Hi all

I've been working on my PhD since February this year. I will have lots of different projects, but my first has involved preparing rock samples to dissolve from different locations in one formation, and seeing the fossils that come out. I've had problems with it though: I wasn't supplied with all the data I needed to make the right decisions, I ended up getting very badly clinically depressed (since I had moved to a new country for my phd, among other things), and I straight up made some rather confused and boneheaded mistakes, which includes accidentally contaminating material and mixing up specimens to be dissolved.

I wanted to publish such a good paper for my first project, with wide ranging conclusions and greater relevance in my field. My supervisor isn't worried, and neither is anyone else I speak to, since I still do have good data on the species present etc, but my mistakes have really knocked me down and limited some of the wider implications of my project. Every time I find something new or unexpected (I recently found new species in material I hadn't checked for a few months) my first thought is that I've made another mistake, and even if I haven't, what "percentage" likelihood do I need to be able to be sure of something to publish? I don't remember contaminating anything, but I can admit it's possible, and memory is a poor witness. I guess this shows the absolute importance of notes (mine have been scrappy at best).

I feel like an imposter--like a braindead gibbon could do a better effort than me. Every new potential error knocks me down, and makes me paranoid that I've messed up. Things I was sure about before I'm no longer sure about. Mostly I'm scared of letting my incredibly kind and understanding supervisor down, being declared a fraud, or letting down the uni who lent us the material in the first place. I suppose it sucks to be both ambitious and disorganised.

I think making these errors is all part of the research process - we all know of the stories of 'accidents' producing great things! If your supervisors are happy, you are doing well. Also look up 'imposter syndrome'.

Everyone makes mistakes, don't be so harsh on yourself. The further through my PhD I get (just got a few months left) the more I see that most of the published projects in my field are terrible science, with some jazzy language to make them sound better than they are. I've actually heard my eminent scientists talk about how they bodged experiments or had to change hypotheses or fiddle with data as it showed something it wasn't meant to! It's awful and I don't believe in that kind of thing but it makes me realise the few mistakes I have made are nothing compared to some high-up people! So take a deep breath, realise a PhD is a training exercise and that you have learned from your mistakes which is what it is all about!

Hey all.

My paranoia has just been building since three weeks ago. The fact that I could have done something wrong without knowing or recording it has really made me doubt absolutely everything. My confidence is shaken, and given my poor notes I can't deal with things now.

I'm not sure what to do about one sample which I ended up contaminating with useless small rock fragments (I checked through the material several times and could find nothing). But I can't be sure. I could only really tell before that I hadn't made a mistaken in that sample because all the material in it was the same as earlier records. But now I've found two good specimens of a species that I had only described fragments of from the sample before. I might have had the confidence before to say that I had found them pre-contamination. But now I can't even do that, and I'm scared they'll end up to be similar-but-slightly-different species. I doubt there's evidence to say that, but maybe someone in 10+ years will prove otherwise. I should probably say the sample was contaminated too.

I don't know how to justify to the university who leant us this material the mistakes I've made, and what to include or not, without seeming like a moron. I've made claims to them before that some mixed material I had to work was labelled that way on the rocks, even though I wasn't entirely sure of that, and since then I've found evidence they probably weren't, and they were just separately labelled rocks that had somehow been bundled together. I don't want to spark a major diplomatic row. My supervisor continues to tell me to just let the samples leave my mind and do the best I have, but the paranoia and fear is quite literally destroying me. I'm not eating much, hardly sleeping (but spending a long time in bed), and considering suicide.

(Continued, sorry)

Even though my university literally CAN'T fire me, I don't want to put mine or my supervisor's reputation through the wringer.

I think the issue now is somehow finding confidence in my results, in which case I can publish without worry. My supervisor has even told me that the main focus is identifying the species, and that I shouldn't worry about mistakes in where they came from if I don't know for sure. If I'm confident then it'll show in my answers, and I'll be able to live with my own decisions and justify them when asked. If not, it'll just all fall apart and I could (a distantl could) be accused of fraud.

It's a shame though: everyone I've spoken to in my department either doesn't care (in a good way) about my mistakes or says that I shouldn't worry as much. I've tried. I guess it's hard to though when you wanted to do a brilliant first project.

I'm trying to take a break for Christmas, but I'm off to a conference tomorrow and the fear of being a fraud is breaking me.

Not getting a publication from your first project is very unlikely to be an issue (in fact publishing so early in my subject would be a no-no, as the quality is unlikely to be there yet as you learn new skills, so I wonder if you are being a bit unrealistic). But for goodness sake don't get into the habit of covering up mistakes and being dishonest about the results to try and get a publication - that is the sort of behaviour that really does come back to bite you (google retractionwatch or pubpeer for some examples). I would just accept that you made some errors and that the results aren't strong enough for publication. It happens - you learn from it and you know you won't make the same mistake again. Retracted publications / or lots of doubts about your work on sites like pubpeer are the things that really do end careers.

You really are expecting far too much from yourself, I doubt anyone with a PhD did so without at least one major error. It's how we learn and get better. I would go with the advice of your supervisors as they know the subject best. I identify species in my PhD and I bet if I went through my samples again and again I'd find tonnes of mistakes, but that is expected, you have a large number of things to find and ID in a short space of time there is a margin of error that comes along with that (I did this in an official government capacity before the PhD and they actually had a statistic on how many species you could miss when picking them out and how many you could mis-ID and it was a fairly generous amount and that was going with EU law so don't be so hard on yourself for missing one or two things!). You will get better the more samples you do but no one is ever perfect. If you are feeling so down please please contact a counsellor or go to your GP, your PhD is not worth your health, you are more important!

Dear Windgury,

From what I understand, you are conducting experiments. Every experiment allows the possibility of human error. This is part of the experiment. Rather than getting disappointed, hold on to what you have got, and publish what is worth publishing. Remember, you are a doctoral students! Nobody expects you to be perfect!

I can't give advice on what you should do, but just for the morale support, I know a little of how you feel. I made a major mistake in the Summer (well, it was major to my mind, and made me cringe for months afterwards). No one else really cares after a while. And after a given time, neither will you. Also, seeing the positive side helps. My mistake helped me to be more diligent in terms of double checking things. It is awful when you're lying in bed thinking, "oh no, what if I did that wrong too... I can't be 100% sure...". It also helps build your resilience (if you are bothered about what people may think of you - which I sure was). I hope you make a decision you're happy with and also that you stop being eaten up by the mistake. Best of luck with everything.