Hi all,

I am looking for some advice with how to deal with a very sad situation I am going through. I started my PhD last summer, and am just over a year in now. In October last year my step-father (who is like a second father to me) was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He responded very well to treatment, but the diseases is so aggressive that it came back almost immediately and he wasn't strong enough for further medication. We are now at a stage where we are looking at losing him in days or at the most a couple of weeks.

I am obviously distraught, as are the rest of my family. I haven't been able to settle to do any significant work on my PhD since mid-June when we found out how bad things are. My supervisors are very understanding on the whole. I said I would try to work from home a bit, but really struggled to concentrate - mostly because there were interruptions (either to help with caring for my step-dad, or to spend some time doing things with him), so I never seemed to get more than 20 minutes at a time to actually get down to work. This is a really busy time for my research, and one of my supervisors was happy for me to work from home, but I think expected me to manage a near-normal workload, which I'm now realising I have no chance of achieving.

I am thinking about requesting to take some time off, but have no idea whether I will need a week, two weeks, a month, etc., as I want to be able to help my Mum deal with the aftermath of everything.

I just wondered if anyone had any advice as to what the process is when this kind of thing happens? Is it acceptable to take time off and get an extension? Or are you expected to take a couple of weeks off and then try and get back into your work?

Thanks.

Hidagarde, I am so sorry to hear about your sad situation. Everyone deals with illness and bereavement in different ways so I can only talk about my personal situation. My mum died a a few months after I started my PhD and to help me deal with it I carried on working hoping ot would give me something to focus on. I don't think I really worked very hard in my first year and I had issues with other things like a change of supervisor and also my relationship breaking down. I think having my PhD helped me keep grounded as it was something I had to keep working at. I'm not sure what would have happened if I had taken a break then.
If you do take time off then you need to think about practical things like funding - will you need to get a job? It might be better to carry on with the Phd which will be more flexible than a job (depending on what discipline you are in). However, if you take time off - say three or six months - you can still work on your PhD when you have time, and then when you resume your studies you will be on track still hopefully.
As I said everyone deals with things differently and I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

Hi,

I have been working as a teacher in a college this year, and completing a PGCE during the evenings.

My Dad died in March. I was, and I am still, devastated.

It's hard to know how long you need. I took 2 weeks off, and then went back to work and my studies. It was horrible and hard, but it was horrible and hard either way. I just got on with work during the day (with the occasional emotional outburst). If your PHD is important to you, I would continue, but give yourself time to grieve each day. Allocate yourself some non-work time to let yourself be emotional. With a job, it's easier. I would drive away from work and within 5 minutes in the car be sobbing, every day.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It isn't fair and it sucks.

I've written about grief on my blog if you would like to read, http://teainteacher.blogspot.co.uk/. Obviously my feelings are lot more complex and I haven't shared a great deal.

If you want to message me, send me your email through the blog. I'm happy to talk.

Take care of yourself. xx

Just saw your post and wanted to give support. First, I'm really sorry to hear your news - and please know right here you will find so much support - and personally, I am wishing you well. My journey through my PhD was really tricky. I lost my mother and my brother. I then went through a fair bit of of heartache. I have tried nearly all the options you have placed forward following grief. To be honest requesting an extenuating circumstance (and a formal request for three months off) would be really helpful at this point. What is important is your family and you. A PhD is great - and you will achieve it - but it will still be there for you to collect once you are ready. Take heart in knowing that you have so much to give and offer, both to your family and your work. But looking after you first - will end up improving your life, and your PhD work in the future. Keep your chin up - little Bea and I will be cheering you on.

Hello Hildagarde,

I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. Like you, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer during my program. My way of coping with it was to take time off from my program so that I could take care of him at home, in hospice care. He wanted to die at home, and while we could have just hired a full-time nurse, it was an opportunity to spend quality time together. In retrospect, it seemed reassuring to him to have someone to talk with every day during a frightening and emotional time. My supervisor and friends supported the decision. Some professors and colleagues were not as understanding, and would ask questions such as, "What are you going to do all day?" Anyone who asks that has never looked after a terminally ill person.

One of the things you should consider is that while your mother needs your emotional support right now, it will be even more important right after your dad passes. The problem for a widowed person is that everyone "disappears" once the funeral is over, and that person is left to cope with the day-to-day tasks alone. For example, if your dad is the one who usually takes care of the bills and household accounting, maintaining the car, etc., your mother is going to need you to pick up the slack. Even if she's a strong person, there will be times that she will be overwhelmed, and you'll need to make yourself accessible to help her.

As far as how much time to ask for, people are different when it comes to coping with loss. Some people cope better by keeping busy, and jumping back into a work routine. Other people need time away, and don't feel up to facing a lot of people right away. Do whatever's healthiest for your emotional well-being.

Another thing you may consider later is bereavement counseling. If it turns out that you need more time than expected, the counselor will be able to provide the university with a letter, or documentation, to support the request for an extension.

I hope I don't sound like a jerk, but it might not be realistic to think that you can work as productively as usual from home right now. If 20 minutes per day is all you can do, that's good enough. The time you have with your father is so precious, and deserving of your attention.

Just as a disclaimer, I've always spent a lot of time with family even before my father became ill, so my decision wasn't an attempt to make up for loss time, or anything like that. It was just my way of coping.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best as you accept life's changes with grace.