My supervisor always puts me down. I try very hard not to let her have such a strong effect on me, but I fail. I am a person that needs positive energy and I keep being dissapointed / overwhelmed by her negative behaviour. Although I have been a succesful student since 2003, I find myself lacking any motivation or self-discipline.

She makes me feel very insecure, and I end up leaving her room exhausted and feeling horrible about myself and my work. But sometimes she is very friendly and relaxed, which makes me feel bad about myself thinking mean things about her.
Recently I told her I would like her to be more involved in my work, and that I appreciated her giving me deadlines, but that these deadlines should be 'positive deadlines', e.g. including positive feedback etc. She looked at me with a smirk on her face and said: "What do you mean, positive? Do you want me to give you candy once you finished something?" I did not know what to say to this, and end up leaving her room feeling totally stupid and belittled. I find myself in such situations with her constantly. Sometimes she tells me very personal things, but the next day she is bitching around. Her motto: 'fake it till you make it'. That does not work for me: I am a perfectionist and an honest person. Basically, I am already quite harsh on myself, so I do not need her to do that even more.

Blocking her out leaves me even more isolated and lonely with my PhD. I have tried getting other professors involved, but find myself lacking the confidence to clearly explain my ideas. I feel completely incompetent for doing a PhD. Some of the Profs I did ask did not want to get involved, because they don’t like my supervisor.

How do I keep myself motivated? And how should I deal with my supervisor?

Any help is very much appreciated.

Hi Yannah, hang in there - lots of people on here have supervisor issues and someone may be able to offer some helpful advice.

I cannot advice you, but one thing im sure about, from what you said, the stupid is not you, its her, yes her, dont ever let her put you down. hope others will advice you more.

Hi Yannah
I'm so sorry to hear about your supervisor issues. Do you enjoy doing your phd? Are you happy with this research topic and keen to continue? Will your supervisor be able to guide you with the direction of achieving your goals? If the answers are all yes, then you need to work "in unison" with this lady.

If she makes you feel insecure, that is her character--that is her style. Telling her to give you "positive deadlines" will only backfire, it will make her more "aggressive" because it sounds like you are telling her how to behave, how to speak to you, and what to do. I understand that your intentions are noble, but she won't appreciate it.

If you know that your supervisor is the "belittle-ling" type, if she constantly behaves like she is putting people down, then you need to buck up--and always be prepared so that she has nothing to pick on you. In some ways, this could even push you on to greater heights.

Her motto of fake it till you make it, is hers. You don't have to follow it. If she says anything to you (personal stuff etc.) just say Umm ok..hmm... and then in one ear, out the other. Don't take it personally.

Concentrate on your phd--and learn to think for yourself. Remember not to have big arguments with her because you'll always still need her at some point in your academic career.

Make a schedule of your work--keep a record on everything (the phd!) and focus on it. Stick to the phd when you meet with your supervisor--if any bitching comes out, remember that is her style--and has nothing to do with you. Stick to the facts, let the bitching stuff "float" around you in the ether--don't take them seriously, don't take them personally.

You'll be ok.

love satchi

I agree very much with Satchi, with one main exception. While it is true that ensuring that she has nothing to pick on might spur you on to greater heights, it might also spur you on to quite a bit of frustration and angst. This is predominantly YOUR work. You do need her help, support and advice but....

You also need to remember she is your supervisor and mentor not your employer or boss. It is a different relationship. You do need to listen to what she says and yes, sounds like her style is critical, so she is always probably going to 'default' to this critical position. It can be especially hard when you follow or respond better to a different more 'open ended' or encouraging personal model of teaching or learning.

However, there will be times when you might need to learn to ignore her politely or nod wisely and say you will look into it, and then do what you think is best anyway.

Thank you all very much for your elaborate, supportive and nice replies. I will try the tips! And it is just very nice to feel understood and heard.

One thing though, she actually IS my boss too. Officially I work as a scientific assistant under her, but am allowed to work on my PhD. But if she doesn't like my work, she can actually fire me, which leaves me without an income.

I have been reading other posts on this website, and saw the three months thesis mentioned a lot. I am tempted to try having him involved, e.g. having skype sessions as extra support. I feel like the one thing I really need is someone who is positive and makes me believe it will all work out and will not take years and years anymore. Also, I need something to kick me out of procrastination. Due to my lack of self confidence and motivation, I tend to do a lot of procrastination, about which I of course feel very guilty afterwards always. Has any of you got experience with the 3months thesis skype sessions?

Thanks again :) :)

Sorry about that, and thanks for clarification.

Hi Yannah,
There are plenty of horrible and useless supervisors and it is no reflection on you as a person or your academic ability, that you are unfortunate enough to have one. Everything happens for a reason, you are stong and intellegent and you can handle it no matter what she says or do,so don't let her knock your confidence.All these issues occuring are flaws in your supervisor's character, not yours. A docterine is a test of resolve and stamina.

I am about to go into my fourth year of my research so this is my advice to you. Construct a concept, a story,so that there is a flow and be very disciplined,intensive and tenacious. Your PhD is yours and you are in control,it is going to be such a testament to you when you achieve it in despite of your supervisor working against you and you will achieve it,you need to be bullet proof when it comes to your supervisor,everytime she is mean to you or starts working against you by being negative and non constructively critical,pent it on the forum or some outside friends or family,not fellow collogues because you want to remain dignified.

Redirect all this frustration that she is causing you to drive you forward. She won't progress very far if she treats prospective academics the way she does,but you can thrive and her opinion really is not the only one that matters, there are councils and advisory boards that can check your work if she starts putting up stumbling blocks.These are set up because of the common destructive behaviour of supervisors,so see if you can locate and talk to somebody confidentialy.So put the head down,its not fair that this is happeining to you and it is definetly not your fault, but one day you will be free from her and take refuge in the fact that some brilliant and really lovely people were treated like dirt and overcame it all to success. Best of luck,stay positive and act as your own supervisor and motivate yourself. AL

Hello,

I know exactly how you are feeling. I am in my first year (still getting to know my supervisor), but we have such a huge personality clash. He is very blunt and direct, and doesn't give me any positive feedback on my work. He just constantly picks holes in what I do. At first I took this really to heart, and I was a nervous wreck around him. Now though, I have gotten used to him in my own way and dealing with his personality a bit better!

Hope things get easier for you too.

JD x