Hi everyone, long-time reader, first-time poster...

I’ve started my PhD in social sciences at a top school in my mid 20s. I thought it perfect to start it soon, finish around 31 and have kids. I haven’t been depressed or demotivated during the PhD, although I have found things to be extremely slow at times when my supervisor is busy teaching.

Ever since I turned 28 (I’ll soon turn 30) all I’ve been thinking about is having a child. I’ve saved up enough money and I thought the wisest thing to do is have the baby during the PhD. My hubby however thinks it’s better to wait to get a job, earn more money, and then have a child. I’m not comfortable with this solution because I don’t wanna waltz into a job and within a couple of months be like ‘thank you, goodbye’. I think once I get a job I wanna stay 1-3 years on the job and establish myself (plus I may have to do a 2-year postdoc and then wait even longer).

So my 'smart' solution was to tell my (male) supervisor that, you know, I want to take a break after the PhD to relax (worst excuse ever), and that I am not interested in a job right now. I think he thought I was mad or something but I couldn’t tell him I wanted a child either. No one can understand why exactly I would want one year off after graduation and not a job, because no one really thinks about children, at least at my institution. Since then my supervisor has been extremely cold and slow to respond. So I’ve started contemplating quitting altogether and all the strain of baby planning has led me to thoughts of divorcing, just because I have become so frustrated with wanting a child.

I know I sound desperate but I feel I can get a PhD/job anytime, but that I have a limited time frame to get pregnant. I would really appreciate any advice, especially from women who have been in a similar situation. I confess I disagree with the idea that I can have perfectly healthy children in mid to late 30s, as I feel I’m gambling. Also, starting to have kids later makes the difference between having only one child or more. Thanks everyone.

I agree there's never an easy time to have a child when you are trying to establish an academic career. My advice would be to finish the PhD first though, because sometimes the final year, viva, corrections etc can be more hard work than anticipated. Having said that, there's quite a few PhD mothers on here.

I don't think it matters too much whether you have a baby before starting a job, or once you have one. This is personal choice. I intend to have a job for a couple of years and then go on mat leave, but that's more for financial reasons and because I don't want a baby yet. I look at 35 as the cut off. If you want more than 1 child, it's probably a good idea to start trying before this though.

Think about what's more important, child or academic career? You can have a career any time, might not be the one you want, but it's achievable. The same can't be said about children.

Hi PryingPry,

I feel you. I started my PhD at 29 and just had my viva (passed, corrections submitted and accepted!). It was a 4-year course so I'll be 34 this year. Like you, I wanted to have kids during my PhD because ideally it would have been better to suspend my studies, have a kid and go back and complete PhD (that's how I planned it anyway). However I had to work with chemicals so I didn't think it would be an ideal environment to be in and I suspect my supervisors and the health and safety zealots in my uni would have advised moving office (my office was next door to the labs and we sometimes work with teratogens) or to take an early maternity leave which would have inevitably prolonged the time I'll be off. Anyway I scrapped the having a kid plan and carried on with my studies. However, last year after submitting, I was told that I have some health issues that have the potential to impact on my fertility so I decided to suspend my job search and start a family (I didn't know how long it will take after learning about the health issues) and now I am now nearly 20 weeks along! At that time I was pretty convinced that it will take time to conceive but now that I'm actually pregnant I've been through a roller coaster of emotions. First the euphoria (yaay, i can have a baby!), then the worry that I'm damaging my career prospects by staying at home (maybe for 2 years?) to bring up a child after my PhD when I don't have any industry experience up my sleeve (I'm not planning to work in academia by the way).
However, having been to a few interviews for lab-based roles, I'm contemplating changing my career direction. I've decided that while I wait for the baby, I will take up some online lessons and strengthen my skills in programming (I have some experience in this from my PhD) to make good use of my time at home. I've also decided to do some volunteering in my sector (when I can) to enhance my CV and expand my network. It's not an easy decision and I feel lucky that my other half can support me while I am unemployed and not receiving any maternity pay.

cont.:
Looking back I don't think my supervisors would have been happy if I'd taken a maternity break. In fact, my primary supervisor (male) jokingly told me not get pregnant shortly after I got married! They wanted me to finish the PhD in the allocated time (which I did) unlike most of my colleagues who had to ask for extensions.
I know as a woman (who wants to have kids) when you are hitting 30 you start having all these emotions about when is the right time to start a family and the media constantly inundating us with reports of declining fertility in your 30s doesn't help!
Whatever you decide, best of luck. If your university does allow for you to take a break, then I think you can do so (not sure why your supervisor was cold to you after suggesting it?) instead of quitting altogether after all the work you have done. However, you will need the support of your other half if you decide to embark on taking a break to have the baby. It's not going to be an easy journey!

I think it depends so much on your discipline and expectations of finishing within a given timeframe. In science and related fields everything moves at lightning pace and you might find yourself out of touch when you return. Also, if you're part of a research group it has its own difficulties and dynamics. On the other hand, if you're in the humanities and investigating something more static that's unlikely to change massively over the course of a year, it could be easy enough to have a baby and then finish up - it might even be a smart move, as then you can go straight into a Postdoc without the pregnancy thing hanging above your head. Universities are still really terrible at providing childcare - something else to factor in.

