New(ish) PhD Student - Depression
Hi, I'm a new(ish) PhD Student, about 4 months in, and having some issues. I don't really know what advice I'm hoping to get but maybe this is more just a vent.
So, context, I've had depression and anxiety since I was young (now early 30's), which has come and gone (mostly come) and lead to various hiccups . I got my act together and did a masters part-time before working for a couple of years as a research asst (part-time). My contract ended and as I was looking for something else my PhD studentship appeared.
I knew when I was applying that it would be tough, and I had my doubts over whether I could manage something full-time. But I wanted to, plus I felt I needed to do it in order to continue in any kind of research career. Now i'm feeling like all of my doubts and fears have been realised. My depression is as bad as its ever been and my uni work is really suffering, i'm either sleeping, crying or avoiding people = no work getting done = feel guilty about not doing work = rinse/repeat. I'm trying to work on my MH with the professionals (i'm lucky to have a psychiatrist and -ologist) and get my meds right, but its not a quick instant process. Add to that the juggling of side-effects, esp the cognitive ones and it just feels like some kind of horrible nightmare. I also suffer from "chronic pain" and/or chronic fatigue, so feel pretty crappy a lot of the time, even when I'm not loosing my marbles. Ultimately this has all added up to me being pretty suicidal and really struggling.
I don't know what to do on the uni side of things, I worry its too early for a formal break or signed off sick-leave. I worry that its only 4mo in and this doesn't bode well. But at the same time "failing" (quitting) would end me.
If you haven't already, it sounds like it is time for a chat with your supervisor, or with someone at the university (maybe student support service, or whoever looks after the wellbeing of the PhD students in your department?). It sounds like you are caught in a vicious circle of feeling unwell, not getting things done and feeling worse as a result of that. There's no 'failing' about it, you're not well and dealing with the side effects while adjusting your meds. Don't put the extra pressure on yourself of keeping up appearances with your PhD. My advice would be to seek any support you need and to make the right people aware of what's happening. The PhD can get fixed later - you first!
Your situation sounds a little bit similiar to mine during my first year, although my problems weren't as bad as yours. I've always been a bit anxious and had some other problems as well and I spent all my first year (and quite a bit of my second) just feeling terrified of the whole experience, like I was really stupid compared to everyone else, struggling with practical tasks and having serious doubts and thinking about quitting the PhD. I spoke to my supervisor and disability service and a counsellor, who was really helpful.
I think it's good you've got a psychologist to help you, maybe consult your supervisor if you haven't already and try and get regular sleep and exercise (I know this can be easier said than done but even a 10 minute walk outside can work wonders and if you're not concentrating on your work anyway you're not missing anything). I know it might sound a bit simplistic but try and stick to a routine, reward yourself for good work done and set yourself concrete targets. Break tasks down into simple steps and tick each step off as you're done.
I'm now writing up and, although I have bad days and feel guilty sometimes for not having finished (some other people who started at the same time have finished or got full time jobs) and like I don't know if academia is for me when I do finish, I'm glad that I stuck the PhD out as it's been a good experience as well as a stressful one and I've learnt a lot from it. Everyone's situation is different though, so obviously only you can decide whether you need a break or to finish completely. I know it's hard and I do hope that things get better for you soon.
You absolutely need to discuss this with your supervisor, if you haven't already. They can advise you best on what the university's procedures are and any additional help you can get from an academic perspective.
There is absolutely no shame in taking a Leave of Absence now if that's what you need to do to get better - though, if you are funded there are implications for this. Another option might be to drop down to part time for a bit?
Trying to get yourself mentally healthy is hard. PhDs are hard. Trying to do both at the same time is really, really, frigging hard.
I've suffered with mental health problems and am now in my 5th year of my PhD (I took a 9 month leave of absence during my writing up year to get myself better). If you want to talk further, I'm happy to chat about it, just drop me a PM.
