Hi Everyone,

I was just wondering how much support people get from there non-scientific friends. I am currently writing my thesis and need to submit this by the end of September. Most of my friends are in jobs that are not science-based. The problem i am having is that some of them are not very understanding. Most of them live around a 2 hour drive away and I have had to turn down a few invites to meet because of my deadlines etc. I am not a complete hermit at the minute! but i do feel i have to put my work first at the moment. This won't be forever but my friends don't seem to appreciate this. None of them ever ask me how it is going which is quite hurtful. I am quite emotional at the moment anyway what with trying to get things finished and also looking for jobs, but i wish my friends could be a little more understanding. Anyone else had similar issues?

Yes, I've had similar issues. But not with non-scientific friends, but with non-PhD friends....I'm not sure why being non-scientific/scientific makes any difference.

You are absolutely right, it doesn't make any difference!!! I should have worded the post "non PhD friends" so sorry about that!!!

Incidently, how do you cope with your situation? Do you just forget about it or have you approached your friends if things have been particularly bad?

Yes, being a non-science PhD you hurt my feeling there

I have given up trying to justify the workload/lack of money involved in my PhD etc with friends, and a lot of friends have disappeared. I have one friend who always seeks to demote the worth of my PhD, and another who likes to bash the value of any higher education.

I suppose one has to look at the old adage that if they are real friends, they'll understand. Maybe you could look at fellow PhD students for friendshp?

I also think the green-eyed monster occasionally comes into play with non-PhD friends.

Hi again,

Thanks for the advice and sorry again about the way i worded the post!! The last thing i want to do is hurt any one's feelings, i know what that is like at the minute and it is awful! Anyway,sorry again, i think i should only start topics if i think a bit more carefully and am not so over tired!

This is such a hard one--friends and your all consuming PhD. One of my good supportive friends ( who is an academic herself) put it simply that you need to be surrounded by people who are supportive, who value you and what you are doing, even if they don't fully "get it", its not a hard stretch to say that if its important to you, that they should value it for that, and if people aren't supportive and understanding, who needs them? They just feed negative energy into an already stressful and short of time situation.

She was right. I stopped putting any energy into friendships that did not value or at least try to understand the importance to me of the PhD and its demands. I got a real "buzz" out of friends who think its great, that are encouraging, and TRY to understand my basic overview of what I am doing, and ask questions, etc. They feed good energy into the whole process. The vampires, the negative ones that suck the energy out of you, are simply not worth dealing with. Why are they negative and unsupportive? I come away with that at some level, they are envious or jealous, and unable to overcome their own selfishness to be supportive of another--and in that case, fail the most basic definition of a friend.

But, its a balance. I have to remember to be interested and supportive of my friends' lives and pursuits, be it their family, their children, their artwork, their career, whatever. I ask about that, and try to make sure that what THEY are doing is no more and no less important than ME when we get together. Indeed, sometimes, its a relief to think about and talk about anything else besides the blooming PhD.

Tractorgirl - I was only joking about my feeling :)

Olivia's advice is spot on.

I agree totally with Olivia. I would say I found out who my real friends were when I dropped out of my PhD. Most were supportive but not all were...

What brilliant advice, thanks ever so much everyone x

I think it's very hard when family are unsupportive. You can't just drop them!

Tractorgirl, I totally understand how you feel! I am feeling that too.


no one outside the phd world understands the stress. some people make it sound like oh what you're going through is nothing compared to x y z. yah sure in the grande scheme of things it isn't and people have it far worse, but you still cant help feeling stressed and on the edge. if only we could control our feelings like a switch.

I know its really annoying when those around you are often very unsupportive. This is your time to work though and you must put yourself and your work first. If they dont understand at the moment then perhaps you can catch up with them when your are done. What youre doing is a difficult process and ultimately its for you. So dont worry about it
x

@Smilodon, yes, you are right its so different with family v. friends. If its only distant family you don't see that much, is there opinion that important? If its near family, of course, that is hard, because you spend so much time and emotion in being a part of that family circle. I am fortunate on this score I guess, my family has moved from thinking the PhD was some sort of insane indulgence to valuing it as important to me ( and even thinking its glamorous to live in Bleak Towers and live abroad!). My dad even read some of my rough chapter drafts to try to understand what I was writing about! Sainthood for him!!!