in order to get my PhD i had to move to a different country. Unfortunately, my girlfriend did not want to leave my native country and stayed at home. We were in a relationship for 4 years, during my bachelor and master studies. After 3 months in PhD, she realized that she can't have a long term relationship, and broke up with me.

Now (i am 7 months in my phd) she has a boyfriend she is happy with, and i feel lonely. The phd is taking all my energy and weekends.
I am in a different country with different values, and it is hard to find a girl that share similar values and expectations in life. I start thinking that i did the wrong decision. I traded career for love, and I am not sure i will get any now. I am 25.

Can you please share an advice based on similar experience?

I just wanted to say that I know completely relate to what your saying. I'm in my second year of my PhD, and in the first year of my PhD, my boyfriend of 5 years (although we've known each other for a total of 8 years) decided to end our relationship because he did not want to be in a relationship. I was completely devastated, shattered and just felt horrible for months and months; I even broke down in front of my supervisor and hasn't looked at me the same way since! I wasn't able to work or function at all, and my worked suffered badly-and I attribute it to the primary reason as to why I failed my upgrade. I hated myself for making the decision to move (although its only 50 miles away-I come home every weekend) as my relationship meant the world to me. We spoke about getting married, babies etc and I was very close to his family-they were like my second family and were exteremely supportive and loving (complete contrast to my own family).

Now, a year on, my 'ex' and I are still very close (emotionally and physically) and I still see his family nearly every weekend. Although I have him back in my life which has made everything so much better, I'm now dealing with my own issues of having an intimate relationship with an ex, knowing full well that he does not want anything more than 'friendship'; ie friends with benefits-which is not in a good position. Right now it's ok, but I'm starting to think that he's taking advantage. I still have my bad days where I'm crying myself to sleep, but whats helped me at least cope with it (although it's complicated by frequent contact with him) is exercise(although I've stopped most of this now due to worries with my work), comfort eating, and throwing myself into my work. but all I can say is perhaps a break from your work would be a good thing. I didn't and my work suffered badly-which is probably part of the reason as why my supervisors are so hard on me!

I'm 27 at the moment and I also feel like my PhD is draining and is reducing all of my personal resources to the point of where I'm always on a point of contemplating of whether to quit or not. From my experience, I've found concentrating on the bad points of the relationship, focusing on why your doing this PhD in the first place and perhaps trying to keep as much distance as possible from your ex (although I'm clearly not following my own advice on the latter point!), talking with friends etc may also help, also making yourself meet new people and to see new things etc may also help. I'm sorry to hear this has happended, but I totally relate to your pain and it's just a horrible horrible experience, particulary if your the one who has been dumped for a reason relating to your phd (long distance).

Hang on in there! big hugs xxxx

You're 25; you're young. At the end of the day, the PhD is important to you, and you obviously want to do it as you decided to apply for it whilst you were with your previous partner. By the time you finish you'll be 28(ish) and you'll have the title of 'Dr.' Just be patient. My own personal view is that until you're ready to marry someone, your career ahs to coem first. You might meet someone, drop out the PhD and then that relationship ends, leaving you with nothing. My advice, stick with the PhD and make sure you find time to relax/unwind, and all will be well.

This has got me questioning about whether it is the PhD itself that is the relationship breaker, or is it the sort of person that does the PhD that is the key factor.

I always thought it was the stress of doing the PhD that made my ex-girlfriend (a taught doctoral student, not PhD) leave, but looking around my lab, I see people (including me) that have put our careers/ research ahead of our personal relationships. Maybe its these sort of people that are attracted to this line of work, and may have had complicated relationships in anycase regardless of where they were working.

If that is the case, I think its a decision we made ourselves, and we need to look into ourselves to see what the problem was. My ex actually said this just before we split up, but I couldnt see it at the time. However, seeing it my lab and reading threads like this have got me thinking about it.

