Hello all,

I feel kind of depressed lately because I feel like having no life apart from my PhD. I only socialise with people from the department and I have no other friends. This lack of social life becomes more obvious during weekends and holidays. It is exactly when I feel so closed to myself having noone to talk to. I live alone and have no boyfriend at the moment which makes my psychology even worse. Sometimes I go to work at weekends mainly because I know i will be depressed if I stay at home. I think I am getting deeper to a certainly unhealthy state but I don´t know how to cope with it. Any ideas? Have u ever been to a similar situation?

Hello, I can relate to this, and am sorry to hear you're feeling this way, I know how hard it can be.

I think it's great that you are aware of it and recognising that it could get worse, so hopefully you have the chance now to change things a bit and prevent that.

It's definitely a good idea to get out of the house...I would also recommend getting out of the house to exercise regularly, even just going for a walk. It also sounds like you will need to reach out to others in some ways to build up a social network other than that at work...are there any group activities (team sports, or art classes, language classes etc) you can think of that you might like to take up? Are there any factors for you that make this difficult (e.g., money, time, distance, etc)?

======= Date Modified 08 Apr 2012 07:58:11 =======
Joanna,

I could have written your post myself and so you're not alone. Sparkles has given some great advice as people will not come to us we have to go to where they are. My problem partly arose from moving around for work, from being unemployed and so not able to socialise and people getting married etc. We should just view it as a time to move forward and embrace change. The kind people on here gave me some wonderful advice and I'll see if I can locate the thread.

Like you I find the weekends, mainly Saturdays, the hardest.

http://www.postgraduateforum.com/threadViewer.aspx?TID=21967

You could try group exercise classes. Going regularly there's a chance of talking to people, it gets you out of the house and it makes you a lot fitter (which does improve general moods).

It is quite unfortunate that this situation is expressed by you. Do understand that apart from Phd students, its a general phenomenon that occurs during stages of ones life. From my perspective, it can be narrowed down in the following areas:

1. Environment: This plays a role in how one build or joins a social network. In areas where socialization is part of daily activities, tendencies of having no social life is minimal. The social environment of my homeland (Nigeria) is different from hat of sweden (where I live) and I noticed this gap when I moved.

2. Status: Being single, married, etc, plays a great part in socializing. Time is a factor needed to address based on which status one have. since you are single, it all boils down on the third.

3. Social Personality: The ability for you to address socialization lies within how you socialize as a person. I suggest you dig within yourself and identify the social tactics you have...if not, try and embrace patterns that will allow for unlearning and learning of social patterns.

sparkles and the others have suggested recreational activities and change theory. Have a schedule that includes socializing. Practice some new patterns and see if there are difference. Hope this helps you.

Hi
I don't socialise much with colleagues (like to keep personal life separate), and new boyfriends are high maintenance as they take a lot of time away. I enjoy spending a lot of time alone studying. I enjoy loneliness. I normally work weekends and holidays, but I might take a month off to go back home, see friends and family and get some sunlight :)

DrJeckyll, I would be very like you and generally prefer my own company to that of others. I certainly don't like socialising with colleagues as I feel much more comfortable keeping my professional and personal life separate. However, I've come to realise it's not good to totally isolate yourself as life can be very tough at times and it's good to have people to support you.

======= Date Modified 08 Apr 2012 18:16:34 =======
Does your university have a graduate students' union that organises events (usually with free food/drink!) for post-grads? It can be a good way to meet other post-grads who are feeling similarly isolated (those with a lot of local friends tends not to attend!)

Have any of you heard of 'couch surfing'? It's first and foremost a networking site for sociable/poor travellers to find places to stay (couches to crash on), BUT you can also join groups by location and often there is an active community who to meet up (based around a certain interest/activity). Members tend to be people who genuinely enjoy making new connections, so it might be worth check out. :-)
http://www.couchsurfing.org/search/activity/in/current

Thanks Lughna. That site looks very interesting indeed.

Hi Joanna, I just have to support what other posters have said about group exercise classes, community work, etc. And also about social identity. For example if you live in a smaller town and are not married, opportunities for socialising can be a little limited to the few pubs and nightclubs and these are hard to go to on your own. So it does make it a little harder but not impossible.

I'm a bit introverted but I do like company-so I can be fine by myself for a period of time but I need some social outlets as well. I have found that going regularly to Gyms (not the uni gym but a 'mainstream mixed sex gym', sports clubs,( running events or similar if you like this sort of thing) and dance clubs can really help. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time, if you are a quiet sort of person, to connect with people in these places, but generally even if you are quiet, after a while you will make connections. I used to have a personal life and professional life split-but now living in a smaller region, have found that this cuts off the potential for some rewarding friendships, so over the last two years or so-after my own long term relationship ended, I relaxed this 'rule' and have developed a few closer and more personal friendships (than just the usual friendly professional relationship) with like minded work colleagues that involve coffee, dinner, movies, etc.

The other thing I found really helpful was to stop 'beating myself up' when I didn't spend Saturday night partying or had experienced a quiet weekend with just study, exercise, a drive and perhaps a visit with or long phonecall with a friend. I kept reminding myself that when I had a partner, my Saturday nights were often still fairly quiet and sometimes not much fun at all-when the relationship had soured-and that other people didn't find me 'pathetic' so much as I did-making myself feel really badly with a lot of negative self-talk. Another thing that makes me happy is travelling-even small trips to stay with my family. I'm probably a bit older than you though, so I am hoping that these suggestions don't seem too depressing or inappropriate. Finally, 'swing dancing' seems to be lots of fun for singles, so if you can find a weekly swing class, it might be worthwhile to visit it.

I have been extremely depressed while doing my PhD. However, what works for me is volunteering for the local community, for a few hours a week. This keeps me busy, gets me out of the house and allows me to get to know new people and make friends.

======= Date Modified 11 Apr 2012 08:02:23 =======
YES, big time. Depression has been a large part of my PhD journey- both from my nightmare PhD journey and also from losing my boyfriend of 6 years.

These days, my part time job allows me some time away from my laptops and actually meet and interact with people other than my family. I've booked lots of time off before my second submission date though!

I'm going to start integrating some library trips so I'm actually around people rather than stuck in my study/bedroom. I make time for my friends when I'm in London, but I'm going to have to probably limit all social events until I've submitted my corrected PhD thesis.

I'm integrating long walks by the beach into my day to help me relax and unwind. Seems to be working so far.

Hi all,
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, sharing ur own experiences and giving advice. just by reading your posts I felt better...I am not alone :-). I also try to follow your advice and already have some positive results. I try to be more extrovert when I'm with others but also to enjoy my lonely moments. It doesn't work always so I sometimes still feel down but I try to minimise such feelings by telling to myself there so many PhD students like me out there!