Hi all, instead of a specific problem, I hope I can get some reassurance. I've just passed my upgrade and got good comments (woohoo) so am feeling a lot less stressed than I was a month ago but I still find myself worrying a lot about my future. I'm currently in my second year and I fully intend on submitting at the end of my third year, as long as I don't come up against any major obstacles.

I worry a lot about not having any conference papers or publications although I know that lots of people finish the PhD without these things. However, my department is extremely small and I know that a couple of the other students have done quite a few conferences and publications (the latter especially with the help of their supervisors, which makes me feel a bit bitter...). I am absolutely terrified of giving a presentation even though I know I am a good public speaker - it's the questions sections which fills me utter panic and dread. I nearly started crying in my upgrade assessment even though my examiners were lovely and didn't say anything bad! I felt like a basket case. Also, I simply don't have time to write publication-worthy papers because my thesis work takes up so much time.

I have a 4-year gap between undergrad and masters in which I did some good internships, I was unemployed, did some travelling, and there was a family bereavement which totally knocked me for six. This combination of things means I haven't ever had a 'proper' job and I'm nearly 30. I do think some of my internships are good but I still feel a bit juvenile when I look at my CV.

Lastly (!) I just got married to a fellow PhD student (in his first year in a very different field) and am constantly thinking about when we should start trying for a family. Ugh, I wish I could slap my brain and tell it to shut up!

Let's take one thing at a time.

You are worried about the future: this is normal. But instead of worrying, why not take one thing at a time? Make a little bit of progress every day. Schedule your work if you can. This way you can monitor what you are doing.

Second, you mention that you are worried because you have no publications. Well, many PhD students don't. Start with minor things: publishing a note, a book review, a conference report.

The same applies to conferences. Conferences are terrifying. The best thing to do is start with student conferences, then make your way up. Also, in my opinion, it is easier publishing in student conference proceedings. You need to get used to getting feedback (positive or negative). Otherwise, how will you improve your work?

Congratulations on getting married. Just remember: the package 'I find a job, get married, have kids' is utter social b****. Society won't tell you how to lead your life! Society will not raise your children! You are responsible for your own life and decisions.

If people are judgemental then they should mind their own business.
You have babies when you are ready, if you are ready! You are not a yoghurt to have an expiry date! You are a woman, a very educated woman!

Start believing in yourself and please do not compare yourself to other PhD students: it's like comparing oranges to apples. You are different people, with different skills - comparison is pointless.

Best wishes

Mara Sp.

Firstly well done on the good comments on your upgrade! I don't know what field you are in, but I'm in science and don't have any publications but everyone else I know does - my data is all coming together now at the end (with 4 months to go) and won't be ready for publication until after the PhD as my priority is getting that done first! I have done conferences but not with proceedings as that's not really the done thing in my field.

I had a 4 year gap too, I did a few sciency jobs but all temporary so not that much experience, and I spend about half of my energy worrying about future jobs, careers, whether I want to stay in academia, what else I could do etc. But I know it's silly and I need to start spending my energy on the PhD instead!

As for the starting a family part, I'm a similar age and I know how those hormones try to shout at you to have kids all day every day... I myself want to adopt, which means I need a steady job and house etc first to pass their strict assessments which will take another few years. But for having your own just do what you feel is best. I think there is never a perfect time so if you and your partner want them right away and have the stability to do so go for it! Or wait until you are both in jobs if that is what you want.

Hi Mara and Caro, thanks a lot for your responses. You made me feel better. Mara - big congrats on getting your PhD (saw on another thread!), and Caro, best of luck with your submission.

I know it's silly to keep worrying about these things. It's so easy (and common no doubt) to internalise these external pressures from supervisors and society whereas it'd be a lot healthier to let them wash over me and do my own thing. Sometimes I think if I don't worry about some of these things enough, I'll suddenly wake up three years from now and find myself lost or unhappy...

I like the suggestion of book and conference reviews. I'm going to look into how one goes about doing that. (or maybe I'll look into becoming an ice-cream taste tester, who knows)

I am glad you are taking it easy now, Nesrine. Remember not to worry to much about little things in life, if you can. Focus on the one you love, and of course, your PhD. If you need any advise with regards to book reviews, notes, and conference reports, I am happy to assist.

