sometimes family can be so unsupportive.

i was just speaking to my mum when she asked when i was finishing ' that thing am writing.' i said feb. she went like: 'i thought you were finishing this month?!' i always tell her the next month because they just don't get how hard it is and keep nagging. fair enough i've done 4 years and am onto my fifth aiming for 4.5 does not mean am inadequate.

i feel so low.. somebody lift me up.

i know this is not meant to get me down and am supposed to understand she's not that educated and only means well, but.. am only human. it doesn't help that am relying on them for finances in the final writing up stages, which i plan to pay back when i start working.

i feel like they really regret having me in the first place. :-( probably extreme, but that is just how i feel.. and sadly, i feel like that at 27.:-(

ok.. i've got it off my chest now.:-)

Its difficult when people close to you don't really understand what you're doing, and the point of MSc/PhD work can be so difficult to explain as well, particularly when you're unlikely to make any major scientific breakthroughs, or anything else that they can be essentially 'proud' of you achieving, if that makes sense - they just see you slaving away for little money, without really realising what its all for.

I'm in psychology/sociology, so to an 'outsider' the point of it is quite difficult to get at, and sometimes it is to me as well - all I know is that I enjoy it and want to make a career out of it...but sometimes I do wonder about the actual point of the research, I'm never going to save any lives or make a real difference to anyone's life. To some members of my family who ask questions I just say its like being an author, but for a specific audience, and with a prospect of teaching in a university - thats all I think I can say at the moment because I don't know what direction my career is really going to go in.

I don't think your mum is being unsupportive at all, she is helping you out financially after all, she just doesn't really understand. Maybe she's nagging because she wants to see you at the next stage of your career and without the stress of your PhD hanging over you (and probably responsible in part for you feeling like this). I'm sure by the end of it, when you've passed your viva and you're Dr. Jojo, she'll be the proudest mum in the world!! Natassia x

Sorry to hear this jojo - i too know it is difficult to explain to family and friends what a PhD is and why it is such hard work! You are not alone in that respects

Not really sure what else to say, but wanted to let you know you are not the only one like that (((hug)))

I'm sure that there is no way they regret having you - they are clearly proud of you or they wouldn't be supporting you financially. Clearly they love you :-)

xxx

Awww, poor you! The last thing you need on top of all the pressure of writing up. Well, firstly, not many people finish in three years anyway regardless of how hard they work. Some projects just take longer than that, some projects have extra bits added in along the way, some people like to publish as they go along and therefore take a bit longer, some are relying on participants with particular characteristics volunteering to take part....there are a million reasons why people take more than three years. So you shouldn't feel bad about that. Secondly, most people don't really know what it's like to do a PhD and have no idea what is involved or why it is such a long piece of work, so they don't necessarily understand the pressures involved- perhaps your mum just genuinely doesn't realise what a big job it is. But I bet she'll be damn proud when you finish and they have a dr.jojo in the family! And that's the main point really- you are so near finishing, which is a huge achievement in itself! Try not to take it to heart and just bear in mind how close you are to finishing, and show them all the work you have done so they realise just what a huge job it is and how hard you have been working! And also....maybe she's just having a shit day and took it out on you- it's easy done! Good luck with it all! KB

You're writing up and you're only 27!!! Yeaaaaaaaah!! :) I'm 24 and have only just started and can only HOPE to be in your position in a few years. Lots and lots of people your age who have gone down a more conventional career path (after undergrad) will have only been working for 3-4 years (if that), will not necessarily have saved a penny, and may be in unsecured jobs or thankless jobs. Soon you will have a PhD, so just think of the sense of achievement which is just around the corner. You have plenty of time to do something amazing with it, and to (secretly) bask in your own glory for a while. The end is in sight: GOOD LUCK.

PS. My parents are EXACTLY the same. You just have to take it in your stride (they are very proud, I'm sure)

Hi JoJo, I think its hard for others to understand what it means to do a PhD and that deadlines always get moved around.
February is really not very far away at all, two more full months away. I am sure your mum is so proud of you and just worries for you.

I know people who do take the full time to write up and I always look to them as examples of inspiration because they did it in the end. You know you will finish, you are not writing a thread to say that you don't think you can finish but that it's taking a bit more time. You will get there, all those years of work are now coming to the end and that's what is great. Best of luck over the next few months you are almost there.

Hey JoJo,

Don't feel too low. My family is the same. I'm the only one to have gone through uni, and while I know my family are really proud of me, sometimes they do/ say stuff unintentionally which can make me feel pretty hurt. Just know that they don't say it on purpose. I remember when I got my first paper published. I was so excited I could have screamed and as soon as it came out in print I emailed a copy to my mom. She still hasn't read it. That hurt for a while until I found out she'd sent it to all her friends to read, and that tells me she's proud.

I'm sure your mom is just eager for you to finish so she can introduce you as "Dr JoJo, my amazingly talented daughter", and it won't be long until she can. February is not far off!!

Good luck with the write up!

Sorry to hear about this! Like the others have said already this whole PhD thing can be difficult to explain to people outside academia. I"m sure she didn't mean to sound unsupportive. I guess she's just taken aback by it because she'd like to see you becoming a Dr soon and get your life back etc. If you put yourself in her shoes she could probably see where she's coming from.

