I am afraid I am going to add another depressing message to the list. I got first class degrees for both my BA and Master and I am now doing a PhD. The problem is: throughout all these years my family never had a word of appreciation or support. Phone calls always end with: '...what's the use of it?' My partner is very supportive, but I just get very depressed and demotivated when I think about it as it is a weekly occurence. None of my parents have a degree and this probably explain their attitude, even though... I need a bit of sympathy.

have you told them that their continuos comments / enquiries are not helping? i always put my family, parents especially on the right line when they say stuff that is discouraging. i find that most of the time they have no clue about the effect of their comments. so i suggest you tell them - in the kindest way possible whilst being firm enough to make your point. don't simply stop calling them coz they are annoying - i once considered that option and its not worth it.

I had to laugh when I read your post, corinne - not at your misery, may I add, but at the image of my own mum that popped into my head. She did her best (in the past) to ask about my work but (even though i tried to explain simply) she soon got very obviously BORED of listening!! She's given up asking and actually glazes over if i volunteer information - can you believe it?!

I don't know which of our folks is worse.

Thank you jojo. I did try to tell them - especially my mother, but the effect lasts only for two weeks! However, I agree that I should try to keep these things aside. It's not always easy though. Insomniac, I loved your reply. It sounds very familiar. Perhaps we are relatives?

Hi Corinne, I think I've moaned about something similar on here once or twice. My Mum bless her knows I'm having a good time and a few beers so even though she doesn't really understand what I'm doing, she still knows I'm happy.

My Dad however is the one I get the same problems as you with. How to tell your parents that it's not all about how much money you'll be making?!!

the last thing my mum said when she heard i was having difficulties with my thesis was i'd better stsrt following my sups instructions and stop spending all my days hanging out with friends - mums!!!!!! i forgive her. she doesn't have a clue what she's on how am putting in all the hours i have into this and neither does she know what a PhD is all about. i always try to do what my sups say and because of my slow progress, i've been house-bouund since January. i remember the last time she dished her comments i just said nothing. there was this silence after her comments and i asked to speak to my dad instead. maybe that way she'll know that if she isn't supportive, we can't sustain conversation.

This is the point. Often things are already difficult on their own and you would expect your family to be understanding if not supportive. If by accident I complain about something even remotely connected to my PhD, my mother's attitude is: 'You are wasting your time there'. Unfortunately her idea of a woman's place doesn't match mine. In spite of the difficulties I cannot see the attraction of washing socks and ironing shirts or why I shouldn't manage both. Maybe it's just a problem of generation. You certainly need to be very motivated to achieve your objectives, but it is also empowering to see that you can manage it in spite of the difficulties.

Corinne, try and understand from you mum's point of view, how she was brought up and what she believes in. Yes it sounds very backwards but she probably doesn't realise that she is hurting you with these comments. I agree with the others, I think you should sit down with her and have a chat about how demotivated she makes you feel.

My mum still wishes I hadn't started my Phd, especially with her sister's daughters both buying their own houses etc she feels very envious that it's going to take me a bit longer to get to that settled stage. She lets me know how she feels. However she is still supportive, telling me to make sure I'm working hard and not worry about other small matters as this is really important to my life.

wow - houses H. my parents haven't mentioned those yet as most of my peers don't have them yet. they usually come at me when they hear how someone i went to school with has a good job and everytime a friend of mine or their friend's child get married. parents!! they are less direct than Corrine's tho - my dad tends to say, 'there's more to life... bla bla.' he doesn't mention what. though he once said that being an intellectual is not what life is about, its about getting a well paying job and amassing wealth. i choose to put these things at arms length - i hear them but i do not act upon then. i will act on them when i graduate - right now, no. Sorry, your mum said that Corrine.

so for mispelling your name - corinne.

I've just come back after a morning of wild research at the library and it was nice to find your messages. Thanks to you all! I think you are probably right jojo, it's probably down to different values. My mother probably sees my academic successes and compares them with her failure to build something for herself, which thing of course I take into account. For this very reason I would expect support from her side. My Dad has a more laid back approach, and probably thinks that this is a pastime...Anyway, it's great to be able to share this with other people who can understand. It makes a great difference to my mood!