My girlfriend is driving me mad! She still doesn't seem to understand the demands upon PhD students. She thinks that we faff around for 3 years and then all of a sudden produce results at the end. I'm coming to the end of my tether with it. When I go off to the study to work for a few hours in the evening, she gets ratty about it. Is anyone else having trouble trying to get their partners to understand how much commitment is actually involved with a PhD?! Help!

Well my partner is doing a PhD too and so understands it is hard work. The problem I have is that we do totally different subjects, I am doing microbiology and he is doing law. So the whole approach to the PhD is different which can cause problems. But my advice is to make sure you communicate properly and if needs be talk through what you do, what your daily routine is so your partner realises exactly what is involved.

my conclusion is that non-phd partners do not understand the demands of the PhD and they never will.

I had similar challenges when/while doing my PhD distance learning--somehow the lack of visibility of the university seemed to make people think the work was not real either. I just explained to colleagues, friends, family, etc. that study time was protected time and came ahead of things like house cleaning, grocery shopping, etc ( as I was working at the time as well). One friend struggled to understand why I would not return her mobile calls whilst I was in the library.

I had similar challenges when/while doing my PhD distance learning--somehow the lack of visibility of the university seemed to make people think the work was not real either. I just explained to colleagues, friends, family, etc. that study time was protected time and came ahead of things like house cleaning, grocery shopping, etc ( as I was working at the time as well). One friend struggled to understand why I would not return her mobile calls whilst I was in the library.

I finally took the stand with people--this is the way it is, like it or lump it, deal with it-=-if you care about me you will be supportive of my goals--if not, I haven't the time. Some people got it and others did not.

You're quite right. In my case most people do understand that doign a PhD is a lot or work and i am grateful for that. I think when it comes to partners it becomes a different story entirely

I believe patience and communication will help in this matter.

It's so difficult. I feel that my relationship is impinging upon my work. Everyone told me it would be a struggle to date someone who wasn't involved in academia, and I just shrugged it off at the time, but now I'm starting to see where the problems come. I feel like if I was single, I'd be getting alot more work done, because I'd work whenever I felt like it. Instead, I'm spending my evenings with her and can't relax because I'm so consumed with thoughts of what I could be doing. I hope that doesn't sound horrible, it's just that I've worked really hard to get here (as all of you have) and I don't want to mess it up!

xeno, it was so strange seeing your posting this morning because I'm going through the same thing! Unfortunately, my girlfriend and I split up last night, and the reason was her refusal to accept how much the PhD meant to me. I'd like to advise that if you find the relationship to be having such a detrimental effect on your work, then you should consider doing something about it. Then again, this is a very personal thing. I know what you're going through though, and just how tough it is.

Real love requires no condition. if your partner has to be very clear what you are doing before she can accept, believe me, she doesnt really fall in love with you.

I had an important relationship begin as my PhD started. There were the usual feelings of upset, hurt, etc. that go with the end of a relationship, and that made it really hard to get the PhD off the ground. It also drove home how events outside of the PhD could really impact it--and made me do some priority setting. I have dated here and there, but really avoided a relationship since being in the PhD, thinking that from a cost/benefit analysis, it would be best to just get the PhD DONE as best as I can, and then find that special partner and relationship...once I have the PhD I have it, but relationships are a bit less permanent potentially then that. My thinking is that those close to you should honour your priority if they care about you--love is unselfish...if someone is fighting for attention with a PhD, then their emotion is not love, its something else.

ahhh!!! that should have read relationship ENDED as PhD started....

Xeno, is this a long-term relationship? I sometimes think of the amount of work I might get done if I was single but I have been with my fiancee for 8 years now so I wouldn't throw that away for the sake of another 1/2 years left of my PhD! Remember a PhD won't keep you warm at night However I am quite lucky because he works really long hours too so there's no guilt there on either side...

I think you need to get across to her that if she wants to stick around in the long run she's going to have to be patient with you working a few late nights! In the grand scheme of things it's only a few short years - you will have the rest of your lives after that to spend every evening together Hahaha if you can stand that much of someone's company!

Rosy - has your fiance completed a PhD sometime in the past as well or is he working in an entirely non-academic/university field?