I don't want to discourage you, but I think telling your sup about a nebulous 1-year break was not a good move. He'll figure out what you would do with that year, and I think he's unlikely to be as supportive in future as he might have been otherwise, as now the 'threat' of a pregnancy is looming, even if it doesn't happen. It's sad the world is like this - having a baby should be a joyous event - but the reality is if you look around academia you will find a lot of childless women in top positions (or they have a husband with a much lower profile job who took over the childrearing duties). Many female academics are known to me who have ended up either divorced, childless, or sidelined. To compete in this environment you need a stellar support network, 24/7 childcare available and a rock solid relationship (and preferably a partner who also earns a good salary as you do the mandatory postdocs and fixed-term fellowships).

I know I sound pessimistic, but it's better to face the realities early on so you can devise a plan that makes sense - for instance timing pregnancies to finish within the end of year summer break, etc.

Why can't you take a post-doc straight after your PhD and fall pregnant? Why do you need to take a year out to get pregnant? If the institution doesn't take into consideration the need for women to have babies, then its time they changed that.

And also, there is always the risk that a woman will fall pregnant unexpectedly. Surely, people can't expect you to give guarantees that you wont fall pregnant.

I got 6 months maternity leave from my PhD with full bursary when I had my baby which I thought was pretty generous. I was also able to do some work from home whereas I think if I'd been in full time employment I might have been encouraged onto maternity leave! I hope everything works out for you and you get equally good support whenever you decide the time is right!

I know two women (both older than you) who have been on maternity leave mid PhD. It's not easy juggling a child and PhD but they're managing, one of them will submit next week and is also pregnant with her second. She has just started a new job in her department and had to tell them she was pregnant before even taking up the post. She will go on maternity leave in the summer.

If you are in Europe there are all sorts of laws against discrimination due to pregnancy, they aren't perfect but if you do decide to wait, don't feel you have to be unemployed before you can start trying for a baby. You really are allowed to talk about wanting a child - even with male supervisors (does he have children? Does he know people with children?) - but if that feels impossible your institution may have specific mentoring support for female academics and research postgrads so seek it out, yours is a common concern and you ought to be able to find people who can advise and support you (maybe even helping you disucss this with your supervisor). If your institution has an Athena Swan award (extended to cover social sciences and humanities last year) they will have to have this kind of thing in place.

Good luck.

Hi everyone, thank you very much for the outpour of support, positive responses, ideas, and for taking the time to read my story. Overall I have reached the conclusion that it’s more my hubby than the PhD that is literally preventing me from having a child.

@TreeofLife: Thank you for sharing your opinion. Ideally I would have followed this same plan, but I have suddenly become, for a lack of a better word, obsessed with having a baby. I look at my papers, they take 2-3 years to get out, and I’m thinking oh my I could have popped 3 babies in the meantime.

@cherub: Thank you so much for sharing your story. Congratulations on your pregnancy and on your viva! I guess women CAN have it all :). Wish you much health for you and the baby. Your story really gave me hope and courage. My mom says that once you get pregnant, it’s so magical that it’s just you and your baby, and that no worries about jobs and what not can taint that feeling. I hope I’ll experience this magical feeling one day.

I too got this sense of urgency due to potential fertility problems (which at the time turned out to be false alarms), but all ob-gyns have basically said the only way to know is to try (falsify the theory, right? :)). Unfortunately my institution does not have a family-friendly environment, at least at the PhD level. Word around is that the supervisor of a PhD student who got pregnant told another professor he would expel her immediately if he could. Unfortunately my hubby is not supportive either and doesn’t understand why we can’t wait an elusive couple of years more. Last week I brought up divorce and things are not looking well.

@PracticalMouse: Thank you for the very practical information :). Yes my field is such that I’m sure I can take 2-3 years off and publish my current work and it would still be considered novel.

I completely agree with what you said and I’ve witnessed it too. I’m not making any judgments or prescriptive recommendations. If this is the current state of affairs, I accept it. A priori knowing this, I am questioning if this is the type of environment that I want to be in. I wouldn’t be the first or last woman to exit. Just another data point. I have no problems quitting whatsoever. I wonder, at the end of my life, will I be crying over that PhD I never finished or the child I never had?

@Hugh: Thank you. It has more to do with logistics I’d say, and my hubby’s reluctance. If we go the post-doc route, then we’d have to relocate twice, and find jobs within the same area twice within 2-3 years. This is why he insists on one long-term contract and then baby.

@Lydia: Thank you for sharing your story and for your encouragements! Wish you all the best to you too!

@Yve: Thank you for the information! I wouldn’t mind being unemployed and taking a sabbatical/gap year to have my baby, we have been saving up for a while. In fact, it is my wish for the reasons stated in the op. The ‘problem’ is that my institution is a top one and obsessed with placement. All students have to place somewhere if they are to graduate, they can’t write ‘stay-at-home mom’ or ‘housewife’ as placement. It is an unwritten/unspoken rule, but basically if you do not obtain placement they will string you along for years until you do. My supervisor is quite alright, but doesn’t understand this sabbatical idea. I think because I started my PhD fairly early compared to my colleagues, he is still under the impression that I’m quite young, so I don’t think he thinks I think about pregnancy (see what I did there :D?). The few women (professors) that I know had their babies mid to late 30s, I guess that’s why I’m not on their baby radar. But I digress. At this point it feels as if I need to go to every person at my institution and ask permission to have a baby. I should just do what I want and they will have to accommodate somehow. But it will be a bumpy road for sure.

Thanks again everyone for your well-thought and helpful answers. I have faced so much ostracism till now (‘why do you want a baby? It’s all a whim’, ‘I know a woman who had a perfectly fine baby at 43, you can wait’, 'you could adopt', ‘a baby is just an excuse so that you do not work’ etc.) that I rejoice in reading such sensible and kind comments. Best of luck everyone!