As for the OP I think the answer may be in their own question. The type of girl with the same values, same culture and background may not be interested or compatible with someone who is setting out for an academic life.

I guess its a question of knowing what the goal at the end is. I know mine, and I realise that I had to do this or I couldn't ever be happy. My stint in the non-academic taught me that. So for me I have to accept the sacrifice I made, and accept that I may be alone because my working practices (isolation, insecure working, poor pay, high workload and pressure) are not that conducive to relationships or family life.

I've been through this twice and seen many people in this situation and it really varies a lot. Some people manage the long distance (even different continents) and come through. Some carry on having some years apart throughtheir entire professional lives. But some relationships, and some people, cannot weather the strain.

I have several colleagues at present who are apart from their long-term partners/husbands while doing thier PhD. Of the 3 I know well, 2 seem pretty secure so far but I wouldn't put money on the third.

For myself, I split with my bf during my first unfinished PhD attempt (after moving away), then moved back and got back together for a couple of years when I dropped out. It was never really meant to go the distance though - and I think that's probably true of any relationship that can't take the strain and partly for the reasons badhaircut says - some people are not right for this kind of relationship.

With my huband, we agreed from the start that we would never live apart for work. There is not question, even without my young daughter, of my going away for a postdoc (and his career has moved on now and it makes no sense for him to follow me on a short contract) - I'll take my chances here. I totally accept that and I don't know if that is because I'm older or because of the relationship or maybe both.

So I think it is partly that you are the wrong two people for this kind of relationship and perhaps also this is just the wrong time in your life.

Pineapple - I have SO been there with the heartbroken attachement that becomes friends with benefits. You will have to transition eventually - but I know it's hard and it took me years...

TJ.......as advised to you by others....if someone just leaves you at the onset of something that is important for you (in this case yr phd)....and instead of supporting you cause you a distress.......think about it ....??? is this person good for u...life is tough...it will always TEST you....what if you had gone back...let us say married her.....she still had left you...in some other TEST............if other person is not willing to acknowledge you worth.....u have to do it for yourslef........HANG IN THERE....try to make new friends.....I PROMISE it wull get better.....u will have UPS and DOWN...one day you will see the sunshine outside the other u wont....but u can do it...and try o focus on work....set small goals..achieve them..u will feel better....try to find a faculty member who can motivate you for work........and again....think abt three or four years down the lane....LIFE will be much better

Check out the book, Pineapple, "He is just not that into you"--its a bit of a cheesey self help read, but it DOES make some valid points, and it puts the break up of a relationship into a neutral spot ( not the self blame we women seem to head to!) by suggesting, literally, he was just not that into you, for whatever reason, likely nothing to do with YOU or your fault, more accurately. It gives some tips on why and how to move on from a relationship, even those where you still have some kind of connection, like the friends with benefits.

The book, as I recall, has this hilarious rendition of what happened to the author--she put up for years with a British fellow who came and went at his convenience, and she spent hour and loads of money at astrologers and psychics trying to find out if she would win his love once and for all. Then she concluded she had fallen in love with a stereotype of a British bad boy that was all the rage...she fell for his accent and his thoughtless ways...and decided, one day...what the heck? That fad was over! And she moved on.

A wise friend of mine once said that if things were going to work in a relationship, they would, and if they weren't, then, they weren't--whether its because one or the other or both is doing a PhD/a demanding job/wants-does not want children, dogs, birds, a garden/gets ill/has family that gets ill/whatever.

A relationship has to be strong to stand up to the forces of crisis. Life being life, those things will come around some day, some time, in some form. I don't know that I would blame the PhD per se...I think more broadly speaking, its about a relationship that just did not have the "glue" to withstand those external pressures, no matter what form they take. Love is easy when life is smooth. But when the chips are down, and you NEED that person to be there for you, that's when it gets challenging.

Hi TJ ....just checking with you..............how r u doing?

I hope things are bit better.