This is too embarrassing, but I feel I need help.

During my first year and second year study, my supervisor asked me to teach but I refused, because I never took the subject courses in the past. (Excuse)During my undergraduate and master studies, I was studying in a different faculty/field and what I've learnt is not necessary for the current faculty. I think it would be not good for the students if I who doesn't understand the subject teach and I have absolutely no confidence to teach.

Now other master students got the teaching, so I probably will get no chance to teach. If possible I don't want to because I thought I just wanted to try finish my PhD because I am in the beginning of my last year now. I am too underqualified and slow (honestly I just got lucky until now because the administration etc were loose with me so I got the PhD offer). I am in PhD so I should understand better, but sadly the undergrads understand better than me. I feel extremely inferior and distress even in a discussion environment.

I had my proposal defense 1 and half year after starting PhD. I also still have no published paper in journals yet. I was thinking to quit in previous years but recently I thought that even if I am going to fail, why not I try my best for these last months? I really need to produce many more results to graduate and I’m falling back behind the schedule. I want to focus on finishing the PhD but this no-teaching-experience thing really distress me. Is the right thing for me now is not to teach and focus on finishing? I still have no confidence in teaching though and I think I am going to fail my PhD.

I was going to share some of this in the Last Year Support thread but I guess this is too negative to be in there. Your advice is much appreciated. Sorry for any inconveniences.

Okay, where to start?

First, clearly they have seen something in you, otherwise you wouldn't have got the offer. So skip the "I am underquailfied and not worth doing the phD attitude." It won't help you at this late stage of your project - so if possible move the thoughts back in your brain and tell them that you will attend to them at a later stage (aka when the project is finished). No time for doubt at the moment ;-). Btw, if you have time, google "imposter syndrome" - hits us all from time to time.

Do you have some friends which understand at least part of your work? You clearly need some "outside" eyes - I honestly doubt that a second year phD student knows less than the bachelors. You need somebody not biased (and preferable honest if possible) to evaluate what you know and where you need to improve. Whats the opinion of your supervisor about your work? Is he generaly happy with your work? Or has he suggestions where to improve?

Then the teaching experience - if I would have gotten one cent for every teacher which doesn't fully understand the subject he is teaching until now I would be very rich.. Most of them are not experts in the field, as long as you prepare your lectures well in advance you are more or less safe. Depends if you have to teach bachelors ( you won't get in-depth questions but bored students) or masters (more in-depth questions but less bored). Why do you absolutely need the teaching experience? Do you want to stay in academia? You know that you than have to teach on a regular basis?

Last, I would seek counsel for the "distressed in discussions" part. You will have to defend your thesis at the end of your phD and the examiners will engage you in a discussion. You can't avoid that - so you should start to work on your confidence. In a year, you can get far with the right counsel - trust me, been there, done that ;-)

Hi RinaL, thank you very much for your encouragement!

Yes, it seems that I trapped myself again in the impostor syndrome. I take your advice to remember to tell myself when the symptom occur - "Okay, miss impostor, i'll hear you out after the project finished, kay?" :D

Honest friends in work indeed are important. Thank you for pointing out that. Currently I have none maybe because I feel stress in discussion (results of the impostor syndrome). I'm going to counselling tomorrow to work on confidence. Hopefully I can start discussing with some friends naturally without fear.

Teaching - thank you for telling me about it. Seems that I freaked myself out too much.

Thank you sooo much. I'm going to make this work. Wish you all the best in your whole life!

Hi SecondWing,

RinaL offers some very good advice. Can I offer a little bit more that may help?

As RinaL pointed out, impostor syndrome is rife in academia. I doubt that your real abilities are reflected in your confidence and estimations of yourself, but it won't help for me, a stranger who hasn't read your work, to tell you that. RinaL makes a great suggestion to get someone you fully trust to read and comment on your work. Luckily I found someone who could fulfill this role for me. It could be your supervisor but it doesn't have to be. You just have to trust their opinion and know they will be honest.

In terms of the teaching, I think you should forget about it for right now. Not because you can't do it - because right now you are beating yourself up about not feeling confident in what you are already doing - you don't need to add to that list right now! One thing at a time.

To that end, progress helps you build confidence, but as you also know lack of progress kills confidence. You need to get more progress. One way to do this is to make lists of all the tasks you see that need doing, making the tasks as small and specific as possible. Then as you start working through them you can starting ticking them off. Start with something manageable and work your way slowly through the list. If you get overwhelmed and don't know where to start - ask for help.

Finally, with writing - don't let perfectionism prevent you. Just write. No one has to read it until you are ready for them to. Writing anything down helps, because you can go back and edit it and add to it and delete stuff until it starts to look like what you want it to. Writing nothing leaves you staring at a blank page. When you are doing, you are much less likely to muse and wonder what you are doing wrong and worry about how much better everyone else is doing. I get it - I have been there and am still fighting my way through, but my PhD is done! You can do it too. But don't put so much pressure on yourself - focus on getting something, even something that seems small, done each day. Small equals progress too, and even little bits of progress help you build confidence in yourself and feel that you deserve it. Good luck!