message from my friends.

I can't sleep well and can't eat well and starting ignore emails from my supervisor and department, and I knows they are talking about my progress and how unusual and how much bad influence to my department that I've already taken one year longer than the average phd time and why I didn't update my progress.

At the beginning, I thought maybe next week things will get better. But now I started don't want to eat, and don't want to leave my bedroom and not able to think. I realized that maybe my bad state won't be over.

My roommate talked with me for hours today, she worried about me and thought that I should take a long break to go back home and get support from my family. This idea suddenly gave me a little hope for hours. But I don't know how to tell this to my supervisor and department. I didn't reply their emails about my progress updates recently and they are not satisfied with my progress, if I suddenly asking for long break how they will feel? Another concern is I talked to my supervisor about my feeling and depression before, I am worried how she will think about me, why I am the only one having so many problem?

I really want to go home now, can anyone give me some advice how to reply to my supervisor?

I have been in the place you describe and it’s very difficult place to be. It will get better but you’ll need to find the strength to take some action.

First get yourself to a doctor and see what their advice is - and take it. You could also take yourself to your university’s counselling service if it has one and explain your situation. I am sure that their advice will be that you need to prioritise your own welfare over everything else. If it's possible for you to suspend your studies for a while (I think most UK institutions allow this) then that might be a good solution for you. You can then go to your supervisor with a plan and with the backing of your GP/counsellor. If she thinks badly of you for being depressed then that’s her issue and it’s completely unacceptable - but she might not react in the way you think, especially if she sees that you recognise the problem and are doing something about it.

Oh dear I feel your pain.

I am in the same boat but in fact facing more problems. My supervisors are not supporting my extension and thus I am forced to submit too early. I am an international student too and thus it make it too difficult since we have tones of restrictions.

I am seriously thinking on the line that the issues faced by overseas students have been ignored or given less attention. I am especially talking about international PhD students since we have longer years of studies and that is on the macro topic. It is so normal to get depression because we are alone, we are surrounded by some genius students, we have family pressure. I know in some countries education is given so much preference and parental expectations touch the sky. It is so shameful not to get degree or discuss about problems we are facing in UK because they are too complicated and parents may not understand it. Moreover we do not want them to worry about us and thus we hide our feelings from them.

But believe me your situation is too normal. Depression is the synonym of PhD. Talk to your department and supervisor about it. I am sure they wont find it unusual because almost all PhD students pass through this stage. If you feel better then take a break and go home. Being in the same depressing state wont help and will just increase your time of study. Most importantly do not feel like you are the bad influence to your department. You have paid fees. You haven't done any crime. It is their best interest that you stay fit to produce good work.

As I mentioned I am going through the hardest stage and I do not have time to do anything else than to write. But I really wanted to tell you that you are not alone. You still have months to finish your thesis. Nothing is impossible.

Believe in yourself and seek help. Staying fit is the most imp for getting PHD. Take care.

Thank you very much for your reply kelpie, I am at a Canada university now. My problem is that I went to the university's counselling service(in the school clinic center, not sure if this is the one you talked about) once before and found it almost useless for me. The counselor was an graduate student volunteer and may even younger than me. I also asked my supervisor for a one-month break once before about three years ago, with the reason that I haven't go home for more than on year and I feel stressed. Back then it's reasonable since I never ask for a break before as an international student.

But now it will be the second time that I ask her for a break for emotional problem of myself. I also feel so difficult to talk to her, even facing her. I wouldn't talk to my roommate today if she didn't knock my door twice.
My supervisor may also ask me to talk with the graduate program advisor, who pushed me a lot to finish the program, saying that I am badly affect the department because of my longer than usual program time.


I also could be very emotional and I don't want to cry in front of them.
Thinking about that make me feel horrible.

Hi Sunnychicka16,

Thank you, your message almost make me cry. When I first talked this to my roommate early today, I can't stop crying. But I don't want to cry in front of my supervisor or department advisor. But I know I will not be able to control myself. Thank you for telling me that I am not the bad influence of my department. In fact,
that was from the emails of the graduate program advisor in my department. He said in his emails last year, "You almost tooks 4 years in your program, please try all your best to finish in 4 years or it will have very bad influence in our department.". I received similar email a month before. That is one reason I don't know how to facing him and also my supervisor, apparently they also think I had bad influence on my department and my supervisor, even thought I didn't exceed the time limit.

