hi all...
I know probably many topics have been listed on this subject.. Well, here is another one. I really don't want to sound like a baby, or like I am the only one who has difficulties but I can't help the way I feel. I am in my second year of a PhD and I think I have become clinically depressed. My first papers got rejected. That, combined with all the stress and pressure, and general tiredness of the PhD triggered this awful depressing feeling. I feel AWFUL all day long. I strugle just to get out of bed... I can't eat, or sleep and I am tired every day. I've lost weight and I am not feeling healthy. I really feel and believe that I am a failure, no good at what I am doing, and that I will not get my PhD. I keep looking at my work and all I think about is that it is not good enough and at some point someone will find something fataly wrong with it.

I feel lost and hopeless and that my life has no future. I hate myself, my university, my life and everything related to what I am doing. I cry almost every day. I can't focus on my work. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. My boyfriend is extremely worried about me, and he doesn't know what to do anymore. Obviously, this is causing a lot of problems in our relationship as well. My parents are also very concerned and I don't want to worry them all the time. I really want this to stop and this feeling to end, but I don't want to take any medication. I think about quitting my phd but I don't want all my work to go to waste!

Am I crazy? Does anyone else relate to me and know what I am talking about? Will things get better?

This doesn't sound good, not at all. And yes, it does sound like depression. I suggest you go and see your GP, I think it would be a good first step.
I hope things get better for you

Also - maybe try taking a few weeks off, go away somewhere if you can afford to. Take it easy for a few weeks, forget about the PhD (or at least, try to!)

I don't think you are "crazy" but I think you need to get the possibility that you may be suffering from depression checked out.
I am aware that disturbed appetite and disturbed sleeping may also accompany this.

This is not that rare and you should not feel ashamed, or guilty about this in any way. You certainly are not weak or "being a baby" for bringing this up. Anyone that says this to you is not worth listening to.

I would recommend you make an appointment with your GP and try to get referred to a counsellor (or psychologist/ therapist if its really severe), if you want to avoid drugs. My girlfriend (who does this sort of work) is often able to help people in your situation without using medication. Unfortunately as she cant tell me much because of confidentiality, I am not sure of the details.

Cont'd

I think that geting low when you are in the middle of a PhD (or just finished as in my case) is common, but for it to affect your life in this way is simply not on (and makes me even angrier at the systen that brought you to this but thats another issue).

One word of advice, while you are in this state (and it is a temporary state its nothing inherent with you) dont make any long lasting decisions. Get some help and make those choices when you are in a better place.

I do relate to it having seen several undergrad and post grad friends experience it. All of them were able to make it through their low points, and things did get better. Some left, some stayed, but all of them are happier than they were when they were in the "thick of it".

Also don't be afraid of medication. Depression in the clinical sense (as oppsed to the colloquial sense, of just being a bit fed up) is a physical illness and medication can make all the difference. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to take counselling for their illness, and it's the same with depression.

Other than that, as people have said above, you are not the first - you are in good company. I guarantee that you won't be the only one even in your faculty or group. You will come through this.

I think you will feel a sense of relief after talking to either a GP or a counsellor (perhaps the student counsellor) - someone qualified who can tell you that what you are feeling is a well-recognised human condition, who has seen it all before, and who will be able to reassure you. I think you should do this today: there are lots of people ready to help you, as soon as you ask.

I agree with Juno. On the other hand, I would suggest not to accept any drugs from your GP, without talking to someone professional. GPs tend to offer prozac far too easily in this country (personal experience in different occasions) within their 7-minutes consultation time, without listening the whole story.

Please don't ignore this. Depression is common but the different levels of depression causes different harms. You've done the biggest step which is admitting the problem. Now take it further and deal with the issue. It will give you a fresh start. And the advice given here by others are great. Like Badhaircut said, don't make any big decisions on your PhD for a while, and as Claudia said try and take a break. If you can't afford it, now is a good time to apply for hardship (or access to learning) fund. Good luck with everything.

As we know, mental health has been a taboo subject and worries that admitting to suffering with such DO make (some) people think differently about you - I kept (and still do) my issues to myself, as far as possible. A while ago i posted here out of desperation and found the support a great help - much more so than 2 visits to my GP. In the end i felt better DESPITE her (non) intervention... and so i keep going, making hay while the sun is shining, but aware that another 'episode' could be around the corner.

if you do go to the GP and have a disappointing experience, please go and see a different one. i didn't have the energy to at the time, so maybe you could take support (the bf?). Good luck x

just re-read my post and i suspect i haven't been very clear (a few missing commas?) - i hope you got my drift anyway.

You need to get away from the PhD, certainly for awhile. Take a long break (at least one month), go abroad (somewhere hot) on the basis that you will not make a decision on whether to continue the PhD until your return. That way you can chill out and have time to have fun. It will clear your head and allow you to make a reasoned decision.

It's certainly worth a chat with your doctor, just to get a diagnosis. However, in terms of drugs, I'm a sceptic. They should be the last resort if all else fails. I'd rather quit than go on anti-depressants. Counselling and/or a change of lifestyle are much more natural solutions. My ex started on anti-depressants over 3 years ago and now cannot get off them. They tend to be the thin end of a wedge and people often become career anti-depressant takers - moving up the the different types available. All drugs have side-effects. In her case I won't mention here what they were but they were terrible.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I take everything you said into account and I really do try to get over this. I contacted the Student Counselling office for some advice, before I go visit a GP. I hope all goes well... I need to find the strength to continue because I do want to finish the PhD, and that would potentially be the best cure! All your messages are very very helpful. It is reassuring to know people understand this and are willing to help me through. Thank you all so much.

just so you know just how common it is... roughly one in three women get depression at least once during their lifetime.

i am sceptical about meds as well. but then, i have some close friends who were really doing extremely badly, suffering endlessly, and all counselling and therapy didn't help. then finally they agreed to take meds and soon were much better. one is still on meds and worried to stop taking them, but the other quit the meds and is still going strong. sometimes you really only need the meds temporarily, in order to get out of that hole that depression is, and be able to make those changes in life(-style) that are necessary in order not to fall back into it. because changing things like lifestyle while your sick is VERY hard.

Hello CompSci.
First of all, do not think you are the only one. I guess you feel as if you are the only one feeling this way in the entire galaxy. Not true, and this is the first thing and it is ok, do not feel ashamed about it and do not feel like a failure. This is not uncommon. I remember back when doing my masters, some peoiple use to make jokes asking whether my department was an academic department or a mental health clinic (lol!) because of the common depression there.

Compsci, my heart goes out to you as I can completely identify with all the feelings you describe.

As others have said, you are NOT being a baby and most certainly not alone. While you may not feely it rtight now you are clearly a very strong, perceptuive person as youi have identified the changes within yourself and the reactions of those close to you.

I agree you should talk to your GP and/or counslling service. What's your relationship like with your supervisor? I think he/she should also know how you're feeling to give you the right support. PLease keep us informed and take care of yourself.