Hello ladies,

I'm a married woman doing a PhD in the third year... I know all the PhD students face a lot of problems.. but I think the married students have special type of problems, housework, shopping, visitors, may be kids and husband... In Switzerland, there are a programme for all married woman doing PhD in all Swiss universities .. they divide the ladies in small groups and there is a supervisor for each group. They support each other and learn from their experiences.. and every 3 moths there is a meeting for all the ladies in the programme... it is really nice programme.... However, I think it is impossible to do the same here... but at least we can help and support each other in this thread... Hope you like the idea...

I think that's brilliant, if only we had the same in the UK! I'm not quite married yet (1 month to go!) but I think it's a great idea!

Hi there,

Yep I agree there are extra commitments being married.

Visiting family is one - family expect regular visits and sometimes moan about me "always having my nose in a book".
Both my husband and I have divorced parents so 4 sets of family plus the expected visits around the country for extended family.
Not easy getting family to understand the work load!

Fortunately I have a very supportive husband.
Housework is one thing that suffers... thinking my daughter is getting to an age where she could do the dusting - make a nice change from frantically hoovering every surface when the family visit.:-)

Waddett you almost talk about me with some differences ... I don't have any of my family in my city... all the visitors are my husband's relatives.. aunt 1 aunt 2 aunt 3... etc :-) and of course I hear lot of nice comments about my study... they consider me selfish... my husband says that he supports me better than any man on the earth can do... but if fact he is not at all... in contrary he puts huge pressure on me... Last week I send a Chapter to my supervisor... when I told him that I saw a strange thing in his eyes... he wasn't happy at all...:-(

I find being married and doing a full-time PhD to be a real balancing act. My wife, who is extremely supportive and has contributed so much to me getting where I am today, nonetheless does seem to harbour intentions for me to work within normal 9-5 hours, which is very difficult to do when you're trying to self-motivate yourself and work when the ideas come to you.

She also looks to me to spend the entire weekend work-free, which is, like someone else just said, usually spent doing the 'family' rounds, both hers and mine, and any other time is quality time between us or seeing friends in the evening.

That leaves me approximately about 35 hours a week to do my work, which just isn't enough. So when I go beyond this, which is often, it can sometimes spark a bit of a conflict.

Furthermore, as I work from home a lot reading and writing up, I am expected - and perhaps rightly so - to do most of the house work and even contribute to cooking. It is difficult as a 28 year old male to take these rols on, and sometimes I do find it hard. But I guess at the end of the day no matter how hard I work, I'm far more lucky than those who go out and slog in an office etc, so I don't mind it as much.

But you're definitely right - doing a PhD as a married partner can present its own challenges.

Same pressures apply when living with your partner. Although my boyfriend and I have been living together for 5 years, since my final year of undergrad, now in 2nd year PhD, it's still a balancing act trying to spend time together and do all the other stuff. Luckily at least I know if/when we ever get married things probably won't change much. I work from home most of the time and he works shifts, I do all the cooking but housework is split fairly evenly. His shift work means that sometimes, especially if I have to go into the office, that we just won't see each other for 24 hours or longer even though we are sharing a bed!

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I actually think it's a really bad idea.

Rather than create divisions (and somewhat arbitrary ones at that) it would be a lot healthier if academia recognised that having a real life outside of work is a healthy and normal thing, and people should not be expected to sacrifice that to the cause of knowledge advancement.

I don't deny that juggling married life with academia is tough, but I don't see what makes it uniquely more of a challenge than, say, caring for an elderly relative, being a parent, having health issues of one's own etc.

Life is a challenge. Academia shouldn't deny that or resort to tokenistic 'solutions' to single out subgroups.

[Edited to add: I'm really not denying the challenges that marital status can bring to an academic career, and I hope that people in that situation find support and recognition in this thread. I just find the idea of singling out *married women* for support, as described in the opening post, a really weird idea, and pretty excluding]

I agree Hazyjane. I'm married and don't think it adds any more/less demands than e.g being a parent, caring for someone etc. The UK is also no longer living in the prehistoric ages where married women do all the housework/shopping/'caring' for their husbands, although obviously culture plays a role here.