Hi impgrrrl. Sorry to hear about your situation. To echo others: I would advise speaking to your supervisor asap. I endured 14 months of my PhD - with similar issues to yours (major anxiety, downward spiral of low productivity and depression) - before it became unbearable and I spoke to my supervisors last month. Contrary to my expectations they were both supportive and understanding. I've just interrupted for a year and instantaneously it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. Not sure if you're funded but I've been allowed to 'pause' mine for the duration of interruption (so there are no negative financial implications). Your supervisors will be less sympathetic if you keep on plugging away without explaining your circumstances: they'll likely assume you just aren't applying yourself (this was my experience, at least). The academic environment can feel ruthless and unforgiving at times, but in my experience people immediately drop the aggression and become sympathetic if you are candid about the fact that you are having personal difficulties (staff and other students alike). Your situation probably isn't going to improve by itself over time: the further you progress, the higher the pressure and the worse you will feel (again, such was my experience). Don't suffer in silence: get everything out in the open and you'll be offered support. Finally, remember: PhDs aren't for everyone. Withdrawal in no way demonstrates 'failure' - it can represent an act of courage and having the sense to realise that your skills are better suited for something else. Life's too short to put yourself through hell for a bit of paper and the hollow status a new title confers. Just bear this in mind! Best of luck!
Your situation sounds a little bit similiar to mine during my first year, although my problems weren't as bad as yours. I've always been a bit anxious and had some other problems as well and I spent all my first year (and quite a bit of my second) just feeling terrified of the whole experience, like I was really stupid compared to everyone else, struggling with practical tasks and having serious doubts and thinking about quitting the PhD. I spoke to my supervisor and disability service and a counsellor, who was really helpful.
I think it's good you've got a psychologist to help you, maybe consult your supervisor if you haven't already and try and get regular sleep and exercise (I know this can be easier said than done but even a 10 minute walk outside can work wonders and if you're not concentrating on your work anyway you're not missing anything). I know it might sound a bit simplistic but try and stick to a routine, reward yourself for good work done and set yourself concrete targets. Break tasks down into simple steps and tick each step off as you're done.
I'm now writing up and, although I have bad days and feel guilty sometimes for not having finished (some other people who started at the same time have finished or got full time jobs) and like I don't know if academia is for me when I do finish, I'm glad that I stuck the PhD out as it's been a good experience as well as a stressful one and I've learnt a lot from it. Everyone's situation is different though, so obviously only you can decide whether you need a break or to finish completely. I know it's hard and I do hope that things get better for you soon.
I fully agree with you here!
hi there,
I am a new PhD student too. most time i feel depressed and sometimes i am crying too. I have only start my phd about one month. but i already start worried everything. i was thinking about go to see a mental doctor. because i cry and not smile anymore. especially, i feel i am useless. I think that we need to go to see a doctor not a supervisor. As they won't know how to help you.
I had some similar issues too, mainly because of my old supervisor but also because of being far from my family, leaving in a country where it rains 300 days/year and so on.
I write a blog, so if anyone what's to have a look.
Sorry to hear about your situation.
I had a very similar problem where at 3-4 months extreme anxiety and depression set in (I was also diagnosed when younger). I somehow managed to keep going for another 9 months assuming it would go away and the situation resolve itself. I'm now currently on leave of absence as it only got worse.
Get all the help and support you can now, and don't feel ashamed about taking time away, it is never too early. I'm sure your supervisor would much rather you be working for them whilst happy and productive. I kept up appearances for all those months and now I feel even more anxious about how behind I am.
All the best
I had some similar issues too, mainly because of my old supervisor but also because of being far from my family, leaving in a country where it rains 300 days/year and so on.
I write a blog, so if anyone what's to have a look.
The link is broken, so if anyone is interested please see
Doing a PhD, and I quote, "is the most intellectually and emotionally challenging research project that you as an academic will ever embark on" ....people who are psychologically absolutely stable and fine become anxious, lonely, lack self confidence and feel uncertain: and they have to try to make sense of these feelings...it is completely normal to feel these emotions, all PhD candidates feel this way from time to time during their candidature. For me, two things are critical in knowing you will be successful in completing: you have to have a supportive relationship with your supervisors and you have to prove your ability to write according to the academic writing conventions of your specialism...if those two things are in place, you will succeed and overcome all the challenging emotions that come with the territory of doing a PhD...
