So hi guys. I'm here again to update my story on my sup who had a romantic interest in me. I was advised by many to change sups but unfortunately i couldn't due for many reasons particularly because i have gone far. Please make no mistake, my sup is a good person, very kind and all, generous, very workaholic, productive and my academic mentor. However, he is seriously flawed when it comes to women. Eversince i told him my stand, he respected that and presently he doesn't bug me anymore but now the issue is he still tells me things i do not solicit for nor want. For example he tells me details and i mean graphic details about his extramarital affairs especially recently when he almost got into trouble, he turned to me for advice. he also tells me about his home and wife and how things have long dissolved there. i have no choice but to listen and each time, i advise him to change and tell him i'll pray for him. i even encouraged him to confess to his wife about the extramarital affair which he said he did and she took well because they had drifted apart so she wasn't surprised. That was how i got in the mix and started playing marriage counsellor. Anyway i think i am dealing with him better and i have found a way to adjust to the things he tells me. i asked once why he tells me all these, and he said he has no one else to tell. that was when i urged him to tell his wife. I understand that one has to make sacrifices or pay some sort of price to get what you want, and if this is part of what i have to endure to get my PhD, then i'll manage. I never judge him, only reinforce my stand and encourage him to do what is right. i wish he would stop telling me these things and focus strictly on academia but no he apparently wont, and i don't wanna offend him because he gets so upset whenever i do. i'm still at his mercy for now, so i'll just try to be mature about it. it's all good. Pls your comments and advise are highly appreciated.

I think you do have a choice over how you handle this. Frankly if this is true you should spend a lot less time with him alone or do what's right and report him for it. Easy enough to record him on your phone.

This does sound like a very precarious situation and it's not one I would be willing to go on with. What's his reason for telling you 'graphic' details? Is he getting a kick out of it? You say he becomes upset if you say the wrong thing, so it sounds like you're trying to tiptoe round him all the time. That's not a good basis for supervision. I'm afraid I'd have to find some way of telling someone about it or changing supervisor.

You are also putting yourself in a dangerous position by giving him advice on his marriage. Who's to say he won't take it out on you when it all goes pear shaped? If I was in your position, I would insist to him that it is not my place to give advice and that he needs to see a professional counsellor about his marriage.

I think you need to report him immediately?

Probably telling her about affairs to show that other women are interested in him, probably talks about the bad marriage to communicate that she would not destroy anything if she would get engaged in an affair, probably tells her that she is the only one he could talk to to create some intimacy or sympathy....
He doesn't respect anything, he just changed his strategy. Obviously it is working pretty well, as he is a super nice guy and just a little flawed when it comes to women ;)

If I were you, I would gather some evidence like messages or maybe even record some conversations. Stop talking to him about personal stuff because this will redound upon you if this blows up at some point in the future. How would anyone believe you tried to keep it professional if you discuss marriage issues with him? It is of course a complicated situation but in my opinion you are not in his mercy at all. If you have some evidence and report him, he is absolutely done. No university can accept such a staff member and sexual harassment is serious. He will probably try that with the next girl in his group too and maybe she will cope with this worse than you do...

PS : A nice guy would NEVER get you in a situation like this, if you told him that it makes you uncomfortable and that you want to keep it professional. It rather seems that he lulled you in ;) No offense.

Hope you take some advice and act for your own good.

hi babygirl, thanks for sharing again. The first time you posted about this (some time ago, I can't remember when), you indicated that you were not going to change supervisor.

Now, you are also telling us you can't change supervisor.

So really, you are still in the same place you were before.

It is not professional for a supervisor to discuss women and love-life-information with a student. Perhaps he is feeding his own ego when he talks about it, he really feels good when he talks about it.

I don't think you need to continue to do this "sacrifice" to get your phd. Surely you have more self respect for yourself, by listening to him, you are already given in to his unprofessional demands to feed his bloated ego.

Since you don't want to change supervisor, you don't want to report him (as other people have suggested), so this means you will still continue to see this person just to get your phd, you'll have to stop him when he starts talking about non-academic stuff, stay away as much as you can, DO NOT continue to sympathise with this sleeze-ball, and DO NOT be tempted into getting physical with him!!! No matter what.

He is simply not worth it.

love satchi