Hi Nesrine,

I'm going to take a bit of a different approach here. First, don't stress about the future to the point that you're making yourself ill (though trust me, I know that feeling, it's absolutely horrific). But do keep thinking about your future as to where you would like to go in a more positive way as opposed to a fearful way (a hard task indeed!). Also, congratulations!

The lack of industry experience may (and keyword here is *may*) come back to haunt you if you choose to leave academia. But don't let this concern you, look at the gaps and see what you can do to fill them, such as volunteer work and pro-bono consultancy work to help get your foot in the door. It's also about marketing your transferable skills and PhDs have plenty regarding research methodology, working in labs, etc.

Publications/conferences, look some PhDs go nuts. My PhD was only 3.5 years and during that time I only published one article, went/presented at one conference, and presented at postgrad symposiums at the uni but they were a requirement. But that was it, I didn't do anything else other than a heap of teaching. At the end, I've been offered a level A academic role at the uni for a year, to see how I like academia on the other side of the PhD fence.

With regards to the family, congratulations on getting married! I got married as well during the PhD, it's pretty crazy isn't it? But as others have said, don't let social expectations pressure you. You and your partner have to ask yourselves, do you want to start a family? Is this something you really want? Is this something that has to be through traditional means, or are you open to fostering/adoption? If yes, you want a family and yes, through traditional means, you unfortunately have to think about that stupid biological clock. Many women at 30 these days do struggle with conceiving children which is the unfortunate reality. IVF is becoming more prominent for many women, and something you may need to think about if you do want your own children and have issues conceiving. IVF can be very expensive.

You of course, don't have to have kids. While society says you do, you don't. That's entirely up to you and your partner. But if kids are on the cards, and you're concerned about your age, it might be wise to see a doctor about your options and get your partner's sperm count tested. Of course, this isn't 100% guaranteed, lots of miracle babies happen! But something you should be thinking a bit more critically about.

As others said, it's entirely up to you. Everyone is different. For instance, I am 35. I have the maternal instinct of a chair and no biological clock kicking. I never imagined myself being a mother and I don't pretend. I am childfree but I do respect others' desire to have children.

I have talked about motherhood with other female academics, and basically, they mention that there is no right timing for women to have babies in academia. A friend of mine had two children while doing her PhD, and when she graduated, she landed a job in academia straight away!

Yet, I know at least 3 female PhD students who never completed their course because they could not combine motherhood with PhD responsibilities.

I also met a lovely academic in a conference. She said to me that it took her 14 years to complete her PhD because she had a disabled baby - and it was difficult raising her son and do a PhD at the same time.

Awsoci is right: discuss it with a doctor if you like. Also, yes, volunteering will hopefully open many doors for you.

With regard to conferences, participation varies depending on the field you are studying. In some fields in the humanities (e.g. in law), attending conferences and publishing as much as possible is a must.

Hi all,

Thanks again for your thoughts, awsoci and marasp. I think constantly reminding myself to have a positive outlook on the future is certainly key. I think I worry about the bad things that could happen (or good things that won't happen!) because of negative experiences I've had in the past. Obviously I know I mustn't dwell on them but it's easy to fall back into these destructive thought patterns. I don't have a specific mental health issue but I sometimes think whether I should consult my university counsellor...I don't know how good the service is though. With regards to babies, I'd definitely want to wait until the PhD is all done and dusted. I know that I want to be a mum though, and my husband is so broody, it's not even funny. I'm definitely open to adoption so if my body say "no way!" then it's not the end of the world.

However, since posting my first message, I have had my request to write a book review for a good journal accepted, which I'm really chuffed about! I know it's not as prestigious as a 'proper' article but it'll be a big confidence boost to see my name in print. I have Caro to thank for that suggestion! And thanks for the suggestion about volunteer work. I think I'll look into that when I start my write-up and I'm more settled.

Counselling helped me a lot. It motivated me, it helped me sleep better and help me decide what I really want to do in life. But it all depends on who is doing the counselling. You need to be comfortable with your counsellor, otherwise it won't work.