Interpreting Supervisor Feelings
Others will disagree with me, however, age gaps don't seem to matter so much in academia as I've seen some massive age gaps in relationships I've not seen in the real world. If two people want to be with each other, what the hec (a general rule of thumb I guess I work to is once you're into your mid-to-late-20s, you know what you want and age doesn't matter)? Reading the above, it may be he fancies you too, however, you may be reading more into things in the hope something will happen. Are you absolutely sure you're not misreading a professional closeness with something more that does not actually exist.
However, it is a professional relationship you are supposed to be maintaining with your supervisor. Just suppose something does develop and it doesn't work out? You are there to do a PhD and I can't think of a worse situation than a relationshp failing and both of you trying to pick up the pieces of both his career and your PhD in the aftermath. Can you rely on both you and him to give your best should this happen?
At a guess, you're a second year PhD student. If you do decide to make some sort of move, at least wait until the PhD is finished with first. Then talk to him and decide what happens. But don't endanger you PhD and professional future before it's even begun.
One comment that does make me laugh is him warning you about being wary of other professors at conferences. They're so wrapped up in their subjects I don't think I'd give that a second thought. It's more likely that if anything is going to happen, it'll be between the younger post-docs and / or PhD students with no ties and are still single once they hit the bar in an evening. ;-)
Ian (Mackem_Beefy)
Yes. She shld not even think for a second of going there .................... She shld ignore all this stuff and focus on her work; anything else is only going to bring trouble. Sounds like a classic case of inappropriate expressions on the part of the supervisor and self-distraction on the part of the supervisee. Hard, I know, if you feel like this, but it spells danger in enormous red letters to someone of advanced years like me.
I've seen stuff like this develop before. More often than not, the 'crush' passes and both move on. It does read as he'll not cross the boundary as long as she doesn't give the signal. I hope for both of them profesionally this does not happen.
Examples: 1) A lecturer became involved with a student on another course while I was doing Masters. He thought the relationship was going somewhere, even to the point he booked a holiday for them both when the Masters ended. She ditched him as soon as she knew she'd passed, leaving him to pick up the pieces and bill for the holiday. He survived the experience, but was moved on quietly by the University a few years later when his contract ended. He was lucky to obtain a new post very quickly.
2) An academic at another University found himself exposed to blackmail when a student found out about his personal affairs. He was 'retired'.
3) I'm fairly sure a senior lecturer on my Masters had previously become involved with a student. In this case, they went on to have a family. However, this happy ever after was the exception rather than the rule.
The above is potentially very messy and I would not advise the opening poster to act on her feelings at least while she still is professionally involved with her supervisor.
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I had a crush on one of my own woman lecturers back at Masters, but knew to act would have been folly as most do. I know how it feels.
Ian (Mackem_Beefy)
Hello, I second what most of the others have said. When I first read the title of your thread my first thought was, why on earth would you want to know what your supervisor is feeling. Just listen to what he says about your work... You have a crush, it will pass. If you still have feelings for him after your PhD then you can think about the possibility of romance but even then tread very, very carefully.
The relationship we have with our supervisors can be confusing because it is a bit like a marriage: there has to be trust, cooperation and commitment, but don't let this fool you! Good luck, you've come so far now, don't let this damage things for you.
Thank you everyone for your advice. I most definitely wont act on my feelings (even if I wanted to I would be too nervous!) and even if he did have feelings for me I know he wouldn't either (although I have to admit to sometimes wishing that he would...). In a way it's a positive as I'm working hard to impress him, although I do find myself fantasizing which is distracting!
I gather you've a current boyfriend given the above and things aren't as they should be. What is wrong with that relationship that is making you think of your supervisor as an alternative? If so, have I picked upon a second issue?
As previously mentioned, do not get involved with him for the sake of your PhD and your own future. After the PhD, it's up to you as you can then walk away (though also beware job references - yup, another issue to think about). However, it's the here and now you need to consider. If you have problems with a current relationship that makes you think of your supervisor as an alternative, you need to resolve this issue first.
My thoughts are it would be better single and happy, rather than seeing your supervisor as an alternative to a relationship that might have run it's course that might mess up your own future. Apologies if I've on the wrong path.
Ian (Mackem_Beefy)
P.S. I will admit my own 'crush' had great legs. However, it was born out of her as a person full of empathy being there for me when I was going through a period of bad health. I now see her as a friend who was there when I needed a friend most. Don't confuse empathy with genuine feelings.