And the thing about suspecting your parents regret having you is DEFINITELY extreme but I'd confess that I've had that thought too sometimes! :$ I certainly can be a bit oversensitive to people's comments sometimes, which I very well know myself and try my best not to let it get the better of me. Like for example when my boyfriend's mom asks me when I'm finishing (which happens every time I see her...), on a bad day I'd interpret it as her saying "how come you're still not finished" and be upset by it when she (probably) doesn't mean it that way at all and just tries to show some interest in my life/work. Then again I've also had some people commenting "what! you're still studying?" in a somewhat derogatory way when they found out I'm doing a PhD, as if the only reason I'm doing it is because I don't want to face the real world and would rather hide in university... Just have to ignore these people.

I can also relate to the thing about relying on them financially. At the moment I'm still financially independent (only just!) but the other day my dad asked if I need money to live on and that made me feel sad and a little guilty that they have to worry about me having no money. But then again if you look at the positive side that just goes to show how much they love us and are prepared to help us financially so we can do what we want to do (the PhD).

It's good to get it off your chest! Hope we managed to lift you up!
;-)

thanks guys, reading your posts brought tears to my eyes.. :$

i definitely feel better. :-)

its great that am not the only one who has to deal with this sort of thing all the time. it just disappoints me that they can't see how hard am trying. but then at my age i wonder why i allow pressure from them to affect me. it also astounds me how i can loose all faith in them at the slightest provocation, particularly when it comes to making nasty comments on my phd.

hugs to everyone. :-)

we'll get through this together. (up)

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Glad to know you're feeling better!

Jojo, end of Feb is not far off at all! I think one of the hardest bit is when people ask you how things are going and I haven't really got anything new to say.. "still writing that thesis", yes I have said that for the last - oh- maybe six months...oh well, it'll soon be over (hopefully!)

Coming to the end of a PhD thesis can be a particularly stressful thing, even given that the PhD itself is pretty stressful at times. All of a sudden, you realise the end is in sight, and while its good, its also another massive change on the horizon--the what next that comes after the PhD, and you lose the "comfort zone" of doing the PhD work. So I think its perfectly natural to feel a bit sensitive and reactive to things that happen, and perhaps even read more into what someone says or does...its just stress. It magnifies things, sometimes in unusual or not completly accurate ways. An actual completion date is a moveable feast ( albeit there is a final deadline) but before that--you might hit a snag in writing, you might find you need to revamp something you were not anticipating, your equipment might go wonky, you might get the flu, etc. Its just not possible to know with exact certainty and so that is just the way it is. I thought I had a good handle on mine, but it took way longer than I would have thought. For various reasons, not any of which were catastropic, but they added up to taking more time. And, so they just did, and the month I thought I would be done came and went and I was still burning midnight oil.

Just don't let things get to you--realise how you perceive them is coloured by the final last stages of weird PhD writing up stress...my PhD writing up stress was horrible on some days. One day someone said "Hello how are you?" ( a friend) and I burst into tears, because I felt that on edge, that simply asking me how I was made me cry!!! Not every day was like that, but just an example...how you react to stuff is due to PhD stress and writing up stress and not likely always a good gauge of things as they are...just how they seem.

A few nights at the end I was like, seriously, why am I doing this? It was just hideous and awful, and I wanted to bin the entire thing and walk away. At least in the moment. But it got done...and the stress you will have when writing up is different ( at least I think) than other kinds of PhD stress, and its just there and you just live with it, and the main thing, is put your head down and finish...anything else can wait, or be put to the side!

Hi Jojo

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. I think the advice given is really good, and just wanted to add my 2 cents (pence? ;>). People don't understand what it's like doing a PhD, that it's not just being at uni, and that's it's not like any other job, but that it's one massive thing. This wears us down! And does make us sensitive. I have a t-shirt that says 'Don't ask me about the thesis!' which I plan to wear a lot more!

The writing up phase is really stressful, and now you're really at the pointy end it must be even more so. You're stressed, sensitive, probably tired, and you're poor - no wonder you're a bit down! But you're so close! Keep going, focus on finishing, getting a job (which will have to be easier than this!!) and then you can pay them back. Have you thought about taking your draft thesis and sitting with your mum and showing her what you're doing? Explaining that all those hundreds of pages are the result of research which took months/years, that each of those chapters has been rewritten countless times...as others have mentioned, it is, in fact, like writing a book.

Take care Jojo! You're almost there!

A big hug to you Jojo. You will get there in the end. I have the same problem with my friends who keep asking me when I am finishing; though i  am aiming for February and telling them so, every time i get asked.... "its this year you are finishing right?" and i always have to remind them of the correct date. sometimes its gets to me but i have learnt the art of simply being content with my own progress all the nagging withstanding. Yes , it can get overwhelming but i remind myself that i have come a long way and i will get there. Our struggles are only momentary though it feels like a life time.... believe me sometimes it feels like a real life time. As for your family they just don't understand the gravity of the work, do pardon them.
;-)