I can't imagine anything worse than going to a programme specifically for 'married ladies', as if we would need some special group for support! Everyone has demands in their lives so, as Hazyjane added, singling out married women and suggesting that they have 'special types of problems' isn't good in my opinion. That isn't to mention that many people are in long-term relationships and aren't married!

If people do find this thread useful, then that's great. But then this could start cliques on what is meant to be an overall supportive forum. I could happily start a 'support thread for people completing a PhD who also have an out of control puppy', but I think in life we all have problems and the key thing we have in common here is our PhD, so we can all support each other through it.

I really didn't think about it on that level, but I can see why people would disagree with it on the basis that you may feel singled out/excluded. However we can't deny the fact that women have a complex role in society where we're under pressure in terms of both our career potential, starting a family and then in the majority of cases having to look after a child, a home and juggle a career too. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to recognise that. Please let's not start a debate about feminism, equity etc because I am fully supportive of women being equal in society, but we arguably have more pressure on us than our male counterparts in terms of our career potential IF we make the decision to have children. Why is it wrong to recognise that? I don't think Emaa's intention was to say that women in Switzerland are "singled out", I think it's just recognised that we have a certain amount of pressure on us. I also recognise the fact that many women make the choice not to have children and I am totally supportive of that too. In fact, if anyone has successfully managed to juggle a career in academia and being a mother then I would love to hear from you!

Please let's not all take this so seriously!
8-)

p.s. I can't help but say, no-one gets upset about the PhD mums/PhD parents threads do they?! Why is this thread any different? I'm not trying to provoke, I am genuinely interested to hear your views.

Lindalou83 I totally agree with you.. Since I'm doing my PhD in a Swiss University I received the invitation to participate in this programme.. but I couldn't because I have to travel a lot so I'll miss most of the meetings... But in the invitation the wrote that they noticed that a notable number of married women doing PhD in Swiss university during the last ten years didn't finish their thesis or take more semesters to finish it.... I think that noticing and acknowledging a problem and searching for a solution is better than ignore it.
From my experience, last year my husband was doing a master, I had to do all the house work, shopping... etc. Both of us had almost the same deadline to submit work. while he could finish his work on time I couldn't because I had to do all things particularly cooking for his friends who came everyday to help him... another story... last summer his family came to visit us for 2 months. I was totally busy with them, they didn't help me in doing anything... So I couldn't make any progress in my thesis for 2 moths...

I have to say I agree with Hazyjane and Button. It feels a bit patronising to me to single out women who can't cope with their phd because they had to do the housework!! As mentioned by others, everyone has different factors in their lives that may cause a distraction or mean that they occasionally let their studies slide a bit, and singling out married women isn't particularly helpful. If you are struggling around the home - get your husband to help out more. If family are coming to stay and getting in the way - don't let them visit!!

Don't get me wrong, I am not against people starting a thread on here for moral support for whatever situation they like - but I would object to my university setting up a 'ladies group'!! It feels as if we've stepped back into the 50s and are saying that poor ladies are too weak and pathetic to cope on their own with the cooking and cleaning, so we need to look after them give them extra help. It just doesn't sit right with me at all. Why aren't married men having the same issues? Don't they ever have to help around the house or with the kids?!

However, I will repeat - I have no objection to people coming on here for a moan about their busy lives, we all need that extra support from time to time and getting it all out on here can be very helpful, as I know from experience :-)

You know Smoobles, when his family (parents and a single old sister) came to visit us, they didn't even ask me if it's okay for me.. they booked the flight and came... I couldn't say anything because that mean I hate his family and lot of arguments... my be my husband is not an understanding man...

I am a bit upset that my post has been taken out of context. I wasn't implying that I thought women should be treated in a different way. I think it's great that universities in Switzerland are offering support, I don't care if it's for married women, married men, unmarried people, PhD parents, PhD grandparents, pet owners, aliens, polar bears, whatever! I just think any kind of support, for anyone, from a university, is great!

Certainly didn't mean to upset anyone so sorry if I did :-(

Although actually Lindalou, my comment was in direct response to Emaa's initial post, which did specifically single out married women. However, Lindalou I agree completely with you that everyone should have lots of support for any problems/issues etc, and hopefully that's what this forum is good at!!