Thank you and I also wish you finish your dissertation on time. We are both almost there.

It’s very common to feel depressed and/or isolated during your PhD, just have a look at some of the threads on here. It’s absolutely not some kind of personal failure. You’re under extra pressure being an international student and your university hasn’t provided appropriate support, so no wonder you’re feeling like this! Some observations/suggestions:

- You won’t be the first or the last student to cause a blip in the department’s statistics and there are FAR more important things in life. It’s a shame your supervisor doesn’t seem to realise this.
- If the university doesn’t have an appropriate counselling service, can you try your doctor? It's always good to get advice and another perspective.
- If going home turns out not to be an option, could a friend or family member come and visit you for a while?
- Stop depriving yourself of entertainment and nice things, it’s not doing you any good. Treat yourself to something that will make you feel better even if just in the short term.
- Keep talking to your roommate, she sounds very kind.

Seriously, do something now before it is too late.

If you have read my story, my story started like yours, only I developed serious mental problems and OCDs because of stress, and made myself very ill (physically and mentally).

A few suggestions from my experience:

You can
a) take a long extension on medical grounds,
b) take a long extension due to being on leave to visit home,
c) withdraw from the course and re-register in a year's time.

For a start, delete your social network accounts. Completely. Don't give a damn about others. I am sure others are too busy with their chaotic lifestyles to give a damn about you. Stop comparing yourself to others and see a counsellor (I had to have 12 sessions of counselling in order to stand on my feet and be able to resubmit my thesis).

And enrol to your local swimming pool. Trust me. Swimming is the best anti-stress ever.

Many thanks to marasp and kelpie. I am going to see a doctor directly on Monday and I have also sent emails to my supervisor about my situation without the details. I haven't get her reply yet and am panic when there's new email notification popping out on my screen. Since she wanted to see me and push me about my progress, I don't know what she will reply about my email of asking a few days off since I am not feeling well and looking for a doctor. I am now terrified, but still waiting for the reply.

Thank you for your advice about seeing a doctor, since that idea never came into my mind before. I can't think or make plans for a short future time, for example, next week. At the beginning, I thought that I just try to avoid thinking about things that depress me. But from the talk with my roommate yesterday, I found I DO lost the ability to think and analyze. She asked a lot of questions, and 99% of my answers were "I don't know.", and those are very honest.

I will see a doctor, and see what happens.

Your department and supervisors are weird. There are number of PhD students who spend more than 6 years in full time PhD. They start PhD single and have babies of 3 years by the end of PhD. From what you have said your department is really inconsiderate. There are people in life whom you should listen and there are people whom you should straight out ignore. Your supervisor has registered her name in the second category. I can understand you being not ready to see them. It would be emotionally damaging. But do not let them win. It is good that you are taking help of the doctor. But eating healthy food is equally important. You have survived until now and a little bit of efforts could help you reach to the destination.

But please fully relax yourself first. Go out, take a break. Canada must be sunny these days.

Take care yourself and surround yourself with people who really care for you and avoid those who could upset you.

I really wish you get well soon! Hugs*

Thank you for your kindness advice Sunnychicka16. I've been blocking myself from all friends and family members for months, I feel more depressed when I talk to even my closest friends and my mother, who will always support me no matter what I do. I find that there are so many people out there, who are totally strangers will provide so many support and advice. Talking with strangers make me feel less stressed and I don't know why. But thank you so much for understanding and I feel not that terrible about myself now.

It is very common in my department for a full time phd to get the degree with only 4 years, and I am now in the fifth year. By the regulation, I still have plenty time before the 6 year deadline, but this is not the common case. I don't have any specific reason(I don't have babies, families are a thousand mile away from Canada) to be the outlier.

It is sunny here in this city, but I don't enjoy it at all. I feel more terrible when I see the sun and good weather. Weird, right? I still haven't get reply from my supervisor, still waiting and maybe another sleepless night today.

Now the coming of next Monday is my current challenge to go to the school clinic, which is close to my office...

Hugs*
Wish you go through your hard time soon, you will get a new page of you life.
Good luck!

Good luck at the doctor's and be honest about how you've been feeling. Let us know how you get on.